Alcohol is the one thing saving my life

Aware of the judgement that will come towards me, i feel like i need to tell this someone, even if complete strangers.

Over 30 male, with a whole life of waste, a bunch of meaningless achievements [like most of it]. No family, no friends (socially unfitting) and basically with books as stories to tell, nothing else. A buncha money i throw away cause i couldn’t give a shit anymore for it; a bunch of women i disregard because of the pathetic conversations; a bunch of potential friends i disregard for the same f.ing reason.

One might ask: well, how come you can go for so long with such a pathetic life? And the answer, as by now you might guess, alcohol.

I don’t like drinking, and this is the incongruity of the whole shitty situation, i don’t like the taste, i don’t like how it feels the next day, etc. But hell, it is the one thing that makes me stop thinking of ending my own life every single day. How is it, people, that you get to this situation? How is it that you need some artificial substance for you to bear the weight of living? If only i knew…

But oh well, artificial or not, the feeling of satisfaction is one of a kind, boy how i know that by now. The self-imposed seclusion is almost justified; it feels, sometimes, like the great bright light people talk about.

That fact that i’m typing this in a site where you are supposed to be helped is what puzzles me, it almost feels like something deep is begging for help, and yet it also feels like this matter of the drink is saving my life, as a last venture, some small pieces of delight and resistance. If saving my life is a good thing is a whole other story, but it does seem like i am talking like a whole damn selfish kind, though i ought to think at some point i will deserve the selfishness. We all deserve some moments of gratification, hopefully.

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Welcome to HeratSupport. You’re safe here.

You know as well as anyone that what you’re going through is disordered. It shouldn’t be this way. You’ve also hit right at the crux of why people drink heavily, which is really interesting to me. Most people have to go through weeks or months of recovery to realize what you seem to already know–that they drink to stave off the emptiness and sadness.

Drinking to cope is like hanging onto a lifeline of barbed wire. You don’t like it, it feel awful, but it’s all that’s keeping you out of the abyss. Unfortunately, barring the occasional massive breakthrough, there are no shortcuts from emotional dependence on (insert vice here) to inner peace. You have to let go, plunge into the abyss, and start swimming.

Sure. We all deserve to treat ourselves. Where it becomes disordered is when the treat is all that’s keeping us afloat. Ice cream after a hard day of working outside, a productive work week, or occasionally just because is awesome. Ice cream as subsistence because you don’t want anything else, because you count on it to boost your happiness, is problematic.

What I’m hearing here is that your life has become unmanageable without alcohol, and you’re unable to stop on your own, as much as you want to. Is that a decent summary? If so, congratulations, you’ve completed Step One. I’d encourage you to check out an AA meeting. You don’t have to commit to anything, you don’t even have to say anything, just go sit in on one. Alcohol doesn’t discriminate. People of all socioeconomic backgrounds are facing the same struggle you are. Your stories are all unique, but the theme is the same: alcohol is the only thing keeping you stable in a world of chaos and despair.

In any case, thank you for sharing your story here. You are not as alone as you think–whether in this forum, your community, or the world at large. If you take nothing else away from this, know that your story is something people can relate to, and will absolutely help other people who are wrestling with the same double bind you are–to open up to strangers and put your doubts and fears in writing, or to keep it to yourself and hold out for a better tomorrow you know deep down won’t come.

P.S. if this sounds baselessly preachy, I’ll just share a little about me. I’m currently in recovery for porn addiction. It took me a long time to realize the truths you wrote in your post, but I’ve come to see that the dopamine spike from porn consumption was something I depended on to make life a little less shitty for a bit. Just one hit at a time to cope for a little while, only it never stopped, and my marriage and work performance were the collateral damage. Our poisons are different, but our reasons for overindulging are similar.

Feel free to keep reaching out here. Hold fast :hrtlegolove:

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Hi Drunkyard, that is a candid admission; thank you for sharing.

When in the grips of substance addiction, it can feel like your only true friend. Somebody who is always there for you and never lets you down. A lovely welcome at the end of another challenging day. Saying goodbye to that friend will be the hardest thing you ever do, but if you ever want to move forward, you must do it. The ‘something deep, begging for help’ is you, buried deep within and shouting to be set free.

