I have sort of a love-hate relationship with my mom, I feel like she just wants to use me for her own desires and what she wants only. When I try to talk to her she usually gets mad cause she doesn’t like when I ask questions. When in an argument or trying to tell her something she always thinks im trying to act older than her or that I’m trying to make her look stupid. I only try to explain something and I know i’m not always 100% right about something. Sometimes I try to explain what goes on with me, I stress out or get mad, depressed, anxious, etc. I just feel like she doesn’t listen to me when I tell her this cause the next day, she’ll get mad even after I told her I need help with things or I need a therapist. What should I do? I don’t want to keep fighting with her almost every single day.
I’m sorry to hear that. It is a tough situation. All I can say is be patient. You don’t know if she comes around.
Thanks. I’ll try my best
Thanks for posting! Hopefully what I’ll say will help you some.
I feel like I say this a lot, but communication is very important! It sucks that this keeps happening for you. It’s happened to me quite a bit myself! Have you ever said something like this to her before? Just how you feel like almost anything you say to her is wrong or something like that? I think it would be a good idea to try and do that! I think it is very important to tell her how you feel and you don’t think she is listening. If you don’t, things probably won’t change.
When you say that you want to see a therapist, were you already upset in this situations? Was your mother busy doing something else? I know when my mom is busy or had a long day she has a rather short temper (which isn’t fun). Do you think you could schedule your own therapy appointment and go on your own? I know a lot of places are doing online stuff right now; you’d just have to check that your insurance covers where you are going.
I do hope things get better for you soon, and take care of yourself!
Hi @Quiet.mage.1841 and thank you so much for sharing with us. This sounds like a tough situation to be in. It can be hard getting into arguments with authoritative figures in your life because a lot of the time, they are the parent, they know what’s best, they know more than the child. When it comes to anyone, friends, family, etc… it’s best to try and do so in a calm manner so you can both have thought out conversations. If you notice that when you are trying to talk to your mom and either she is getting heated or you are ask if you guys can take a step back and maybe cool off.
A lot of people get defensive when it comes to being in an argument like the other person is trying to belittle them which is not always the case but if the tension is already there it’s hard to see the situation clearly and understand where the other person is coming from. If you can be like, “hey mom, I am struggling right now and need your help”, or “I am dealing with a lot of emotions right now and some of those I don’t fully understand and I think it would be beneficial to me if I could get some help from someone who is trained to deal with things like this”. It’s just a weird power dynamic and I am sure you are not trying to “act older” than her. If you can the next time you talk, maybe write out what you are feeling in a journal, make some bullet points of things you would like to cover the next time you talk to your mom because the more put together your thoughts can be the easier it will be to convey it to the other party involved.
Yes, I have told her how I felt about some things before, but it just feels like she wasn’t really listening to me cause she would sort of interrupt when I would explain how I felt. She does have a short temper often so I don’t really talk as much because I don’t want her to get mad. I was already upset in most situations, so I would try to talk to someone else about my problems. I want to go see a therapist on my own however I can’t drive yet but I am trying to find one online to talk to. Thank you 
Thank you. I try to talk to her in a calm way but when she starts to get mad I guess it just causes me to raise my voice a little so I hope that she hears me out for what I have to say, however if I do raise my voice a little she takes it the wrong way as if I am trying to act older than my age, or if I’m trying to be like I know more than she does. I try to tell her that its sort of a force of habit it someone gets mad at me when I’m trying to explain calmly. I will try to speak to her differently to see if I get a better response.
I’m glad to hear that! I’m sorry your mom has a bit of a short temper!
Do you have any common interests with her? If you do something relaxing together to bond, that would also help your relationship! I noticed that watching and sharing Star Wars with my mom helped my relationship with her, so hopefully something similar could help you both?
Hey there Quiet Mage,
I want to start by saying that your mother doesn’t define your worth. If you think you need help with things, or need a therapist, guess what? You need those things! While she is a parent, and definitely has a perspective you don’t have, that’s no excuse for you not getting the help you think you need, or at least having a calm discussion about what sort of support you’re looking for.
From your post it sounds like she’s displaying narcissistic behavior, and spends time thinking about how things are impacting herself, rather than thinking about others. While she might not do this all the time, it sounds like it’s regular enough to be disruptive. You could do some research into this if you think it applies to maybe get some tips on how to interact with people who struggle with narcissism.
Adding to what @sakurasangel said, I think it would be a really good idea to reach out, mention these things, and gauge her response. Having a calm and direct conversation (which most often happens well after the event when you’ve managed the knee-jerk emotional reaction) with a parent can do absolute wonders!
I also want to point out that it’s not mandatory to have a great relationship with your parents. I know people who haven’t spoken to their parents because of boundaries they’ve crossed, and for the most part, it sounds like it was a great decision for them, and they’ve found freedom because of it! It doesn’t mean you should push to get away from them either, there’s a healthy balance there
For reviving help for what you’re struggling with, I might recommend reaching out to other adults in your life. Trustworthy relatives, teachers, guidance counselors, whoever it might be! Having an adult on your side can make things SIGNIFICANTLY easier!
Best of wishes to you friend!
Edit: Seeing your replies with the other wonderful people posting, I’m definitely going to +2 speaking to other responsible trustworthy adults in your life
I am glad to hear that and I hope it goes well. If you notice you are raising your voice or notice your mom is starting to get made be like “hey I don’t want to fight or yell, can we please take some time to step back?”. Here is a good article that you might be interested in. Also make sure you are pausing before you speak, sometimes a few second pause to help you gather your thoughts is enough to not get mad or raise your voice. With your mom you can’t control her emotions and that is not on you at all, she should know better being the parent but it seems like it is on you as the child to take it upon yourself, which I don’t think it right. Fingers are crossed for you and please let us know how your next conversation goes.
OH yeah, that’s true! I recently cut off my dad (now that I was able to) because he is a bad person. I’m not saying that you need to do that but, from my experience, the general population seems to think that you need a great relationship with both parents. It’s not true
We do like watching Tv or just going out for a drive and talk. 2020 had just changed a lot of that since of course we have to limit ourselves from going outside a lot. It just caused a lot of change and loosing interest in things that we used to enjoy.
Totally understandable! 2020 also made more people on edge and fight, from what I’m aware of.
Well, now is a good time to watch that show you’ve been meaning to watch! I’m not sure if either of you are into this, but you can probably still (safely) go to parks or places to go hiking if you enjoy the outdoors.
Yes, thank you very much! I want to try to speak to her in a different way want to also be able to find new interests that way we aren’t always arguing. I’m not sure if she was struggling with narcissism but I will try to see if she is so I can help her. I have been reaching out to other family members, and my friends helped me by getting their parents to help me out too.
I’m really happy to hear that!
I hope for your sake that she isn’t a narcissist! My dad is (hence the no contact), so I totally get that struggle. The r/raisedbynarcissists subreddit has a lot of information on narcissism if you think that’s something that may help you or you needs to look into.
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