Addiction and Shame (NSFW)

I have heard that shame is the fear of being unable to connect with other people in a meaningful way. I have dealt with all the causes of shame that I know I possess, except this one, by confronting the taboo and proving that my fear of rejection or inability to connect is unfounded. This shame is an addiction that has no taboo among those who are trained to help. They would say that I should embrace it and that it is my thinking and beliefs that generate the negative effects of my addiction. I am addicted to masturbation.

I need help quitting and staying free of an always readily accessible addiction and I do not know where else to look. I know masturbation is evil, even if I cannot fully comprehend why. The Holy Ghost departs whenever I engage in masturbation and that is enough to tell it is wrong even if the whole world should say otherwise. My personal logic says that getting something for nothing is never a good idea: either there are costs that you do not know about or you will eventually get that something, over and over, to the exclusion of all else, including things that you think are of the utmost importance.

The troubles I have with addictions happen in times of great stress and medication problems. I cannot function without medication. I get this pit in me that can’t be filled. I also adapt to medication very quickly. I just changed my antipsychotic. I changed my antidepressants six months ago. Both changes required hospitalization and were very stressful. I will probably have to do it all again and I do not want to deal with spiritual ramifications from an addiction everyone seems to accept as normal when I do. Does anyone know of a way out?

I do something that I call a glissade: it feels like my body moves and I just observe. I call it a glissade because it seems very much like I’m sliding down a sheet of ice while frantically trying to hammer an ice axe into the ice before I’m going so fast that success breaks my wrist or wrenches the axe out of my hand. Or both. The proper term is “dissociation” but this does not really capture the panic involved when it happens. Many relapses and several major instances of self harm have happened during a glissade. I do not know how to get out of them except with “more” self control, and that kind of thinking can lead to guilt quickly. I have masturbation set up to be the redirect from self harm and mutilation —a psychological pressure valve, if you will— and I want to get rid of that. I want to stop doing glissades in general. Does anyone know of a better way to stop dissociative episodes than brute force once they have begun?

Thanks.

—Mallory

I am troubled reading the things you’ve described here. I don’t believe these are things you should seek the advice of strangers, but they should be discussed with your mental health provider.

My support to you, is to show your mental health provider this site, this post, and talk about it. You’re going through some very intense waves, and I wouldn’t feel safe out there in a row boat. I’m personally not equipped to help, but I am onshore hoping for calmer waters. I’m not going to pretend to know where you’re coming from, but reaching out and expressing issues like this, I know that’s hard to open up about. It’s a good start to healing, and that is an experience I hope to share with you. Just take things one step at a time and keep us informed on your little victories, and maybe some challenges. We’ve all been there and might have a story or two to keep you going.

Thank you for answering. To clarify: I need help filling holes that official, educated mental health care workers leave behind for peer networks to fill, often because they are busy, sometimes because they do not understand, but always because they can’t. A peer can do things that a person in authority cannot. (Some things like this forum are so much more beautiful with that in mind.) I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Thursday. Until then? Lots of chocolate. Is there a better way? I don’t know. That’s largely why I ask. Sometimes those who have been broken are the best at healing those who are breaking. There is no understanding quite like personal experience.