Addicted to self isolation

I don’t know why and I know its hurting me but sometimes I feel like I am unworthy of integrating with society or I have a hard time with it. So I just want to sink back into my little hole in the ground and stay there. For some reason I feel like I’m not supposed to be out there, I’m supposed to be inside rotting away in my bedroom.

I’ve been alone involuntarily for a long time that when I had to chance to not be alone, I turn it down. Like I have this online community and people care and they want to be around me for some reason. It’s scary and I start to isolate myself voluntarily or I have meltdowns or I shutdown completely.

And my mood swings make it worse. I don’t think I’ve ever truly had a stable moment in my life. I was always up and down, never in the middle. Never at peace. Laughing for days and then beating myself up for the next couple days after that’s over.

Sometimes I feel like I’m worse when I’m around people because I don’t know how to act and then I start being weird and I start to get upset because I have never in my life learned how to affectly handle social situations. I just shutdown when stuff happens, even when its non threatening. I tend to overthink and then spiral.

I feel more safe when I am alone but its also something that is slowing killing me and eating me from the inside out. Forced loneliness is like a drug and im slowly but surely dying from it.

It’s addictive to contemplate suicide and its addictive to imagine ruining my own life forever.

As they say, old habits die hard.

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From: miranda_tiger (Twitch)

always being up or down, never in the middle, never at peace. sounds exactly like some symptoms i recently shared with my therapist and got a diagnosis that explains just that feeling alone. idk if i can reveal that diagnosis here but you should reach out to a professional about all these deeper negative thoughts of yourself

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From: malkaru (Twitch)

we love you and you matters and i’m sorry world hurt sometimes

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I’m sorry you are struggling with this, @Amaris. To be completely honest, it is very relatable to me personally because of my struggles with social anxiety and performance anxiety. Social interactions to me are always challenging. The amount of people I can be 100% myself with is close to 1. Interactions don’t follow a magic recipe or guide so it’s always full of uncertainty. And when you add this inner critic that makes us constantly review and criticize what we do or say, what others could think of us, it becomes very draining and discouraging. It’s hard to feel like we are both not good enough and too much at the same time. Hard to find a place in this world without being constantly drained.

Your need to isolate is understandable. It’s a way to protect your peace. When my anxiety is higher, especially because of PMDD, my brain is in a mode that makes me feel like ANY interaction is wrong, while objectively everything went well. The intense feeling inside is just overwhelming, and the constant inner dialogue so invasive. When you decide to avoid what looks like the cause of this stress and exhaustion - social interactions - you naturally want to retreat.

But… the issue is not social interactions. It is the anxiety. Your brain is used to associate socializing with risk, fear, discomfort, feeling unsafe, while the root cause is this inner dialogue that puts you down and your perception of the interactions. Avoidance, self-isolating, as necessary as it is sometimes to recharge, is also not a solution in the long run. It has to be balanced with times of socializing. The more we avoid what we fear, the more impressive and intimidating it becomes. The paradox being that the more you actually socialize and observe yourself (how you feel, what you think) during those, the more you will be able to distance yourself from these negative thoughts. It takes practice. But in the end it would be unfair both for you to miss amazing connections with others, and for others to miss the gift that it is to know you.

Don’t let your anxiety rule your right to exist, Amaris. You absolutely belong in this world, are allowed to take up space without being perfect, and to have a voice. :hrtlegolove:

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From: Ash

Amaris first off thank you for sharing what is going on for you. I feel you on this idea that isolation there are times where I just want to be alone but than the next I dont want to be alone. It is tough because like it feels as if you have to put so much energy into it. Sometimes I just have to put stuff to do with someone and only like once a week or so not too stressful.

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From: Dark Weeb 666 (Matt)

Hi Amaris I am sorry that you are hurting. It feels like you have done some introspection. It seems like you are trying to figure yourself out and that is good. You have identified some of your habbits that have been hurting you which is amazing. Good job! Now what is the hard part is to figure out what to do with those. I think the best option is for you to find a good therapist that will help you figure yourself out and help you find ways to work on yourself and those painful habbits and thoughts. Allow yourself to get help Amaris. I wish the best for you :wink:

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hey Amaris it seems like today you are feeling intospective and I can understand that, its very hard when you are spending lots of time alone to then think about getting out there and being around people, you want to but you dont want to, I totally understand that, i spend 99% of my time alone and its exhausting when i do have to be around people but yes it can also get lonely so finding a happy medium can be difficult and if you struggle with being comfortable in social situations then how are you ever going to get comfy if you are never if them? its all a vicious circle but worrying isnt going to change that and so mabye you could use some of your time with some self care and have a read about managing social situations so that you have some things to practice the next to you find yourself in one? give it a go. Its not all bad out there, you have to take a deep breath and a smile goes a long way. Much Love Lisa x

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From: SuchBlue

Hey Amaris,

You might have had a good mood and it went away, you might have had a bad mood and it went away, but you also have a life and it hasn’t went away yet. A mood comes and goes, a life doesn’t and you shouldn’t let your temporary mood affect your life. A bad mood can hurt one’s life a lot, but what hurts a life the most is death. You’re still alive, you’ve still got a lot more years to live. Let’s ignore the little sad things and see the nice things in life, the things that make us happy and the things that make us feel valuable. You can do this. I believe in you!!! :hrtlegolove:

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I appreciate all the comments. I don’t visit this website as often as I did but I do read your comments through my email and they really motivate me. I’m doing much better these days!

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It’s good to hear that you’re feeling better, @Amaris. Thank you for your renewed trust and well done for not letting the temptation to be on your own take the best of you. You belong in this world and your presence if a gift.

Take care, always. :hrtlegolove:

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