Four years ago, I was at the best point of my life. I was in college on scholarship, I had a savings, and I had a group of friends that all supported each other. I ended up meeting someone who fulfilled what I felt I wanted in life. That feeling of being able to love someone and to be loved myself. Two years later, with no bumps or issues I proposed and she said yes. Yay! Life just seemed to be moving up. We had an apartment together. Both of us got really nice job.
Things started to change in the first year after this. It started with me not being allowed to speak to others because she would get jealous. Sounded normal to me for a relationship, so I conceded and tried to work with it. It seemed like there was this strong distrust rising in her. “What was I doing while I was at work? Who did I talk to while I was there? You worked late? Lies!” I couldn’t enjoy the things I used to because it takes attention away from her. Not even the things that brought us together were interesting to her anymore. Claimed depression. I decided to support. Rest of this year could be summarized with me being trained. If I did as she asked, I would be treated as a person. If I made even the smallest mistake, I would be treated like trash.
Year two after engagement, she felt that it was okay to add onto the emotional manipulation with physical abuse and intense drug use which I had discovered post incident. I’d come home from work, find puke on the floor with her laying on the couch telling me to clean it up before cooking her dinner. Some days she’d meet me at the door with a weapon and threaten that if I ever tried to tell anyone or leave she wouldn’t let me have the chance. I have been strangled, beaten, and “taken advantage of” on multiple occasions this year. She even shot me in the leg with an pellet gun thinking it would be funny to her druggy friends. I don’t understand why I’ve kept going and tried to make everything seem okay. I feel like I’ve been underwater and numb to everything all this time and everything is hitting me now. I just rolled over all this time and let myself be completely walked over. I’ve become just a shell of myself who only speaks when I’m spoken to and doesn’t even know what I’m interested in anymore. I feel damaged and worthless now. I’m crying to and from work wondering if I should just never make it to my destination. Who would accept someone so broken in society now that I’m trying to get out of this. Is it even worth it?
I’m so sorry to hear about your difficult situation. I can’t imagine the kind of hurt you’re going through, but I can tell you that HER actions are not a reflection of YOU.
You’ve lost a part of yourself, a lot of yourself to this relationship, and realizing something like that, facing something like that is so difficult and incredibly painful, but it’s the first step in realizing that something needs to change drastically.
It’s clear that your relationship is not healthy and the emotional trauma you are suffering is getting worse as time goes on. I’ve dealt with drug addicts and alcoholics all of my life and the least I can say is this, though her actions are cruel and scary, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you. If she were in her right frame of mind I’m sure she would be embarrassed and hold great remorse for the way she’s treated you.
I honestly believe that you need to take care of yourself now, and she needs to figure out what she really wants to do with her life, but neither of you can do that if you continue to clean up after her messes, both literal and figurative. I’ve gone through something similar with a parent, and moving on and taking care of myself, rebuilding myself and finding a way to forgive without interaction brought me a lot of peace. Years later after she also found her peace, we’ve been able to slowly repair our relationship.
I know there are resources out there to help those struggling in abusive relationships. Please please reach out to one for additional guidance, reach out to friends and family, you don’t need to carry this burden all by yourself. I promise things will get better, you’re not worthless, and you will find peace I’m so sure of it. I’ll be sending you positive thoughts and vibes and light. I hope things get better for you soon!
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sorry to hear you’re going through something so painful. You have taken the first step and recognized that this is abuse. You recognize this is not acceptable and that it needs to stop, but it doesn’t seem like you know how.
That’s okay. The first thing you need to do is take care of yourself. That means take stock of your situation to see what your options are for leaving. She has physically attacked you. You need to take care of yourself and get away as soon as possible. Do you have a friend who she doesn’t know where they live? Can you move out to a place of your own? Or find out if the nearest shelter for domestic abuse.
Another comment here says it sounds like you lost part of yourself, and that while that is painful, it’s possible to rebuild yourself. You are not worthless because this happened to you. You deserve to be treated with love and respect, not controlled and abused. Domestic abuse services are all about helping you rebuild. Once you can get away from the relationship, I hope you can find a program to join, because I’m sure it would help to have a community around you that cares deeply about you rebuilding, and knows what it’s like to gone through what you have.
You’re brave for wanting to do something about this. And you can. You can remove yourself from the situation, and rebuild yourself into someone even more amazing :). Please come back to hs and let us know what’s going on if you can. We are here to help.
Thank you for your response tppn. I see that she is having serious issues right now and needs help. From all this time together it would be extremely difficult for me to leave her in such a state. I’ll try to see what is the best for both of us. Currently thinking about getting her the help she needs and then having time alone to rebuild myself.
This part especially hit me. I think it’s this that I’ve been holding onto knowing how she was before she fell into where she is. Like, she’s just been put on the wrong path and all.
I appreciate hearing that it’s possible to have some hope as a similar event has been able to work out with you. I would really like it if we could both find peace.
I’ve recently started looking into available resources and have started trying to build a network again. I’m going to have to start somewhere.
Hey I think this video might be able to help. https://youtu.be/AeGEv0YVLtw. Good luck and just remember: what happened to you isn’t your fault. You don’t deserve anything that’s happening to you. And anyone that says otherwise is fucking with you.
Dude I get you wanna be compassionate and help both the people involved. But it’s kind of really dangerous to tell someone that’s being abused to consider their abusers feelings. That’s what got them in that situation to begin with. Abuse isn’t the same as an argument or a fight where both people are playing fair and it’s distressed; it’s an insidious wearing away of a person’s boundaries and sense of self worth. Whether they are doing it knowingly or not, they are bleeding their targets completely dry.
The abusers emotions at that point in time have to become irrelevant because the abuser feels they get to do what they’re doing to you. They don’t care and given what the OP described she won’t ever care even if he tries to have a real talk with her. She feels she gets to do this. Why would it be cruel to leave her?
TL DR: you don’t have to justify taking steps to protect yourself. You don’t need to be rational about your safety. If you feel threatened or hurt, it’s for a good reason and I’d rather people protect themselves too much than get hurt in the ways that I have.