Leaving that friend can also leave you all alone, so you will need to surround yourself with new people with your best interests at heart. Having shed all of your former relationships in favour of your addiction, this is a challenging undertaking. Start with a professional who can help you plan how to move forward. Be choosy; you won’t necessarily match with the right therapist the first time. It took me three attempts. Most importantly, you must commit to your sobriety and find a new life to fill the massive hole left behind.

Push yourself to seek out new relationships; you only need to make one new friend. I found somebody at work with a similar interest and built on that. Start accepting invitations that your head is telling you to turn down. With some hard work, you will eventually find that you have become part of a new social group.

Your affection for your addiction is not reciprocated. You can only get that by making real human connections again.

Heart support is always here for you.

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The connection is wrong. I don’t feel bad when i cut alcohol out of an addiction, i’ve felt bad my whole life and the alcohol brought some kind of joy back. Temporary? Yes, temporary, but a small piece of something good is better than no good at all.

Stability is no problem when it comes to utilitarianism in my life, i’ve been what most would call stable since i can remember: i can keep a job, i have a house, i own a car, i have what a stable person is supposed to have. When it comes to aim or vision is where the thing goes down. Obviously people don’t see it, and i don’t want them to, it’s ridiculous for a grown man to show this behavior or this kind of fragility, except through anonymity, therefore, here i am.

Back to the alcohol: i started drinking at 27, out of rage one night. Those same deteriorating nights and days of pure anguish, and i thought: you hardly see a sad drunk. I went and bought myself a whiskey and started drinking, and since then at least my nights are filled with a mystifying glow. Not a genuine happiness, as you certainly know the feeling of alcohol, but something nevertheless. Concluding: it is the opposite of what you said, my life is only manageable with alcohol, for without it i have zero moments of worth.

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I think the same answer i gave to “SheetMetalHead” would apply perfectly.

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Why are you drinking now, today?
Is it to dull the pain, to dull the thoughts, or because tou have nothing else of value to actually do?

When last did you have a good meal? A good conversation with someone? Did something for fun sober?

IS the alcohol keeping you alive ornis it keeping your emotions and thoughts dulled so that you dint feel the pain or sadness or whatever else is going on?

Men can show fragility and vulnerability. Men can cry and ask for help. Men can seekbout therapy and heal from old wounds and get help for illnesses and disorders.

Is there something else going on that youre trying to escape or run from?

Hi Drunkyard.

Your behaviour isn’t ridiculous. I was a functioning addict for over 20 years. I had what you described; the job; the car; the house, but I was still an addict. I had convinced myself that my life was better with my addiction, not worse. I am four years free of that addiction, and life has improved.

Some crutches work, but wouldn’t it be better to walk freely?

HeartSupport is always here for you.

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Well, to dull the thoughts is a thing we all do, either through alcohol, social media, work, sex, date, travel, etc. The one difference os that alcohol is the only one that works for me.

It is to fool the sadness, certainly, for all of us. The restleness of our soul seems to crave for these things, ‘you study, get a job, get money, get a wife, get some children, get your children a good life, get old, get love from your children so they will care for you before you die, and then, die.’

That is what life is all about, right? For most of us, that’s it. For some, specially at our times: it’s being free of whatever they think they’re freeing themselves, travel, use some drugs, have sex with thousands of people around the globe, and then they too, die, as nothing.

Either the first or the second choice, will it feel your soul? No, i’m guessing. What will? Probably nothing. What you can do is what you said: to dull the thoughts. Alcohol and the other things. I will agree that being able to dull through multiple things like those i said must be a great privilege, one that most people have [and still a privilege] - either with or without alcohol -, just not my case.

We could also… Go to therapy and give voice to the thoughts in a safe space with a trained professional and work through those thoughts.

Life can also have good thoughts, peaceful thoughts.

Do you think that that could be something that would aid you in dealing with these thoughts?

