Hiya! Hope everyone is doing well today. We are agitated as always, but we just realized we have more questions than answers that we ask ourselves every day, so we decided to see if anyone could answer our questions.
I’ve noticed one thing I always do, and it’s forgiving people I care about. I make excuses for their mistakes and try to ignore what they did wrong and put it behind me. While it’s healthy to forgive and forget, the thing is they never change. And the next time I deal with them it will just get worse. Because of this, I avoid people and block my empathy for only certain people. I know I have terrible intuition or just high empathy, but either way it causes me to easily get over horrible things people do. What this does to me tho is I tolerate it until I can’t, and then explode, or I tolerate it until the other person goes as fucking far as to convince themselves all their problems are mine and talk shit about me ruin my friendships, take away everything that makes me happy, harrasses me etcetcetc. Because of this, I started fragmenting my mind.
My headmates are better at being wary of people than me, and they have kept bigger eyes on people than I can. Since I’m an emotional cinnomanroll, I cannot easily detect danger when it is there, but even if they can, they still have an issue of what to do about it. Like say if you experience having a shitty coworker or classmate, how does one go about doing what they need to do without forgiving them or hating them? The only cure to empathy is disgust for humanity, but I’m learning when you are working with people all the time, you can’t exactly ignore or hate them, so you just tolerate it. I know that but, I can’t see the difference between tolerate and caring about someone. To me tolerating isn’t an option unless you’re out for revenge or you truly hate them, and after a while of talking to them you see that they somewhat have emotions and it’s hard to hate them for their stupid things since you can read them more. So tolerating just ends up turning into talking which turns into caring. You have to constantly remind yourself that they are bad. But in that essence, wouldn’t you be the bad one? No. I think no one’s evil in that sense, but they are toxic, and that’s the main reason you have to avoid them, but that comes back to my problem. How do you avoid someone you can’t avoid? And, why is this bothering me so much? Ive already learned time and time again that people and inherently shitty, so why is this so difficult to keep remembering? I mean if I was honest and told a shitty person about my life or be open about my personality and identities, they would just call me crazy and treat me like shit. Whereas I’m FUCKING KIND TO THEM, no matter how fucked up they are, which I’m working on stopping now, because when you’re unconditionally kind to them and then blow up on them when they do something that’s too much they think even less of you for whatever reason and think you’re stupid. I don’t understand why people do this, but then again, people are retarded. I lower my bar for humanity every day. And why do I always tend to like people that turn out shitty?
Also I’m getting a psychological evaluation soon. Did my clinical interveiw but since my mom was with me I didn’t open up about the sexual abuse in the past bc I never told her. I’ve just now kinda realized that I’ve been sexually harassed and assualted more times than I can even remember. Thanks to my friend I have come to realize this because I would have never figured this out on my own and I never brought it up with my headmates bc I didn’t think it was a problem. Apparently tolerating a creep for more than over 5 years can actually desensitize you to how fucked up people can be. Who knew! I’m fucking dumb. Didn’t know I was experiencing sexual harassment until my 30yr old mom friend was like “Hunny, that’s sexual harrassment, not even that but just fucking disgusting and creepy.” Ofc I wouldn’t know this bc I’ve never had proper fucking friends. Istg every Gen-Z kid is absolutely fucked up in the head and idk why. Like they’re all fucked up insane psychopathic little freaks. And it’s prolly why my intuition is so fucked bc I grew up thinking it was FUCKING NORMAL.
But yea, if anyone can explain to me wtf to do I’ll be happy to listen. Got work tomorrow and don’t wanna deal with this shit yet again. Like srsly wtf humanity wtf did we ever do to you. I hate being here. Humans suck.