Four years ago, I was at the best point of my life. I was in college on scholarship, I had a savings, and I had a group of friends that all supported each other. I ended up meeting someone who fulfilled what I felt I wanted in life. That feeling of being able to love someone and to be loved myself. Two years later, with no bumps or issues I proposed and she said yes. Yay! Life just seemed to be moving up. We had an apartment together. Both of us got really nice job.
Things started to change in the first year after this. It started with me not being allowed to speak to others because she would get jealous. Sounded normal to me for a relationship, so I conceded and tried to work with it. It seemed like there was this strong distrust rising in her. “What was I doing while I was at work? Who did I talk to while I was there? You worked late? Lies!” I couldn’t enjoy the things I used to because it takes attention away from her. Not even the things that brought us together were interesting to her anymore. Claimed depression. I decided to support. Rest of this year could be summarized with me being trained. If I did as she asked, I would be treated as a person. If I made even the smallest mistake, I would be treated like trash.
Year two after engagement, she felt that it was okay to add onto the emotional manipulation with physical abuse and intense drug use which I had discovered post incident. I’d come home from work, find puke on the floor with her laying on the couch telling me to clean it up before cooking her dinner. Some days she’d meet me at the door with a weapon and threaten that if I ever tried to tell anyone or leave she wouldn’t let me have the chance. I have been strangled, beaten, and “taken advantage of” on multiple occasions this year. She even shot me in the leg with an pellet gun thinking it would be funny to her druggy friends. I don’t understand why I’ve kept going and tried to make everything seem okay. I feel like I’ve been underwater and numb to everything all this time and everything is hitting me now. I just rolled over all this time and let myself be completely walked over. I’ve become just a shell of myself who only speaks when I’m spoken to and doesn’t even know what I’m interested in anymore. I feel damaged and worthless now. I’m crying to and from work wondering if I should just never make it to my destination. Who would accept someone so broken in society now that I’m trying to get out of this. Is it even worth it?