I feel like I’m stuck in another reality, and I can’t work out why, or how to get back, or even if I want to get back. I like it here, but it’s lonely. I feel kind of enlightened, somehow more aware, like my thoughts are occurring before the present moment, like I already know what’s happening as it happens. It’s not delusion though, all my experiences are grounded in reality, I’m just not sure which reality.
I see people everywhere, living their mortal little lives, content with meandering meaninglessness, while worrying about trivial shit. It makes me jealous, because they make it look so easy. I want to reach out and connect to them, to snap my fingers and wake them from their daydreaming slumber. I want to show them the beauty of the human condition, gift wrapped in nihilistic existentialism.
Is this loneliness, or lunacy?
I miss the soft caress of human flesh, the carnal fidelity to raw, animalistic pleasure. I miss comfort and contact.
So how did I end up here? I can’t even work out how to answer that. Was it too much or not enough? Do I need to do more or less? Don’t all options lead down the same primrose path?
I try to write to solidify my thoughts, but now they’re just more abstract and redundant than they were before.
I feel like I’m dancing on the razor’s edge, bracing myself to slip at any moment. Until I do, I might as well just keep dancing and enjoying the view.
Pige,
Such an interesting place to be…to feel like the very type of thinking that gives you pride in your own self-elevation has risen you so “high” that you are at the apex of existence looking down on everyone else. In some sense it gives you comfort having ascended through your own intellectual conquest, and in others it rips away all sense of connection and humanity. When you do interact with others, it feels like you’re not even operating on the same plane of reality, that their understanding of what this life is is so completely veiled that you couldn’t possibly talk or connect in a way that is meaningful at all. In that sense, you have part pity and part envy – pity for the ignorance and envy for the bliss. You want to wake them up, but you fear it will tear than into the same exalted loneliness that you experience. In that vein, you haven’t made a decision on whether or not it’s worth it, so you continue to hover above others as you move through life, feeling safe above, but empty inside. You don’t wish to unlearn what you’ve acquired, because to do that would be to forfeit your perception of purpose or superiority, but you do have remnants of temporal desire that you wish to fill with that same time of blissful pleasantries that others seem so content to consume.
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