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Hi Drunkyard,
thank you so much for reaching out, Welcome to Heart Support.
you did a strong step here, to reach out, to speak about what are your worries. this is often the hardest and also the
most difficult step to take.
life has more to offer, life can be beautiful in so many ways.
we all wish you to be strong to get through this, our thoughts are with you. keep coming back to us and talk about
your progress you will be doing, keep us updated. you are loved my friend and you matter most :purple_heart:
feel hugged

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Hi Friend,
I just noticed that this is your first time posting here. Welcome to Heart Support!
I’m so glad that you posted here. There are so many incredibly kind and supportive people here.
It’s my hope for you that you will eventually (when you’re ready) seek help for your addiction. I hope that you will keep us posted here on your progress. We’re here for you every step of the way!

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Friend welcome to Heartsupport and thank you so much for sharing your story here with us, I hope that we can help to support you and that you feel heard whilst you decide how to move forward with your life, you are so welcome here and anytime you need anything please ask. Much Love Lisa. x

Hey there @Drunkyard,

Thank you for sharing all of this and being very open about it. Even though you’re unsure why you’ve ended up posting here, I’m personally glad you did. Just because opening a door to our personal world is a strong experience that can lead to new perspectives, even though it can feel confronting at times. I would imagine that the conversations we can have here bring its share of emotions to you, and I hope you know that this is a safe space no matter what. Always.

One might ask: well, how come you can go for so long with such a pathetic life? And the answer, as by now you might guess, alcohol.

The connection is wrong. I don’t feel bad when i cut alcohol out of an addiction, i’ve felt bad my whole life and the alcohol brought some kind of joy back. Temporary? Yes, temporary, but a small piece of something good is better than no good at all.

Which makes sense. if you are given on one hand something that doesn’t seem to have any flavor, any taste, any density, and produce no excitement, then it’s completely human to favor what’s on the other hand: temporary joy and relief.

I don’t know if this would resonate with you in any way, but reading your words has made me reflect on my own experience of clinical depression, which has been for the most part to feel as if the world and my entire life were lacking of something. And not the kind of something that would make it all just better, but a something missing at a core level. You have mentioned this “mystifying glow” when your nights are filled with alcohol, and these two words are so very well chosen to describe it.

I have never struggled with alcohol myself, although did fell into addictive behaviors with other substances and behaviors. Two of these were self-harm and food, and just like you with alcohol I didn’t even enjoy it. I didn’t like the pain it created. But f*ck, it made me feel *alive. It wasn’t bringing any pleasure. It was adding, in some way, an intensity of life that did not exist the rest of the time. It wasn’t a way to feel happy, but certainly a way to feel alive. Compared to the numbness and nothingness that we can experience for multiple reasons, having the possibility to feel something, even if it’s at the cost of our well-being or health, feels somehow better than nothing at all.

The call for this mystifying glow has been present in my life over and over, especially at night – it is a time when we’re alone with ourselves, and that alone can be hardly bearable when most of our individual experiences feel dull, empty, worthless. It makes sense to think that your life would be nothing without alcohol, that without it you are only condemned to function, not to exist – if your life experiences have felt empty and/or worthless most of the time, then where is the proof for you that something different would be possible?

I’m not a doctor/MH professional and I don’t know your personal story. I don’t know why it is present in your life at a psychological level. But from one human being to another, I deeply relate to what you have described, and how deep this need for something (anything), is. It is profoundly human to not want to just function in life, but to also exist. Without a sense of inner spark, how is one supposed to carry on?

The trap being that alcohol is a solution in disguise, a renewed temporary mystifying glow that provides a fix, like a band-aid on an open wound. I don’t know you, but I do know that you deserve better than this. That you deserve to have the possibility to embrace the fullness of life without it relying on an external object or substance, as it can only become the one that dictates your life, and not the opposite. This may be the oxygen mask that you’ve been needing to survive so far – and I’m grateful that you did survive. But also echoing this part of you that brought you here: there has to be more than this.

That fact that i’m typing this in a site where you are supposed to be helped is what puzzles me, it almost feels like something deep is begging for help, and yet it also feels like this matter of the drink is saving my life, as a last venture, some small pieces of delight and resistance.

