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Belongs to: Therapist gets Sober by Tool
Active addiction right now … cocaine … it’s 4:00 am and I haven’t slept in at least 48 hours and apparently I will be at it until I finish the entire $500 worth that I got Sunday night. I get away with it because “I’m the boss” and can delegate and “work from home.” It’s a “party drug” one of my therapists told me once - “But you only do it when you are alone …” This is true - I can stay sober when I’m with friends or family or my girlfriend. But when I’m alone … I just feel so damn alone. I can’t sleep (even without the drugs), I don’t want to leave the house, I don’t want to take the time to even eat. I’m so tired of working 60+ hours a week like I have for the last 25 years … but I don’t have a choice, I don’t feel like there’s any escape and I will be chained to my damn desk until I die. The money is not worth it. I wish I had a normal life - I never asked for or expected this.
Hey,
It seems like you’re going through a lot, while working really hard. That sounds like an exhausting place to be in, and I’m sorry that you have to do something you don’t want - that can be very stressful and overwhelming. Feeling lonely really sucks, and I understand that having the substance there can be comforting. We all look for a companion in those times, and so your feelings are completely valid and justified. I just want to let you know that no matter how lonely it gets, you’re not alone, and we’ll always be here to support and listen to you when you’re stressed.
Sending you love and support
Thank you for being here and for sharing with us. This loneliness, extreme amount of work, and struggle with drug use all sound so challenging. It sounds like the exhaustion from everything has built up and you feel trapped with all these difficult emotions; perhaps this cocaine use feels like a way out of being so trapped, even though it’s not a healthy one.
I also know you mention challenges with sleeping and eating and I understand how distressing these can be – not being able to (or having the will to) do basic functions of survival can cause these emotional spirals to feel even more endless and painful than they otherwise would.
With that said, we’re here for you and are wishing you the best as you navigate these situations. We’re here for you if there’s anything we can do to help.
