Abandonment Issues-Need Help

Hi I’m Jason. I’ve always had abandonment issues ever since my father walked out on me and my mother when I was a teenager. It’s caused me to get overly clingy with the opposite sex and that in turn ruins whatever chance I might have had with that person. A lot of the time I’ll just push people away just so I won’t have to deal with them leaving. This has made it hard for me to trust people and I tend to spend more time alone than with others. Not sure if anyone will read this but any advice would be greatly appreciated!


hi new friend,

this is an awesome post! I did some quick reading on it, and you’ve clearly stated some of the key aspects of abandonment in your post! Good job so far, you’ve been identifying the more problematic aspects of it, and I have to say that is already a LOT of progress. There are a lot of resources online for learning about abandonment, and it seems really positive that you can work your way to a healthier, more fulfilling way to engage and interact with the people around you. I’m sorry that you were hurt when your dad walked out, I hope you know that it wasn’t your fault, neither did you cause it or contribute to that happening.

I copied a bit from the link that I found helpful-sounding. If any of these sound like something you’d like to dive into, we’re here to support you.
Again, super proud of you for this post, and I’m very hopeful that things can get better for you! You matter, glad you’re here with us :slight_smile:

Practice More Effective Responses

While you cannot change the traumas or painful experiences that caused your abandonment issues, you can work to heal from them and change your patterns. While these old defenses and ways of coping with your fear of abandonment may have helped protect you in the past, they may be getting in your way now.

If so, work to identify new, healthier, and more effective responses during times when these fears are triggered.

These responses might include:

  • Learning when “old” feelings and fears are being triggered and taking a break to cool off or process through these feelings before reacting
  • Learning to have difficult conversations in calm, respectful ways
  • Talking about how you feel with your partner and asking for what you need
  • Asking for and accepting help when you need it, even when it’s scary
  • Learning not to act on your fears, but instead to act in ways that protect the relationships you care about most
  • Becoming more independent and having healthy amounts of separate time and space in relationships, while still maintaining closeness
  • Avoiding becoming automatically defensive when someone hurts, upsets or offends you
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Thank you so much for responding back, it really means a lot. I’m going to give those suggestions you listed a try. :blush:


one of the best things any of us can do is to give ourselves a moment of pause.

When in a discussion, before you respond, take a moment, take a couple deep breaths, and try to separate the emotions you’re feeling from the message you want to convey to the other person.
So if you’re hurt by something said, don’t retort back with anger or try to hurt them in return. consider saying, “i’m trying to process that, it hurt that you said that”.

Here to run through anything you want to talk about :slight_smile:

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Wow, I’m getting a little teary eyed. This means so much you don’t even know. Trying to work through past trauma isn’t easy on your own and this helps greatly!



glad you’re here with us!


From: Dark Weeb 666 (Matt)

Hi Jason. Welcome to Heartsupport :slightly_smiling_face:. I think what you are going through is very common and very letable with a lot of people. It would be wise to see a therapist to see if you dont have BPD but most importantly because they can help you find way to cope and deal with your issues. I also know a video that might help you find ways to deal with those issues you have. I hope it will evently get better for you. I wish you a lot of luck :wink:. Abandonment Issues: Signs, Causes & How to Overcome - YouTube


From: Katelynn Nye

hello friend thanks for your message and welcome to HeartSupport. I know what’s it like to have a parent walk out on you at a young age. Did you seek counseling yet for the past issues? We also partner with BetterHealth. You can get a free trial for seven days.



Hi Friend, Welcome! Some of us are born a little bit more sensitive than others and when people we love leave us it really effects us in a bad way. We use maladaptive behaviors to cope with real or perceived abandonment or rejection. One thing that works for me is I look at the facts that make my fears a reality and then I look at the facts that make my fears not reality. Like for example, your friend tells you all the time how much they enjoy your company. This could prove that your fear of them abandoning you isn’t really logical. See how you feel after you make these lists and you may not feel the same. Hope this helps. ~Mystrose


From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hey Jason, welcome to Heart Support its so good to meet you. I could have written your post myself which saddens me because I know how that feel and it doesnt feel nice at all. I would definately encourage you to go into therapy if you havent already and really get into those feelings, I never really get to grips with it and I would hate for that to happen to you. So I emplore you to. There are some awsome people out there that wont let you down, that wont leave you or hurt you, you just have to give them a chance. If you do give therapy a go I would love to know how you get on. Much Love Lisa. x


From: eloquentpetrichor

Hello, Jason! Welcome to the community and thank you for sharing with us :hrtlegolove:

I have no real advice that I can offer you but I know how you feel. I often will keep people at arms length. If I feel connected to someone and feel like the friendship could become something real and proper I tend to push them away so that I do not become attached. I keep friendships superficial. I’m beginning to be willing to let people in but it’s hard to fight through those fears and I definitely understand the struggle of letting people in. So that’s the only real advice I can give. To try and let people in and hope for the best. If you want people in your life you will never get them if you never are willing to be hurt. The first person I let in in years may have been a bad choice but I’m choosing not to let it stop me from continuing to try because I don’t want to be alone anymore. I want friends.
Also, starting therapy helped me a ton with this and I think it could help you, too.

I hope you find some good advice here and you work towards what you want in life. And please come post again anytime. We are always around to be a friendly ear/eye :hrtlegolove:


Thank you for your encouraging words! It means a lot.

Lisa it’s nice to meet you and thank you so much for the support. My next step in this is definitely therapy. I’ve kind of known I’ve needed it but have been somewhat reluctant to see someone for some reason.

Thanks Matt for your help! My next step is definitely therapy.

Hey Katelynn! Thank you for your support. I will definitely check out the link you provided. I so appreciate the help!

I totally relate to feeling clingy and ruining relationships, but I think the people we attach ourselves to are often not the type to provide healthy responses themselves.
I guess the difference lies in finding comfort in a partner and being anxiously attached.
I think finding some professional help to build habits into being okay being by yourself would be helpful. Needing love carries profound weight and is important, but it’s important to distinguish the source of what makes us want to cling and be so afraid of losing that love. There’s nothing wrong with seeking counselling and developing cognitive behavioural techniques.
Pushing people away to save hurt only ends up hurting ourselves. It’s like saying “I’m not capable of love or of someone loving me”. But you are and you deserve love.

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Hey @Jbillin5782

I just wanted to share this video with you. I have borderline personality disorder and fear of abandonment is at the core of it. This video explains this fear and ways to cope with it. This is just one trait of BPD and pretty common with people who don’t have a BPD diagnosis. I hope you can get something out of it.


Hey Jason
It’s hard to put yourself out there, to make yourself vulnerable to a complete stranger even if they do have a set of qualifications, also it’s someone you are putting trust in which is a huge Part of the problem, maybe that’s why you are a bit reluctant?
The worst thing that can happen is that you don’t gel with your therapist and that just means getting a new one until you do so I would certainly say bite the bullet and give it a try, you have nothing to loose and a lot to gain if it helps you. Its great to meet you too btw. Much love lisalovesfeathers xx

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My next step is going to be seeking some sort of counseling for sure. Thank so much for you help and encouraging words.

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Thank you so much for your help and support! I’m going to take a look at the video. :blush:

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