There are both these parts of you that are present through your messages here – parts that are probably fighting each other at times, especially while going back and forth to the responses you receive here, but that is okay – and I want to acknowledge the bravery of this “simple” (yet complex) act of even having this conversation right now.

Yes, it is possible that alcohol has been saving your life so far as it has given you something that you haven’t found yet without it in your life. But also: yes, you are not here by mistake, you didn’t post by mistake, and there is very certainly a part of you that believes and somehow knows that life could be different. You may have seen it in others life, even though it may appear as a mystery for now regarding how it works. Life can be different not out of magic or thanks to a change happening in an instant, of course, and you know that very well already. But as the fruit of personal commitment and accountability towards healing – which doesn’t equal to only recover from a possible addiction, but to also work on finding this spark that has been missing in your life at the same time, to potentially face wounds that have yet to be uncovered too. Which is scary, controversial, confronting… after all it’s deep work we’re talking about here. But for what it’s worth from a stranger like me, I can assure you that life is not meant to be either about functioning the way we’re supposed to, or about being subjected to something that gives us a sense of depth. When I first started to take an antidepressant, for example, my biggest fear was about this: losing the “lows” of when I would feel so very deeply sad, heartbroken, because as painful as it was it was still reminding me that I was alive. I preferred being a wreck than finding stability because stability as it looked like in other people’s life was synonym of inner death to me. I was really afraid of having to give up on the things that were not making feel like an empty shell going through the motions on a daily basis, as I knew that this would make me more determined to end myself.

You deserve more. You deserve better. I don’t know if you ever heard this before, but you really do.

You are not ridiculous for expressing yourself, opening up and being honest about all of this. What is a shame is that these conversations are not more enabled in our societies and cultures. Before being a grown man with all the expectations that it implies socially speaking, you are a human being with a heart, essential needs, emotions to process and express. And being essentially human is nothing to be ashamed for. Being vulnerable holds a lot of strength. It’s pretending that everything is okay that leads us to hitting a wall most of the time.

I’m grateful you posted here as it allows us to also speak to this part of you that isn’t controlled by alcohol, that still gives the benefit of the doubt. It is a very special honor and privilege. Thank you for being here. :hrtlegolove:

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I cannot express enough gratitude on your reply, honestly. Its refreshing to read a description that links up perfectly with a thought process you think to be exclusively inside you. Regardless of my agreement or not, the simple fact that we share on such extent already feels comforting.

It could be different, but i don’t know which moment of my life lead to this, if something i did or simply the traits i was born with, which won’t intersect the circumstances of the regular life - that does happen with a lot of people, some with bigger effects than others. I wonder, though, how is it i would accept a different life? Any path is a way to ‘dull the thoughts’ (as Sita said), and this simple perception is a wall, something that will blather on your brain reminding you of the uselessness at the root of it all. A usefulness on the dreary of subsisting, but still useless on essence, for the same reasons i said before: you do all these steps for you to die as a way of sedating yourself from introspection and complete apathy. This whole acknowledgment seems to be a road with no turning back, it’s gonna be there forever stopping you from any optimistic view of things, or even a non-tragic realistic view, which would be okay as well even if not optimistic (considering meaninglessness as a tragedy).

From observation i must agree, it is not supposed to and it does comply in most cases: a life without contemplation and happiness, be that shallow or not. It’s not for everyone though, it never was, the calamity of the brain can be seen in so many books going from before Christ to late 20th century. And those were only the people who wrote something, which already seem a lot, but we must count the thousands (maybe millions) who never wrote a thing and spent all of their days in full despair, or simply drinking rum/whiskey all day so they could bear. What i’m trying to say is, some traits are not meant to have the good moments, some are doomed to this dread we go through - specially if they got to a point of no return, when everything became pointless in depth and becomes a spiral, a loop from the futility of starting something to the futility of projecting the end of this something, one that will just cut the thirst from the source and scream to you: DON’T START AT ALL!
The dopamine must be a self-defence mechanism for this, nature’s way to tell “escape the whole thinking shit, it’s not worthed”.

