My whole story can be read from my previous topics, but give a quick sum, I have severe social anxiety and depression that I’ve struggled with for about 10 years, and have been in treatment little under 4 years now. Throughout all this I’ve tried different recovery programs and schools, but they all prove too exhausting.
Few days ago I met my therapist again, as I generally do every few weeks or so. Discussing where I’m heading next, after starting and dropping out of yet another school this autumn, I finally mentioned the possibility of disability pension. My therapist told me pretty straight up that she agrees with me - it’s clear by now that I’m not in a shape to work or study. She told me the pension is gonna be really hard to get as I’m only 23 years old, but she agreed we should try anyway.
I’m having very mixed feelings. On one hand, I’d love to get rid of that pressure, that nagging voice that keeps telling me I need to figure out a way to make a living. I hate trying over and over and failing every time. Getting disability pension would take away that stress of “how am I going to live if I cant do anything?”, and in a way, validate my struggles. To have someone else say “you’ve tried everything, and it’s not working out, and that’s okay. You’ve done enough.”
At the same time, accepting the fact that I might never become who I want is hard. I’ve been holding on to hope that maybe one day, when I get better, I can be like I was when I was a kid - brave and talkative and always making new friends. I really want to be her again. But certain things will change us forever, and sometimes there’s no going back, and I’m at a point where I need to admit that the girl I was doesn’t exist anymore, and she’s not coming back. I can only do my best to fill the shell she left me with.
I’ll do my best with what I have. But I cant deny that I dreamed of a very different life. Very different me.