Afraid to give it all

[TerrifiedToGiveItAll]

I’m a fuck up, it’s just that plain and simple and I really see no way around it. I don’t even remember the last time I looked at something meaningful in my life and thought “Yeah, I am proud of that”. And I like to think I’m not giving it all, I like to think that I’m a slacker that there is this some sort of weird hidden potential within me that would allow me to actually be something other than a useless piece of garbage but the more I try the more it feels like that isn’t the case.
Everytime I try just a bit more, find it isn’t enough and tell myself in my own head even louder “No, this isn’t your all, it can’t be your all you’re just fucking lazy and stupid.”

But I’m afraid to actually give it my all, the idea that I did all I had and fucked up, then what? I’m not enough, I did everything I could and fucked up, I’m worthless. Look at all those people giving it their all, getting to NASA, winning Nobel prizes and shit, am I really that much of a fuckup that I, not even asking that, can’t reach a life of content and normalcy? I’ve given up dreaming big, I’ve accepted dreaming big is for the people who are actually competent. I don’t wanna look at my life and say “This is the fucking best ever.”

I just want to feel happy. To at least for a moment look at everything and say “This is ok, I am happy, I am content.”

[SheetMetalHead]

Hey, first off welcome to Heart Support! You came to the right place.

You’re not alone being afraid to give it your all. I and some others on here have figured out we’re afraid of success, for exactly the reasons you described. It’s easy if you know you’re gonna fail, but if you take a risk that will either pay off big or be a big flop, that’s scary. What if you give it everything you’ve got and don’t get your happy ending? Or even scarier, what if you do? What does a Nobel prize winner do next? What does that kind of life even look like?

I know that doesn’t give you solutions, but I do want to say I understand exactly where you’re coming from. What I can say to try to answer you, is I’ve recently been making peace and meeting myself where I’m at. New meds, good counseling, good life circumstances, blah blah. I don’t feel like I’ve done anything proactive for this breakthrough, but here I am. I’m not worried about my success tomorrow, I’m just trying to do well today. That’s where I’ve found my happiness and contentedness.

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”