As an example, i will mention something i’ve done for years that, for what its worth, made me forget the whole vacuum i’m talking about, while it lasted. I used to write a lot, from my 18 to about 26 (not in english), and i did that after reading about Fernando Pessoa (a portuguese writer) who had this restlessness on his soul that, from what was noticed, ate him alive. So he wrote, and did it for his whole life, wrote for delight, for a way of putting his misery into words, which worked perfectly: not only he achieved recognition from his work, but most importantly, he felt proud of what his habilities and with a very effective way to stale the cynicism. I tried as well, without the brain of that man, of course, but it was always for myself, i wrote of anguish, short stories that i would read countlessly, some that i would write without ever re-reading, just putting out the words. At some point i was full of things written, even a whole big story that i decided to read for the first time (because i wrote without the editing), and in the end i just shook my head and threw it away. That was not because it was bad (though it was not good at all), but simply because there was no point. Why is it that i thought there was no point? After so many years (and that’s why i called my life a waste since the beginning)? For the same reason i described before: i already know, deep down, at the root of everything, that it doesn’t matter. Temporality is not a thing we should be conscious of, this is nature’s great mistake. Anything i ever do will be erased with my death, since erasing will be seen exclusively from my perspective, i will not take these things to eternity, i will not carry it with me in a coffin. Right after this frustration on the whole time i spent writing crap that nobody would read [and that would be trivial if it was read] is when i started thinking of short term solutions, the ‘forced dullness of thinking’, the ones that would not involve the whole process of changing this absurd loop that goes inside me, and alcohol came up eventually.

Well, i think i’ve wrote enough. I must reinforce the perceptiveness of your reply, really beautiful, thank you very much.

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For what its worth, seven people have read and replied to your words, we have been so moved by your post thay we felt compelled and motivated to reply to you. Many more have read it, seen it. Seen you.

So, your words today have not been lost. They have impact, and weight. You’re a skilled writer, and i’m glad you’re here with us.

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Its refreshing to read a description that links up perfectly with a thought process you think to be exclusively inside you. Regardless of my agreement or not, the simple fact that we share on such extent already feels comforting.

You know, the very first description of this forum is: “Where your story is unique but your struggles are not”. There is comfort to find in connecting with others at an emotional level, even though the path that led each one of us to that point is always completely unique. One of the curse that the mind tends to add is to put ourselves in some kind of solitary confinement when it comes to our thoughts and emotions. The risk being to start internalizing it and believing that the problem is us personally… while it’s more often than not about life circumstances, whether they are present or echoing from our past.

You make these connections possible by opening up. Thank you.

It could be different, but i don’t know which moment of my life lead to this, if something i did or simply the traits i was born with, which won’t intersect the circumstances of the regular life

Some would call it hope, resilience, perseverance, strength, faith… ultimately, it is present in you. And even though why it is there may remain a mystery for you, I believe it is something to cherish and honor regardless. Sometimes, knowing why isn’t necessary, or at least it may not be the right time to identify it. Ultimately, one question that shouldn’t be overshadowed is: how will you deal with it in the present moment? Will you give it attention and importance? Will you push it away?

A usefulness on the dreary of subsisting, but still useless on essence, for the same reasons i said before: you do all these steps for you to die as a way of sedating yourself from introspection and complete apathy. This whole acknowledgment seems to be a road with no turning back, it’s gonna be there forever stopping you from any optimistic view of things, or even a non-tragic realistic view, which would be okay as well even if not optimistic (considering meaninglessness as a tragedy).

Yes, a very realistic view over life can make us see and feel it as completely meaningless. In the grand scheme of things, we are nothing. And it’s not as if you could suddenly decide to forget this personal awareness. It’s too important to be ignored. And you’re also right: a lot of people go through the motions of life, feeling that way without ever mentioning it. A psychologist would tell you that it’s often the case for people who are said “gifted” and prone to reflect on themselves, ask themselves questions regarding the meaning of life more often than others.

However, it’s also true on the opposite side. People also manage to embrace life, give and receive as much as they can during the time they have, while having this awareness that it is meant to disappear. Unfortunately there is no unique recipe to find this fulfillment, as it is a very personal “quest” to find meaning or purpose, which sometimes starts by the very beginning: seeing our personal journey and how come we feel the way we do in the present moment.

