So here I go… I hope this helps me calm a bit more, talking about it openly for others to see it.
This is not a post about any mental issues or anything mayor. I am just trying to feel better and organize my mind because It feels like a fuking hurricane.
The story is this: I got involved with this girl, nothing serious, we have been just friends for a couple of months now but i’ve grown so much in love with her, the problem is I don’t feel a real connection between us, I mean a deeper connection of speaking honestly and openly our thoughts and feelings. And even sometimes it feels like she just doesn’t give a fuck about me, she forgets to reply my msgs, or does it 4 hours after I text her, so I get this feeling either she really doesn’t give a fuck about me or she is trying to poke me because I don’t know she is fucked up on her own way. But then are days where our conversation is so full of love and is great because I feel I can be openly tell her how much I care for her and she receives it and it’s all flowers and rainbows.
So the thing is I know I am desperately trying to get some love, like I know I have attachments issues, I was reaised poorly with two role models of parents who have a wicked relantionship, I can recognize sometimes my wrong behaviour but it’s just so overwhelming in my mind and at this point I just want some freaking peace.
So I finally had some free time yesterday and spent three hours writing a letter ranting and telling everything that came to my mind, then I started to extract the most important things with some tools i’ve been given. Things like how I really feel is fear of getting hurt, and what I am doing is trying to get some love but deep down I think to myself I don’t deserve it and I don’t have the right to ask for it and I am wrong for even doing it and that’s why I come with a whole plan where I have everything contemplated and undercontrol, is like I conspiracy against my own feelings and needs.
So anyways I decided I won’t let this carry another day, I am gonna talk to her today, but I just woke up after only 5 hours of sleep, I can’t return to sleep and I am feeling anxious and my mind is racing and I just looking for some kinda of relief…
I am gonna try to order my head a bit more the next hours before I talk to her.
What I am planning on telling her is that I think it was a mistake for me to get involved with her and that I am backing off for good. Tell her how I feel when she gives me mixed signals, or maybe is not her fault, maybe I m the one who got tangled with her because of my neediness… and so I am gonna ask her to be honest, not to live happily forever after, but to build something real and honest and we’ll see tomorrow where it lead us, you know what I mean? I am willingly to take on my bullshit if I know the other person is aware of it and knows I am really trying to overcome it. Fuck is so hard to speak up my mind when it’s so many thoughts on it, I am scared I will babble a bunch of stupid things not making any sense…
I think that’s the best I can do for now.
Thank you for bearing with me and sorry for the misspelled sentences and words.
In case you are wondering (probably not), things didn’t turn well, she ghosted me…
I sent her a voice msg of almost 10mins telling her what I was feeling, what I wanted and I ranted a lot because it was a freaking 10min voice you know lol
To this point I don’t know if she has even heard it or she is playing dumb, or who knows…
I’ve felt relatively better since that moment, but still I feel crushed by she pretending I don’t exist…
It’s my fault for falling for her, I knew that was gonna happen… at least I stopped it before it got worst. But it hurts to find out you thought someone actually had a bit of caring for you but in fact gives cero fucks…
I fantasize with theories of why she is not answering but it would be better if she speaks and tells me she sees me as a friend, or still entangled with her ex or whatever it is… but, keeping me in the dark… it sucks…
I wanna move on from her but a part of me, a silly part, still hopes she will reply… It’s been almost a full week you know. I think I can assure it all went to hell…
well im sorry bout that n you should’t blame yourself for who you fall for i mean its not really our choice. Its good that you got everything off of your chest and told her, it didn’t go well but still. She could also just not know what to say tho or she needs time. N yea it sucks caring for some one so much who doesn’t give a fuck about you. I was in a shitty relationship for some one with almost two years just to realize he didn’t care about me. Buh anyways i know how you feel n if she doesn’t respond then well thats not on you, you told her how you felt, n you tried so that counts for some thing. I hope you feel sum what better n if you have anything else to say then ima still be here so
im here for you if you need
Is not that I am punishing myself for how things turned out. What I meant is that I knew from the beginning that if I wasn’t honest with myself about what I wanted from her then I was gonna get attached to her and my codependency was gonna kick in and then there wasn’t gonna be a happy ending, like I theorized all the ways out and none were good, only one less worst than the other. But as you mentioned, we don’t choose who we feel attracted to, and I thought to myself maybe I need to get exposed to her to heal myself and that was my approach, I allowed me to be vulnerable with her, I was caring to her, and I struggled a lot with myself and showed her only the good outcomes. But I grew too attached to her, my codependency and my emotional attachment issues started to cloud my mind, I couldn’t focus anymore, I was afraid she would only see me as a friend, or was using me to get some love while she was getting other needs met with someone else, etc etc… I was out of my center (that was all last week). So I came up with speaking honestly to her and to me and I was afraid of doing it but I knew it was the right thing to do, and I still think it was, only maybe I was too bold for her. So I think I went with the less worst option, I spoke clearly to her and waited to see the outcome, to meet the consequences, to face the hell. And I did, this week I felt the deception, the anger, the sadness, some memories were moved, I got to open again the door of the root of my attachment traumas, and I descended to hell and snapped out of it quickly. And I am fine, proof that I did well.
