Abuser is back and I just can't survive anymore

I don’t even know where to start. I don’t know yet how this works so I’ll mention that I day things here that could effect other people. So I want to say I’ll mention abuse.

I let my abuser see the kids. He raped me and we have a child born through that. but he’s never hurt the kids and he has rights. so my mother stopped talking to me. Having him around is making me lose any grip I had on my mental health but other than him
I’ve got no one- Not even like I’ve got people but I can’t see them. Literally Noone. I don’t have friends. No family that care. No one.

So it’s just me and my four kids and honestly I’m looking into adoption. Weighing up if I died where would they go. But the care system can’t offer more than I can and No family to take the kids so I have to stay alive. But I just don’t have the strength to do anything. I’m so tired. I don’t have the strength to engage with any counseling. I tried.


Heya Friend! Please first of all Stay Strong!

I am Soooo sorry to hear about this all and know that you are stronger than you think.

If you are wanting to end, I highly encourage you to call 1-800-273-8255 and speak to them and they can listen to you and give you advice!

Know first and foremost that you are loved and you absolutely matter friend!

Hold On!

Welcome to HeartSupport. You can be less alone here. We’re here for you to lean on and talk through your problems. We’re just regular people, but we’ve all been through some kind of pain, and while we come here for support we also want to pay that kindness forward.

There is no statute of limitations on rape. You could press charges, and he’d get locked up. It would be a long and hellish process, but he would finally have to answer for hurting you and changing your life. Or maybe you could look into terminating his parental rights. Is he good to the kids? There’s a difference between being a good father and simply not hurting them. Does he support them? Are they better off with him in their lives? Most importantly, are you a better mother for having him around?

Being alone is a scary thought, but once you make that move there’s a certain freedom in it. I see it like this: would you rather be lost in a forest, or trapped in a prison? Extending the metaphor, the forest is full of uncertainty, but you could make a life for yourself there. Build a fire, hunt and gather, and look for passers-by who can talk to you and take you back to civilization. There is no hope in the prison, no possibility of building a life. You just resign yourself to the way things are, and simply exist instead of really living.

Thank you. Truly, thank you.

I keep thinking in terms of things I can change to make things easier. I can’t cope with being a mother when he’s in the picture so that’s what needs to change so I can work on the rest.
My GP has agreed to a phone appointment tommorow so hopefully I can get something to help stabilize my moods through this and get space to work on it.

I dropped charges because I couldn’t face those with my mental health.
I love the Forrest metaphor. (As a side note it’s also the title of my favorite song)