If I may ask, if you could imagine your life as being fulfilling, what would it look like to you, practically? How could you depict yourself? Any first thought that appear, without the layers of added thoughts that the brain immediately creates (all the what if’s, all the “it’s not worth it”, all the “it’s not possible” – these can be pushed away for now, let’s dream for a minute).

What i’m trying to say is, some traits are not meant to have the good moments, some are doomed to this dread we go through - specially if they got to a point of no return, when everything became pointless in depth and becomes a spiral, a loop from the futility of starting something to the futility of projecting the end of this something, one that will just cut the thirst from the source and scream to you: DON’T START AT ALL!

Not so long ago, my therapist asked me this question during a conversation, almost out of the blue: “do you want to live?”. My inner reaction was: “duh! Otherwise I wouldn’t be here”. But also, an other immediate thought I had was: “am I allowed to live?”, while another “rebel” part of me was screaming “I freaking want to live”. I was shocked because it wasn’t much about my biology, my genes or personality – which I thought for most of my life as no one was there to tell me that I was not the problem. It was a lot more about fear as a result of my story.

We talked a lot about how much between highs and lows I can go through, I can go very deep in the lows until hitting rock bottom, then trying to get up again… but only to remain at the surface. If life was an ocean, mine would have been most of the time about diving in and swimming at the surface. But as far as I remember, I don’t know how it feels to be on a boat and not having to worry about swimming anymore. I knew it, when I was a kid and despite adversity, but how to regain this sense of spontaneity again? Over the years, and by simplifying everything more and more in my life (and my mind), I’ve got to experience this as momentary sparks here and there. There has been progress, but it is for sure a slow and patient work.

Listening to this voice that says “don’t start at all!” is reassuring, even though you know it’s not really serving you in the long run. It only makes life something to watch from the passenger side. Which can be seen, in itself, as a tragedy, or something that creates even more anguish. Living is, by definition, taking a risk and choosing to compose with what we have despite our limitations. But the constant realization that we are meant to disappear can also be, in itself, paralyzing and lead us to sabotage ourselves.

Thoreau expressed this anguish through the way he led his life, and wrote it very well: “I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practise resignation, unless it was quite necessary.

“Don’t start at all” is this voice that desperately tries to protect us from pain, disappointment, hurt. It has a legitimate function and it makes sense why it is present. But this voice can also be against our best interests, depending on what it’s applied to. If it helps in the moment and bring safety, it also only lead to immobility in face of life, it leads to not living at all. On one hand, you know that listening to it will lead you to nothingness. On the other hand, choosing life appears as a mystery, a door to the unknown to open, but one that we know can lead to bigger experiences, strong feelings, memories to create – ones that can be aligned with who we truly are, and not who we are expected to be.

What are some of your personal values/ethics? Things that are really tied to your core, to you as a person.

Right after this frustration on the whole time i spent writing crap that nobody would read [and that would be trivial if it was read] is when i started thinking of short term solutions, the ‘forced dullness of thinking’, the ones that would not involve the whole process of changing this absurd loop that goes inside me, and alcohol came up eventually.

Do you remember how you felt when you were writing? At an emotional (eventually physical) level, not intellectually speaking. How were you feeling during the process of writing, before you have hit this wall of “it’s leading to nothing, therefore it’s pointless to pursue it”? It’s okay if you don’t remember/don’t have the answer. Just willing to point there, that the example you share speaks a lot and is very important in terms of where your focus is when it comes to embracing life’s experiences.

Appreciate a lot what you shared as well. Thank you for being so honest. Know that everything you say makes perfectly sense. You’re not “crazy”, or “broken” in any way, even though being doomed/condemned may be part of the narrative that you have internalized over time.

