Lately I’ve been getting bad and needing alcohol daily and occasionally weed to get through the day. I keep sober at work and would never compromise my job, but after work, days off ect… it’s starting to be the thing that keeps me appearing like I have emotions and am not apathetic. I become someone else and it’s someone I don’t have control over, but it’s the someone people actually like.
I’m really proud of you for noticing that your substance use is effecting your mood. Sometimes being honest with yourself is the first hurdle to learning and being better.
I know that when times are hard or you’re feeling numb, it’s really easy to fall back on those easy or comfortable coping mechanisms. I can also relate to a feeling of general apathy or feeling disconnected from emotions.
I wonder if you can find some coping skills that reconnect you with your emotions, like listening to music you love, diving into a hobby, trying a new hobby, or even continuing to post here.
I will say that the you on substances and sober you are the same person, and I’m sure people enjoy your company even when you’re not high/drunk. Everyone has something to contribute and those that enjoy their company.
Hold fast friend
Sorry you’re dealing with those feelings. I think you’ve got a great personality and I think your friends enjoy who you are just as you. Not as some dramatised version or some different version, just you.
I hope you find something healthier else that brings you happiness!
My mind is just in a dark place. I’m considering a lot of things right now and maybe more considering the fact that maybe I don’t want to be here as much as I’ve been trying to convince myself I do. As much as other people get hurt, at some point enough is just enough, right?
It does get better, but it also gets worse again. And I don’t know if I want to spend the next however many years riding the mental roller coaster.
Maybe I don’t fully understand how you’re feeling and the thoughts you’re having right now, but you’re still important and can make it out
I don’t have a lot of words right now, but I wanted to take some time today to say that I see you. Here and on stream. I care about you. Even if you mentioned that people seem to appreciate you when alcohol is involved, it’s still a mask that prevents you to be who you are, and to let others appreciate you for your true value. You are not less than anyone else because you’d be apathetic. But I understand the frustration that comes with feeling like you’re far from being the person you want to be. This is a tough season, friend. But people who care about you will always love you for you. Just like you’ve allowed us here to see you, your vulnerable you, this part of yourself that needs safe places and outlets to share this raw expression of their emotions. Your trust, your honesty, your vulnerability are so important and valued.
Do you think there is someone in your life that you could reach out to, and share about the things you’ve been feeling lately? I’d like to encourage you not to stay alone with this. And if not with close relatives, could a therapist be an idea to consider? I remember what you shared about love and not feeling comfortable with receiving affection. A therapist would definitely have a neutral attitude, but still allow yourself to be you in a safe space. Without any judgment. Without making you feel like you’d be a burden or weak for asking for help. It sounds that you’ve been strong on your own for a very long time, friend. It’s okay to change a little bit your strategy and allow others to shoulder this heaviness with you.