But I don’t think she is, and that worries me, I know she has to acknowledge what she did, and I am pretty sure she was double playing me and probably her ex… I think she is not having a good time at all and I wanna help her, I know… we all here know what it is like to be down in that dark hole of suffering and I am afraid she is there and I know she has to come out of it alone but I wanna do something, because it’s horrible and lonely down there…
And thank you for listening. Feels good to have this window to vent.
I am sorry to hear about your relantionship, if you want to speak about it I would listen to you.
Have you talked to her about how she’s doing with the whole situation? And yes it is very easy to get attached to people which makes it harder to let go. Also i know u already did but can you explain again why you think she might be struggling
Hi that’s awesome that you told her how you feel. That wasn’t an easy thing to do. Many aren’t able to do that. If I may recommend a book called Get Out Of Your Head by Jennie Allen. It’s really good. I recently read it myself to work out something of the things going on in my mind and thought maybe it can help clear some of those spiraling thoughts.
Good for you man. You faced your uncertainties head on, got the answer (or lack thereof) that you needed, and after a reasonable (actually pretty quick) period of mourning you snapped out of it and are moving on. You did an awesome job.
I had an ex whose life was spiraling out of control, some of it her fault, some of it just a series of bad circumstances. She was also playing me and her ex. The problem is we got involved romantically, and she broke my heart. Early on my gut told me to run, but I felt good around her and wanted to be with her, so I reasoned that if I gave her the absolute best of myself she’d have no choice but to fall in love with me. For all the misdirection and all the lies she told me in our time together, I do believe she loved me, but that wasn’t enough to get her out of her dark place when she kept pushing me away.
The fact that you know what it feels like down in the hole where she is shows you’re empathetic. The fact that you want to help her shows you care. The fact that you still care after what went down between the two of you is a mark of really great character. But if you lean too far in, she’ll pull you right down there with her. Like you said, she needs to come out alone. Not only can you not rescue her, but if you try it could wreck you too. What’s appropriate here is a concept from Al-Anon called Letting Go with Love. The idea is that you’ll always care about her well-being, but you can’t let her problems control your life, so you’re letting her go with the best wishes and hope that she turns her life around. In Al-Anon, that idea applies to substance abuse, and it’s usually something that loved ones have to tell the abuser because he/she is still present; in your case, if she’s not talking to you, it’s just a concept, an idea you don’t have to confront her with. Try writing it in a letter again, then tie it to a balloon or burn it.
Hey, sorry for being idle. It’s been a bit stressful these past days with all the assignments the college is sending.
Well, she finally answered lol, on monday… and she rejected my proposition to go out, she offered me her friendship, and she was overall very sincere and caring.
I replied that I couldn’t be his friend, because I cared too much for her and I will end up screwing up again. But the background of that is my codependency and my attachment issues will kick in anytime again and then I will screw things, because is the truth, I am not strong enough yet to control myself when I start feeling hurt over little things, so is not right to drag her into my issues, I exposed that to her with different words in the voice msg of 10mins I first sent because I wanted her to be clear that I am dealing with painful stuff.
But anyways it was a clear ending, no grudges or hard feelings, she was sad about me walking away but definitely this was the least worst option, fuck it, it turned out way much better than I expected.
And today it’s her bd, I wrote her a few words early this morning, thanking her for how she was to me, and the role she played in my life during this past months (something related about what I went trought before lockdown started, is another history), and I told her she didn’t need my friendship because she has something better than that. Lol I made her cry…
And I am feeling lonely rn, detached from her, from the illusion and fantasies I make up to feel loved. But is ok, it’s just a phase, I’ll be ok. I know I’ll cross my way with someone greater next, and I’ll keep learning and growing. Seriously there is this magic when you express your feelings without doing it not to get something back, I mean like I wasn’t using my emotions as a plan to get her to love me, no, I was completely straightforward and accepted that she doesn’t feel the same way, and now I feel like I am beyond a frontier I didn’t known I was in.
It’s good that she responded and gave you a answer it might not have been what you wanted but the fact that you were able to tell her how you feel means a lot. Im very happy that you are doing better!!!
