AHHH I cant do this anymore

THIS HAPPEN YESTERDAY:My classes was going well but then end the day coming around (around 2:30 we don’t get out still 3:45) the teacher bring up mail list and she told me that I had mail (I never get mail) I started freaking out and almost having panic attack because I though my abusive father senting me mail because he has before and I wasn’t expecting any mail I told staff I was freaking out but she didn’t help me calm me down so I want doing what I was doing before this happen after that was done I sit down started writing in my journal to help me calm down the whole time waiting for school to end i was freaking out and all think about what was the mail when school ended I want to the dorms go get my mail but it wasn’t there so I ask the RA where the mail they said that it will not get here 6pm because its at the other office has it so I explain I need see I walk over and ask for my mail the staff said no “I need sign for it in the RA office” so he walk back with me and give the RA the mail then the RA give it to me I found out that it was just a college giving me info on a program i’m looking at then so want to my room listen to music still dinner then
when dinner come alone I walk into cafe with my friend freaking out because she spilled her drink on the floor anyone was quiet I said out loud "that look like blood then I keep staring at it because it start freaking me out also "my friend deal with self harm " we both freaking out we had other friends with us so they were trying calm her down so I left before because I couldn’t keep my eyes off it so again i want back into my room and listen to music and stuff then almost 9:00 at night I want to smoking area people were there I just wanted be left alone but they said Hi and started talking to me I was smoking my cigs and my friend’s BF come over and hit my cig on purpose and made me drop it I freak out started pushing him because i was upset already and freak out on him yelling “DONT EVER TOUCH MY CIG AGAIN” he said sorry so I said ok then walk back to the dorm upset started breaking down because THAT A SIDE OF ME THAT HAVN’T SEEN since I was younger and dealing with more of my dad abuse I walk to the office where the security office is and My security office friend was there I explain what happened and he try to calm me down by time we were done talking it was time for curfew and people who did chorus come out and was doing what they needed to do my friend from earlier who freak out during dinner saw me I was going upstairs and I ask her can I hug her she said yes and ask me what wrong i explain what happen and starting crying on her while she was hugging me (that crying felt good) she really helped calm me down I want into my room while walking down the hall many time people ask me if im ok I said I’m FINE but i’m not i want to my room put music on and try to stay away from my self harm urge

TODAY:I’m in a really bad mood where I don’t wanna be touched/I dont wanna talk I just wanna be left alone last time had this bad of a mood it was when I was sent to the hospital because I threat to kill myself and totally shut down and wouldn’t talk to anyone

1 Like

@Jaceofspade I’m sorry you are not doing good. I have nothing to say to cheer you up. Thank you for sharing though.

Thanks… i think hmmm