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That by itself i would consider an answer for all of my problems. For me to wish for something solves everything, it is afterall the simplistic and yet very effective solution people usually give: find goals. Imagining a context i could yearn is not something i can do, and i have tried. I’ve imagined myself with a family (wife and children): nothing. I imagined myself a millionaire (way back): nothing. I imagined myself as a nobel prize writer: nothing. Had any of these projections given me any theoretical satisfaction (even if almost unreachable) i am sure i would just go for it, restlessly. I fear sometimes you could see me as someone looking for excuses not to do anything, and i’m aware it might seem that way, but i can guarantee i’ve done a whole lotta work around these issues throughout time. No one would choose this kind of state, it would surpass laziness by far. So there was a time, between all those years, that i exercised a lot as a trial, i’ve changed my diet a thousand times, i even started a new graduation at some point (as a test), these things did nothing for me. The exercises i did very diligently for a whole year, for i know it can take a bit time for the body to adjust; and the new graduation i gave up after a month. I’m only saying that as some kind of evidence that i’m not emptily whining over some regular sadness that came at me, it’s a long time thing.

I remember when i read Walden, around 2017 and it seemed at the time so fresh for me (after years of reading the least optimistic Schopenhauer, Camus, Emil Cioran, etc), i was living in a big city and at the time i decided i would go back to a smaller one, countryside. Then i did and things didn’t change much, well, the whole story i’ve told already on why. There is beauty in the world, i would not dare to deny that, specially in nature, and since we’re talking Thoreau, reading him and Emerson still feels like some journey into earth, but it is theoretical, at least it is for me, they COULD connect themselves to earth, their minds are special in their own way.
You mentioned there is a gift on people who can enjoy life and still be aware of it being meaningless, and hell yes, that would be one great gift, but i disagree that you can live happily after having these realisations - they can go on with some simplistic affirmations of the uselessness of life, but not with the pondering that comes from years of looking to a wall and doing nothing but thinking. Even Camus wrote that there was an answer to that and it was absurd. Now, he compared [and hopefully i will recall correctly] this same awareness with the sense of absolute freedom, there is no meaning and therefore no ‘great responsability’, which can only mean we are completely free. The one thing that the eminent philosophers (including Camus himself) dismiss is the inability (of most) to choose the thoughts that will guide our mind. Let’s take anxiety, for example, a big problem in modern society: people are anxious with irrational things, for example, social encounters. You ask one of these people: “What are you afraid of?”, and he/she says: “being rejected!”. Now you ask “what are the practical consequences of being rejected?”, and with patience enough you will make the anxious person realise that there are absolutely no bad consequence, zero risks. Will that solve their problem? Certainly not, at least that’s not what you see in practice, people will still be afraid of social encounters even after knowing it has no bad consequence. Same applies to meaning, you can realise that the fact you have no purpose or meaning is not as tragic as it seems, it frees you, but deep down it still consumes you and inevitably ushers you. That is the part these great philosophers always let aside, they perfectly describe the theoretical answer, but forget that the practical one is no close.

I remember a bit. My idea was to write beautiful and unexpected stories, usually involving subtle epiphanies. They were not optimistic at all, and a lot of those writings were very existential and appalling. So, answering your question, i felt i was challenging myself into doing something impressive. That was, of course, as you mentioned, before this wall came back to questioning even that, even the small adventure of pleasure - because this small adventure uses thoughts. Alcohol is precisely the opposite, it throws the thoughts away, you can feel light for a while.

Thank you again for everything you’ve been saying, even though i am countering some things, a lot of it is unquestionably correct and others are eye-opening. Specially your description about your therapist asking you if you want to live. This must have been interesting, i imagine, because at least for myself, i faithfully believe that the only reason i have never killed myself is out of instinct, the irrational fear that my brain must give me for the survival of the species.

I’ve been wondering, what is it that a therapist will tell you that changes your perspective? I can’t imagine that they could say something to someone as introspective as you seem to be that you would not have thought yourself already - the exact example you said about you wanting to live is something that came only from you, for example.

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Here i am again people, drinking just so i can survive. I’m honestly too old to deal with this shit, i think i’m done.

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Here i am again people, drinking just so i can survive. I’m honestly too old to deal with this shit, i think i’m done.

Hey there – it’s been a couple hours since you posted. Are you safe right now? :heart: