Accepting yourself vs finding love?

I guess this is my latest epiphany about myself.

I hate to admit this but I’m an emotional, kind hearted, overthinking, overanalytical, give people the benefit of the doubt, pussy.

I enjoy talking about my feelings. I enjoy confrontation. I enjoy constant communication. I enjoy reassurance. I enjoy finding a solution to a problem no matter how small it may be. I sweat the small stuff. I worry about inconvenient yet insignificant things. Get the picture?

Here’s the problem, MOST women just don’t want that type of person. They want a MAN in their life. Someone that has their shit together. Someone that isn’t all touchy feely about shit. Someone that can take control of a situation. And take control of her. Someone that she knows she can rely on and when the going gets tough, he won’t be the one to cave. As cheesy as this may sound, and I’m doing my best not to speak for all women here, they want a dominant alpha male end of story.

So that’s my problem. Everyone says learn to accept who you are. Love yourself. That’s a fair statement because we as humans want to be happy and being happy with yourself is huge. But what if who you are goes against the norm and the typical reality of the realm of love that we live in?

If I am myself, I am not a suitable partner.
If I am not myself, I am not happy.

Disclaimer: I realize this entire thing is subjective and yeah yeah everyone is different, and maybe there’s women out there that enjoy the pushovers. But humor me. I’d say it’s pretty clear that statsitically speaking, most women don’t want a lil bitchass pussy as a partner.

Hi @Lee,

You’re right, it is indeed about subjectivity. Yours but also other’s. But it still is a difficult balance to find.

If I am myself, I am not a suitable partner.
If I am not myself, I am not happy.

You certainly know that this is a generalization. Finding a partner who shows unconditional love is also a matter of occasions, circumstances, personalities (…). Being yourself or wearing a mask is part of it. But it’s not only about who you are or how you behave. There are things we can try to control such as who we are, but there are also things that are beyond our control in a relationship.

I’m a women, and I personnally don’t want a “MAN” in my life. In fact, I’m grateful if my partner feels comfortable to share about how he feels when he needs it. Not because I would expect a partner to have this quality, but because it means it could be positive for him. I wouldn’t aprpeciate a man who “take control” of everything. Not a second. And I’ve known women who feel exactly the same. In fact, with generalizations you can reverse what you said: men don’t want independant women in their life. Which is just what it is: a generalization.

I know… you said “most women”. I get it. But I guess what I’m trying to say is that love isn’t something based on specific criterias. You just happen to meet someone and have feelings for them. Then you learn to know each other better. And to improve yourselves together is part of having a loving relationship. I can only imagine that maybe you’ve met women who made you think all of this. It can be very damaging when you think the problem comes from you, that something is wrong with you. And it can also be very damaging to think that what you experienced will always be the same with everyone. We’re all unique. And every relationship is a combination of unique individuals. There’s a huge part of uncertainty in this and we can’t pretend to know what people think or feel unless we truly know them.

First, you don’t have to wear a mask and be someone else. And there are many reasons not to do this, such as: you can’t handle this your whole life and a loving relationship shouldn’t be based on faking who you are. Because the person you love will have feelings for something who isn’t you so, as you said, you won’t be happy at all.

On the other hand, you can always improve yourself depending on the situations you encounter. You don’t have to please others and be different. But when you’re in a relationship you also change over time, you keep growing. It’s what your partner can also help you to do. But it should never be at your own expense. As said before, it’s a balance that is never entirely acquired because it’s always moving, depending on the circumstances and many other factors.

I’m glad you enjoy communication, that you’re kind hearted and sensitive. I personnaly think that these could be great qualities. But like everything: when it becomes too much, it’s damaging for everyone.

  • Being sensitive can allow you to feel intensely alive, to reach levels of awareness that are beyond words. But overthinking can lead you to sadness, anxiety, feeling of being overwhelmed and out of control.
  • To be able to communicate can be really helpful in many situations. And it’s needed in any relationship, otherwise it can be really difficult to live with someone everyday. But again, it depends on the circumstances. You don’t need to communicate about everything and everyone needs a part of intimacy, an inner garden.
  • Being reassured is needed sometimes! It can really improve the way we feel. Your partner can feel grateful to be allowed to cheer you up and comfort you. But again, it can’t be applied everytime. You also have to learn to ease your worries when it becomes out of your control. Not only because your partner can’t assume a role of therapist, but because worrying too much wouldn’t be a good thing for you at first.

I won’t list the others things you mentioned, but you get where I’m going with this. :wink:

There’s nothing wrong with you. And that’s right, you don’t have to wear a mask: it would be counterproductive. But also don’t let generalizations or past experience prevent you to find someone, to catch wonderful opportunities that may appear in your life. That would be very damaging too. I know it’s hard to consider this when we tend to overthink, but there’s a part of uncertainty in human relationships that we need to accept. Sometimes for the best, sometimes for the worse. But if love wasn’t a bit risky, it wouldn’t be worth it.

Hold fast. :heart: