It sounds like you’re afraid to feel secure because there’s a chance the feelings of others toward you may change. The fear is heightened because of the PTSD. Humans need and thrive on attention. It’s not an issue of addiction, or maybe it is, in the same way as being addicted to oxygen. That doesn’t mean you can’t survive without others for a while, but the craving for attention is understandable. Not everyone can have physically present friends. It’s just a sad fact. If you have a few, you’re fortunate.
There’s a lot to be said for having faith in your friendships, even when those people are absent for one reason or another. Your friends want you to have faith in them. Friends may come and go, but the investment of faith is still worth it, as it strengthens the friendships that remain, and honors those friends.
Trust yourself to be a faithful friend, because I believe you are. Your friendship is a solid and reliable asset to others. Somehow, your PTSD thoughts have led you away from this absolute truth. While worrying about losing friends, you’ve forgotten to be your own friend. There’s no doubt that being your own friend makes you a better friend to others. It helps with empathy and anticipating the needs of others. You mentioned not being responsible enough with yourself. I suspect that relates to not having nurtured a compassionate relationship with yourself. You definitely owe yourself kindness.
Intrusive thoughts suck, but they’re just thoughts, which will pass, just as clouds do. You can think of nightmares the same way.
Are you working with a medical doctor only? If so, ask for a referral to a therapist or psychiatrist who can help you with the PTSD.
Modify your diet in very small increments, for example a spoonful or so every week. Your body will adjust without overwhelming cravings. Exercise triggers the release of “feel good” hormones in the brain. It will also lower your blood sugar. You might be surprised to find out that exercise leads to having more energy. If emotions trigger eating more than you should, find another activity that redirects those emotions.
15 years ago, my HgbA1C had me in the diabetic range. My blood pressure was too high. I was 100lbs overweight. I could walk about a block before being out of breath. I was a yo yo dieter most of my life, always losing and regaining a ton of weight. I’d stop eating, or eat ridiculously small amounts, then I’d fall back into the old eating patterns that led to weight gain. From my earliest memory, I was an emotional eater. It was my go to method to take my mind off my terrible circumstances.
Anyway, 15 years ago, I started making very small changes in my diet and exercise, like adding an extra 100 feet or so to my walking routine, and reducing my portions a little at a time. It’s interesting that after a while, smaller amounts of food was more satisfying than the larger portions I ate in the past. I think it has to do with not stretching the stomach so much. I think the angry kind of hunger most often occurs as the stomach is emptying a large amount of food. In other words, once it’s stuffed, it wants to continue feeling that way, and will complain a lot if you let it shrink.
I went to extremes with exercise for a while, just to see if I could. I was up to a ten mile run, but backed off the running because I want my knees to last. I’ve had arthritis since childhood, and I put up with a lot of pain, but it gradually improved.
I also came to realize I needed to ignore the prescribed amount of calories I should take in. I found that my body is perfectly happy with less than 1500 calories daily. According to the recommended intake, I should’ve lost enough weight to have disappeared entirely by now. I am on the slender side, but I also found that it wasn’t comfortable trying to maintain weight in the “medium” range. When I tried that, I still kept on gaining and losing, although it wasn’t as extreme as it used to be.
Researchers have extended the life of lab mice by 50% by having them on a reduced calorie diet. Hence, maybe I’ll live longer from having reduced calories for the past 15 years.
My weight has remained ± 5lbs all these years. My size 32 pants remain a bit loose. My HgbA1C has been well within the normal range for all this time. My blood pressure has been great.
I’m not suggesting you should approach your diet exactly as I have. However, the point of relating my history is just to let you know that it’s possible for you to reinvent yourself if you wish.
It’s also perfectly okay to love yourself as you are. In fact that self-love is what empowers you to make changes or appreciate yourself just as you are.
Thank you for sharing your feelings here. It takes courage to do that.