Hey I can’t… I can’t believe I’m doing this. God. But idk… Here goes … I cut. And some people know- ish… But I can’t talk to them about it. That’s just dragging them down. And I just… I don’t even know if I want to stop anymore. I mean… I’m not hurting anyone hit myself. And it feels so good. When I’m cutting I don’t think about death. Or wish for it. I just feel the blood roll down my arm and it feels so good, and the slight sting from the razorblade that just reminds me I’m still alive. I know I’m addicted but I really can’t find a reason to stop. And I think about just throwing my blades put but I can’t do it.
I know I’m going to end up alone- it’s part of my plan. End high school with at least a 5.0, go to a good college, finish medical school, become a trauma surgeon, rise through the ranks, maybe to head of er- no time for a family. No time for friends. I have to give myself up for the public good because that’s my calling since I was 6 but it’s killing me. Also I’m starting to doubt religion(Catholic). I feel myself slipping away… I made one of my friends swear he wouldn’t let me do anything “stupid” . I don’t think he understood what I was talking about. I’m scared I’m going to lose my will to hang on and the dear of Hell that keeps me from ending it right now… I just… Don’t know what to do.
I feel so dumb posting this anonymously on some blog…
Ugh
Hey bubby
Thank you for sharing your story, I know addication is hard thing to over come, specially in this pandemic. I struggle with self and have been mouths clear. This past weekend. I have very intense emotions. I post fuck shit on social media. I even gave my friend a suicide note. I feel you man.
If cool I can give some other options beside cutting, like try holding a ice cube. It same rush but less harmful, or rubber band. Also, try wash cold water on your face. It okay to question your religion, there not always a straight answers. Don’t try to be a perfect person, try to be a good person. It okay to make mistakes. Stay strong!
Hey, you aren’t dumb for sharing your feelings and struggles. That’s what we are here for. You’re having a hard time and you should share it. Instead of hiding away. You deserve to be heard my friend. hugs
Maybe this app could be of help when you are feeling the urge to self harm:
You can also go here to text a crisis counselor when you’re having an urge and need to speak to someone right away:
Thanks! I downloaded the app… And I’m one night clean now. It doesn’t seem like much and I can tell I won’t be able to hold out too much longer… But one night is the longest I’ve gone in months… And I hope I can build on it. Thank you!
Hey, that IS “much”. It’s a big deal! That’s one day that is the beginning of healing. That’s a day of strength. A day of you being able to say “I tried”
You got this friend. And we are here if you need to vent. Those resources are there for you <3
I messed up. Already. It’s been like, 36 hours? I don’t know if I can do this. If I’m going to have scars anyway, what’s one more week? One more month? A year? I don’t know if I can stop.
Hey it’s okay. You’re recovering and you are trying. It’s part of the process. Be gentle with yourself friend <3 I used to be locked in that cycle. I know you can come through this. It doesn’t happen over night. It takes time. It’s okay if you slipped. You can try again. One day at a time, okay?
Maybe work on finding methods that can help you through the moment of urge. <3
What are some things that you feel could help you?
Hey. IDK… It’s just- any time I look down at my wrists or my thighs, in some sick, strange way the cuts are … Beautiful to me. And I can’t help thinking there should be more. And eventually I walk into my room where I keep my blades or the bathroom where I cut and the urge becomes overwhelming. I would talk to a friend who knows about my … Stuff… but she has a lot going on right now and I don’t want to add worrying about me to her list… I’m kind of stuck. I really don’t know what to do
Do you think maybe you could try to work on getting rid of them? I know its so hard. I used to struggle with letting them go, but maybe its a good step for you to take for yourself, so when you get the urge those things arent there. And maybe try to find some healthy steps to get through it. Its not easy at first, but you have a lot of support my friend. Those links up there are a good start.
There is also this:
ReWrite: The Journey From Self-Harm To Healing
Another couple links that would maybe be worth looking into is:
https://forum.heartsupport.com/t/trying-so-hard-but-making-it-nowhere/14096
https://forum.heartsupport.com/t/anxiety-like-a-hurricane/14097
These could be really good exercises for you to talk about what you are feeling and going through <3
Ok thank you. I really don’t think I’m ready to throw out my stuff yet. I think if the urge gets bad enough I think I would go after a kitchen knife or safety pin or something… Im going to try doing the thing where I went one day yesterday, now I’m going 2 then 3, etc… Is that ok? Also… People say the urges never go away. Is that true?