Its refreshing to read a description that links up perfectly with a thought process you think to be exclusively inside you. Regardless of my agreement or not, the simple fact that we share on such extent already feels comforting.
You know, the very first description of this forum is: “Where your story is unique but your struggles are not”. There is comfort to find in connecting with others at an emotional level, even though the path that led each one of us to that point is always completely unique. One of the curse that the mind tends to add is to put ourselves in some kind of solitary confinement when it comes to our thoughts and emotions. The risk being to start internalizing it and believing that the problem is us personally… while it’s more often than not about life circumstances, whether they are present or echoing from our past.
You make these connections possible by opening up. Thank you.
It could be different, but i don’t know which moment of my life lead to this, if something i did or simply the traits i was born with, which won’t intersect the circumstances of the regular life
Some would call it hope, resilience, perseverance, strength, faith… ultimately, it is present in you. And even though why it is there may remain a mystery for you, I believe it is something to cherish and honor regardless. Sometimes, knowing why isn’t necessary, or at least it may not be the right time to identify it. Ultimately, one question that shouldn’t be overshadowed is: how will you deal with it in the present moment? Will you give it attention and importance? Will you push it away?
A usefulness on the dreary of subsisting, but still useless on essence, for the same reasons i said before: you do all these steps for you to die as a way of sedating yourself from introspection and complete apathy. This whole acknowledgment seems to be a road with no turning back, it’s gonna be there forever stopping you from any optimistic view of things, or even a non-tragic realistic view, which would be okay as well even if not optimistic (considering meaninglessness as a tragedy).
Yes, a very realistic view over life can make us see and feel it as completely meaningless. In the grand scheme of things, we are nothing. And it’s not as if you could suddenly decide to forget this personal awareness. It’s too important to be ignored. And you’re also right: a lot of people go through the motions of life, feeling that way without ever mentioning it. A psychologist would tell you that it’s often the case for people who are said “gifted” and prone to reflect on themselves, ask themselves questions regarding the meaning of life more often than others.
However, it’s also true on the opposite side. People also manage to embrace life, give and receive as much as they can during the time they have, while having this awareness that it is meant to disappear. Unfortunately there is no unique recipe to find this fulfillment, as it is a very personal “quest” to find meaning or purpose, which sometimes starts by the very beginning: seeing our personal journey and how come we feel the way we do in the present moment.
If I may ask, if you could imagine your life as being fulfilling, what would it look like to you, practically? How could you depict yourself? Any first thought that appear, without the layers of added thoughts that the brain immediately creates (all the what if’s, all the “it’s not worth it”, all the “it’s not possible” – these can be pushed away for now, let’s dream for a minute).
What i’m trying to say is, some traits are not meant to have the good moments, some are doomed to this dread we go through - specially if they got to a point of no return, when everything became pointless in depth and becomes a spiral, a loop from the futility of starting something to the futility of projecting the end of this something, one that will just cut the thirst from the source and scream to you: DON’T START AT ALL!
Not so long ago, my therapist asked me this question during a conversation, almost out of the blue: “do you want to live?”. My inner reaction was: “duh! Otherwise I wouldn’t be here”. But also, an other immediate thought I had was: “am I allowed to live?”, while another “rebel” part of me was screaming “I freaking want to live”. I was shocked because it wasn’t much about my biology, my genes or personality – which I thought for most of my life as no one was there to tell me that I was not the problem. It was a lot more about fear as a result of my story.
We talked a lot about how much between highs and lows I can go through, I can go very deep in the lows until hitting rock bottom, then trying to get up again… but only to remain at the surface. If life was an ocean, mine would have been most of the time about diving in and swimming at the surface. But as far as I remember, I don’t know how it feels to be on a boat and not having to worry about swimming anymore. I knew it, when I was a kid and despite adversity, but how to regain this sense of spontaneity again? Over the years, and by simplifying everything more and more in my life (and my mind), I’ve got to experience this as momentary sparks here and there. There has been progress, but it is for sure a slow and patient work.
Listening to this voice that says “don’t start at all!” is reassuring, even though you know it’s not really serving you in the long run. It only makes life something to watch from the passenger side. Which can be seen, in itself, as a tragedy, or something that creates even more anguish. Living is, by definition, taking a risk and choosing to compose with what we have despite our limitations. But the constant realization that we are meant to disappear can also be, in itself, paralyzing and lead us to sabotage ourselves.
Thoreau expressed this anguish through the way he led his life, and wrote it very well: “I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practise resignation, unless it was quite necessary.”
“Don’t start at all” is this voice that desperately tries to protect us from pain, disappointment, hurt. It has a legitimate function and it makes sense why it is present. But this voice can also be against our best interests, depending on what it’s applied to. If it helps in the moment and bring safety, it also only lead to immobility in face of life, it leads to not living at all. On one hand, you know that listening to it will lead you to nothingness. On the other hand, choosing life appears as a mystery, a door to the unknown to open, but one that we know can lead to bigger experiences, strong feelings, memories to create – ones that can be aligned with who we truly are, and not who we are expected to be.
What are some of your personal values/ethics? Things that are really tied to your core, to you as a person.
Right after this frustration on the whole time i spent writing crap that nobody would read [and that would be trivial if it was read] is when i started thinking of short term solutions, the ‘forced dullness of thinking’, the ones that would not involve the whole process of changing this absurd loop that goes inside me, and alcohol came up eventually.
Do you remember how you felt when you were writing? At an emotional (eventually physical) level, not intellectually speaking. How were you feeling during the process of writing, before you have hit this wall of “it’s leading to nothing, therefore it’s pointless to pursue it”? It’s okay if you don’t remember/don’t have the answer. Just willing to point there, that the example you share speaks a lot and is very important in terms of where your focus is when it comes to embracing life’s experiences.
Appreciate a lot what you shared as well. Thank you for being so honest. Know that everything you say makes perfectly sense. You’re not “crazy”, or “broken” in any way, even though being doomed/condemned may be part of the narrative that you have internalized over time.