I don’t really know what to say in this post if I’m honest.
I guess I can just get straight to the main point… I relapsed.
In August this year I would have been 3 years clean, however, last week I relapsed on opiates… Originally, I had just taken the recommended dose because I had a migraine and was in more pain than I have ever been in, and needed to just get through to the next day when I could contact my doctor. Once that migraine passed, I told myself I wouldn’t use them anymore because I knew that meant relapsing… However, I started using those same painkillers for minor pain. At that point, I knew that I was in a relapse.
Knowing that I had just broken my clean time of nearly 3 years, it was no longer about pain relief, it was about making my relapse “worthwhile”. Only relapsing for 1 day after that long of being abstinent felt like I’d just thrown away all that clean time for nothing, so to make it feel more like the relapse was “worth it” I continued to use for a few more days.
My plan was originally to finish the pills that I had and then work on getting clean again.
I lost my best friend and a friend I’d worked with for more than 6 years both to suicide, both within less than a year of each other. I was trying to mask the grief that I was feeling, because I was truly feeling what felt like double the grief and it became too much to handle.
I can’t afford to be in therapy right now, and the free services have wait lists of 8 months+, so using felt like the only way out. I can’t seem to get past 24 hours clean right now. I’m sorry to all of you that were rooting for me for the past almost 3 years.