Advice about relationships

I really don’t know what to do about someone with mutual feelings about wanting to be in a poly relationship with me. She has a partner. We been talking and seeing eachother for two months. First time experience dating someone. That identity’s as Polly. I respect that. Sometimes it feels like a long distance type of relationship even though we live 10 mins from eachother. She asked if wanted to be labeled as bf/gf. We only see eachother on Sundays or unless I go to her restaurant where she works at to have a drink after work. I told her that for me it’s not just a label. But the effort would be increased with trying to see eachother more. And what not but. I really do like her and would love nothing more. But I still don’t know how if you have a partner you love and been with for over 6 years. To want to look for another relationship with someone and have your existing partner.

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From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

Hi Friend, welcome back to Heart Support. This is a complicated situation. I have some questions for you. Does her partner know about you? Are they both involved in asking you to be a part of this relationship? I would really be careful if her partner doesn’t know. Everyone in the relationship has to be consenting. If they both asked you, then I would sit down with both of them and have serious a talk. Ask all of your questions and really think about what you want. ~Mystrose

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Friend, Thank you for this post, I find this one pretty difficult to respond to as we are are here to give support and encouragement and yes advice when asked and its difficult to give advice on a post that you know that your advice is probably not going to be what the person wants to hear. I will start by saying that you are perfectly entitled to do exactly as you want and no one and I mean no one can and should be able to make you do otherwise and if you ever feel something doesnt feel right then listen to your gut instinct. Now then, I will follow that by saying that if you were my son or my brother I would tell you to not get involvec in this situation, everything that you have explained does not sound right, nothing you said made me think this sounded like a good idea. I know you cannot help who you have feelings for but I just see you being the one getting hurt by this. Of course as I say this is your choice and no you are not my son or my brother and if you wish to try and make it work I wish you the very very best of luck and I hope you prove me wrong. But please take care of your heart. Much Love Lisa. x

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From: Mamadien

I’ve noted in my life that whenever I have concerns about getting further involved with a relationship to where I seek advice from others, it usually means that I need to take a very careful look at what I am doing. May I ask a couple of questions? First, do you feel that you would like to be in a poly relationship? Does this woman’s partner also want to participate in a poly relationship with you? Do you want to be in relationship with her partner, or just her? Relationships between 2 people are hard to nurture and care for. When you add in a third person it becomes much more difficult. My thought is that you need to already be dating as a group of 3 if you want to see if this would work. If you are thinking of only being involved with her separate from the partner - that is not poly, it’s cheating on her part. Please consider carefully as this could get very messy if things are not all above board and honest right from the start. Please let us know what you decide and how you are doing my friend. You deserve a wonderful, nurturing relationship with someone who can be committed to you and you to them. I wish you well.

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Hey friendo. Sorry you’re in such a confusing situation. I guess my first question for you is are you poly? Have you considered all the things that go along with being poly? There are a LOT of components that go into having multiple partners and there has to be a LOT of communication and understanding between everyone involved. From my first hand view of knowing polyamorus people, I’ve see how messy and crazy it can get and how fast it can happen, unfortunately.

Will you also be dating this girl’s partner? or will you be just someone on the side that she is seeing? because that’s not polyamory, that’s just an open relationship/seeing someone else. Its very possible they have an open relationship, especially after years of being together…since sometimes people decide to open their relationships up because they’re “bored” with their current person but still want to be/live with them. [I’ve also never seen an open relationship go well. It usually doesn’t end up very good because one person is usually more excited to date/have sex/whatever with new people, and the other one ends up getting hurt/jealous] :confused:

I think your best bet would be to really sit down and talk with this girl and see what she’s looking for in a relationship with you, and to question yourself if it seems like the best route for you to go. You’ve got to be on the same page when you’re seeing anyone who has another partner(s) and you also have to know how to protect your heart if and when something goes askew with your expectations.

There are a lot of red flags here for me, but I don’t know what conversations you’ve had with this person already, so maybe they aren’t that big of red flags for you since you know all of the context. Good luck friend. I hope you figure out your situation soon and get to be as happy as you deserve to be!!

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I appreciate all your comments. And I get what heart support is all about. I just felt it was a safe place as usual. To come forward Ik most people are opposed to situations like this. But her partner was ok with us being a thing seeing where it goes. I wouldn’t have started this or even thought about it if he wasn’t ok with it. But how ever I am very open and honest with her about if I feel like it’s fishy or think it might jeopardize her relationship with her primary partner I’m walking away. I made it very clear that not to sound like a dick but, yeah it’s fun if we’re all consenting adults and if she really is Polly. For me it’s looking for a partner to share some time with even if it’s 2 days a week I mostly work and hang out with friends and sometimes it gets lonely. It’s more of someone to spend time with . And build a connection with. I’m ok with if she has a partner: I fall for people in the weirdest ways. I’m not ok with doing things in secrecy. Prove you’re serious. And I’ll show you me.

I’m fully aware of everything. I tried to do some research. Trying co communicate what she wants. And what she expects out of this . Cause ultimately it does have an expiration date. I moved up to a new state and we connected fairly quickly . Talked and the typical story. Went on a few dates but it was after she talked with her partner about it
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Hey Friend, Thank you for responding, I dont want you to think that what was said to you was because there was judgement on the “poly” side of the relationship. There certainly was not on my side, I was purely looking at it on a trust level and the fact that you sounded unsure and something didnt sit right within the relationship you had with this person made me think this was going to lead to you possibly being the one to get hurt, It had nothing to do with how I view Polly relationships, which by the way I have no problem with, I think people are free to have the relaionships that they choose as long as they are honest with one another and dont hurt anyone or themselves in the process. You have a heart and I would love to see it kept in one piece. Much Love Lisa. x

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