Advice to heal a relationship

Me and my boyfriend will be together nine months this month. We live together as well. I know I know I have a lot of faults (I have chronic pain, I can be a bitch for no reason, or just a downer I’m working on it) but my boyfriend struggles with major insecurity and can’t find value in himself. I love him to death. He’s everything I’ve wanted and needed in a man. I’m not ready to let him go by any means. He has recovered from bad coping skills with alcohol but lately he has saught out attention from other women. He never talked to another woman or even made any indication of cheating just that he wants the attention. I can lack in giving him that attention, especially on a bad week of pain for me. But none of this excuses his behavior. Do I believe he would cheat on me? absolutely not. Does he need to work on himself? Absolutely. He knows I can’t take much more and we are setting boundaries and working on that. I’m just needing someone else that has gone through something like this or can relate in some way to give me some advice.

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That’s hard to do when we live together. He is gone most of the time and we don’t text much when he is gone. So it does do us some good to think about everything.

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Hi friend,

I can relate to this on a lot of levels. As someone who fights chronic pain, as someone who has a lot of mental health issues that have really played a part in my attitude and mindset and as a person who was with someone that had some issues that was impacting our relationship in regards to attention and communication.

I have always been very big with communication in relationships. Romantic and friendship. Talking about what is going on before things have a chance to escalate and being open to one another.

My ex husband had this struggle with communication from early on. He had a lot of issues that he needed to work through that really affected us. He had some female friends, from work that he would confide in. It was hurtful a lot of the time that he couldn’t work on the things within our relationship but he would turn to these other women in ways he couldn’t with me. I believe it’s healthy to have friends outside the marriage but it hurt me it was in ways that he couldn’t even open up to me. It hurt me that he sought out attention and validation from other women to make himself feel better or on Facebook that left me feeling really confused and publicly embarrassed even if not intentional. Just that he was exposing things on media and to others that obviously were about us when I’m more private when it comes to relationship stuff. Inviting 3rd parties in can be scary if not done right.

I can’t relate to your situation exactly as it is. There are some differences. But I can relate to the emotions and feelings that come with it.

Honestly, talking is the biggest thing. Putting the relationship first. Making sure you’re not acting in ways that potentially could hurt the relationship. Not going to others in areas you need to go to your significant other. It is okay to have friends. It is okay to talk to others. That can be healthy. But also being aware of your relationship and how your actions can impact your partner and relationship.

It sounds like you guys already have some trust in place. That’s good. And you have awareness on what you yourself need to work on and what the issue is. That is also good. Primarily communication. I can’t express that enough. Communication. Sounds like you’ve set some boundaries. This is a good start.

It’s good to reach out for help and healthy advice. But also being very selective about who you invite into your relationship issues. Making sure who you talk to can be trusted to give sound healthy advice and not feed negative emotions to either side.

I’m not sure how helpful this is. I just understand some of these struggles. Every relationship is different in how they handle their struggles but I hope for you that you’re able to find a way that is healthy and good for you to resolve whatever you guys are going through.

My current partner and I agreed to always be open and upfront with each other. To talk it out. To put each other first and never let anyone or anything come between us. And we’ve done well with sticking to that and it has helped a lot. We haven’t been together the whole time but we’ve lived together for over 3 years. In fact sometimes to keep our relationship strong there was a couple times he came in and spoke to my therapist with me.

Would talking to a therapist together be beneficial to you?

Anyway, this is getting long and I don’t want to over speak where it’s not helpful. And I’m not entirely sure how exactly you want feedback and where. So I’m going to cut here but if you want to talk about it a little more you are welcome to do so, here or privately to help us better understand how to help or encourage you.

I sincerely hope things get better friend.

  • Kitty