My most recent post was in february 2020 andso it’s been a while. I’d like to share an update aswell as talk about what happened at the doctor.
Since after my parents was watching every move I made for a few months but stopped (since the incident on the last post) and for the rest of the year I was completely fine. I was feeling so good, no troubling thoughts, no big issues with anxiety. I was fully just fine. But of course it stopped the year after that.
I became an adult and of legal age so I could buy whatever I wanted, do whatever I wanted without someone watching me or needing permission. Absolutely heaven and hell. One of the worst things that I could’ve imagined happened.
I got into drugs, the curiosity took the best of me. Now for the longest time (I’ve been using for about 1,5 years now) I thought I wasn’t addicted, like I can quit whenever! and the same went for nicotine!
At the appointment the doctor said that if they(and I) want to medicate me then I need to have been sober for 3 months beforehand. What I came to realise today was that haven’t been truthful to myself at all. She said and I’ve been thinking about this since I got home:
"It’s easy to say that you’re not addicted, but it contradicts itself when you say that you can quit whenever you want but “not now”. " (as in I can quit whenever, but I’m not doing it)
For me, it’s always been that feeling that I have control over what I do to myself whether it be alcohol, drugs, nicotine, anything that is known to be addicting. So when she said that my head crashed, like it didn’t make sense? I know what I’m doing and I know how I feel. “I can’t be addicted that’s absurd” I told myself the whole ride home.
Now I’ve come to terms with it ish, admitted it to myself but I can’t shake the feeling off. I’m utterly uncomfortable and all I can think about is am I going to sacrifice the potential help to better my mental health that I’ve been struggling with since I was a kid for some dirty pills?? I know the answer to that question and it’s no. But I hate that I’m hesitating so much and that I’m not entirely sure.
I know what I need to do, and I will make sure I stay clean.
Sorry for my English and for taking your time. Hope you all stay safe.