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Addiction and conflicting thoughts

Hello there.
My most recent post was in february 2020 andso it’s been a while. I’d like to share an update aswell as talk about what happened at the doctor.

Since after my parents was watching every move I made for a few months but stopped (since the incident on the last post) and for the rest of the year I was completely fine. I was feeling so good, no troubling thoughts, no big issues with anxiety. I was fully just fine. But of course it stopped the year after that.

I became an adult and of legal age so I could buy whatever I wanted, do whatever I wanted without someone watching me or needing permission. Absolutely heaven and hell. One of the worst things that I could’ve imagined happened.
I got into drugs, the curiosity took the best of me. Now for the longest time (I’ve been using for about 1,5 years now) I thought I wasn’t addicted, like I can quit whenever! and the same went for nicotine!

At the appointment the doctor said that if they(and I) want to medicate me then I need to have been sober for 3 months beforehand. What I came to realise today was that haven’t been truthful to myself at all. She said and I’ve been thinking about this since I got home:

"It’s easy to say that you’re not addicted, but it contradicts itself when you say that you can quit whenever you want but “not now”. " (as in I can quit whenever, but I’m not doing it)

For me, it’s always been that feeling that I have control over what I do to myself whether it be alcohol, drugs, nicotine, anything that is known to be addicting. So when she said that my head crashed, like it didn’t make sense? I know what I’m doing and I know how I feel. “I can’t be addicted that’s absurd” I told myself the whole ride home.

Now I’ve come to terms with it ish, admitted it to myself but I can’t shake the feeling off. I’m utterly uncomfortable and all I can think about is am I going to sacrifice the potential help to better my mental health that I’ve been struggling with since I was a kid for some dirty pills?? I know the answer to that question and it’s no. But I hate that I’m hesitating so much and that I’m not entirely sure.

I know what I need to do, and I will make sure I stay clean.

Sorry for my English and for taking your time. Hope you all stay safe.

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You have taken a huge step, just by acknowledging the problem. The truth is, addicts who are not ready to change usually deny their addiction. The point you make about sacrificing is quite valid. It’s really a matter of choosing between unhealthy cravings, and physical/emotional well-being.

The brain will rebel when it considers giving up a habit, especially those with such addiction potential. When you fight an addiction, the more it seems to fight back and try to hang on. A better approach might be to turn away from it, and towards something else that is both healthier and more fulfilling. When I stopped smoking, I turned to cross-country skiing. Surprisingly, the intense exercise really decreased the tobacco craving.

See if you can connect to a support group, perhaps one online if there are none close to you. That can help you feel that you aren’t alone, and ideas about how to stay clean can be shared. It’s understandable that you would hesitate to take on this big change in your life. You’ve probably heard the expression “take the plunge.” It’s like diving into a lake. At first, the water can feel pretty shocking, but then you get used to it and start having fun.

Turning away from negative habits can initially feel emotionally shocking, but you might be amazed at how quickly that feeling goes away, and you find other ways to spend your time.

Keep talking to your therapist, and be honest about your emotional experience. It will help a lot. Stay in touch, Wings

2 Likes

From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

Hi abbe, There is an easy way to tell if you’re actually addicted to something. Put it down and don’t use and pay attention to your body. Are you craving and feel like you need it? Does your body feel sick? Do you continue to think about it or do you obsess about it? Or… Do you feel ok and aren’t thinking about it too much? Your body will tell you. ~Mystrose

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From: Aces MCL36M

Hallos! Addictions is something I’ve never had a problem with so I can really give you much advice. But heart support provides something called Action groups which sets goals that can be perfect to control you’re addiction to certain stuff. Heart support also provides some amazing resources: Addictions Resources - Google Drive

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From: eloquentpetrichor

Hello, abbe! Thank you for posting and welcome back to the forum :hrtlegolove:

I’m so sorry you are discovering that you did not have as much control as you thought over your drug use. I can imagine how disturbing that is to discover. I have no words of wisdom or advice. All I have for you is my faith in your ability to overcome this addiction and find a healthier and sober life. I believe in you, friend.

Good luck and I hope you keep us updated about your journey. :hrtlegolove:

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From: Dark Weeb 666 (Matt)

Hi abbe First of all congratulations for admitting that you have a problem. Thats the first step. I think you should talk to your doctor and ask about your options for support groups and treatment. There are also support groups on the internet with people who have gone through similar things as you. It is going to be hard to get through this but it is doable. I really wish you all the courage and strenght you need my friend and I hope your road to a better mental health is going to bear its fruit soon :slightly_smiling_face:.

1 Like

From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hey Friend, thank you so much for your post, I am glad to see that things have moved on in the last 2 years for you but its worrying that you have turned to drugs to help with that. you hear all the time people that say that they didnt think they had an addiction and that they believed they had control the whole time until someone told them to take control. It frightening how these things can get into your body and your mind. So now that you know you have the problem its great that you are being honest with yoursef, admitting it and trying to find ways to help yourself. There is a lot of help out there for people in this situation. It certainly worth looking looking locally where you live along with any online support just like here with Heartsupport as one of my friends here mentions our Action Groups. I would grab every little bit of assistance you can get to help you to get clean and stay that way. You have come a long way in 2 years from being in that psychiatric unit so now you have another hurdle to climb and I have every faith in you that you will manage it. Good luck. Much Love Lisa. xx