I’ve dated a few guys in my time, and all of them were very sexual beings that thought they could convert me or “convince” me that I want sex. The last guy I dated was a proud, arrogant guy who thought the world of himself and was in love with the idea of having a girlfriend. He’d tell me what he’d do with me “the minute I let him” and it made me so uncomfortable. He was incredibly possessive, and the last time I hugged him, he did not let go after a long while even when I tried to pull away and I suddenly felt UNSAFE near him, just this big scream of this is not okay. I realized in that moment he’s so strong, he could easily overpower me. I’m glad I broke up with him, 'cuz when I did he showed his true colors and threatened physical violence on my friends for turning me against him. Nope. All me, dude.
The two guys before that had past trauma that made them really clingy and thought that affection meant sex and physical pleasure. They got frustrated with me and I was often accused of “taking advantage” of them and “not caring enough” when my love language was too subtle for them.
After the last guy, I realized that I might be ace. And that in itself is hard. Especially with this pandemic going on. Kisses used to be okay but now the thought of it makes me want to curl into myself and disappear. Trying to find companionship as an ace woman is hard, and I’m left constantly feeling broken and inadequate because I don’t and won’t put out. I’m not. I know I’m not. That’s not the issue.
I found a really sweet guy on a dating site. We’ve met up a few times now, and it seems to go well every time. He talks about future activities as though he’s serious, and I’m okay with that. A little older, but still as nerdy as I am and fun to talk to and hang out with. I’ve explained to him that I’m ace, that I don’t have any interest in that. He seems to understand me, but I’m scared he’s not yet shown his true colors. What if he turns out the same as the others? What if he’s lying? What if I can’t get as attached to him as I’d like to? The feeling of love and having a crush doesn’t hit me often, and it hasn’t here, so what if that’s a sign?
I still live with my parents. I work in the family business. I’m messy and disorganized and I’d rather play a game or work on art than clean. I’ve been stuck in this life stasis for years and I’m afraid of leaving home. My mother has severe health issues, my dad is depressed and doesn’t talk to anyone but us. Neither get out much and I’m scared for their quality of life if I leave home for too long. There’s this huge weight and pressure on my shoulders to stay put, and it’s so crippling that I struggle to feel good helping around the house. I do a chore and feel proud, and the response I get is to do more chores and do them urgently. I’m constantly demotivated.
I’m scared that he’ll find out and decide that I’m not worth it.
I grew up believing that you can’t love someone until you love yourself. I don’t love myself. Is that why I don’t feel attachment? Even to my friends, I adore them, but I am prepared to never see them again if I have to… I see my flaws and I hate them, I hate myself, and I always have. I’ve been trying very hard to be kinder to myself and find ways to think positively, but changing a lifetime of self-induced trauma is so difficult.
Thirty one years and I’m still a newbie at this dating thing. I want this to work, but I feel so broken inside and afraid that I can’t live up to his expectations. I’ve seen aces in successful relationships before, getting married or just cohabitating, and I’d like that someday. I don’t want to be alone.