All good things must come to an end I guess (TW)

I don’t know why but i always have this burning urge for people to look at me and for people to love me. And I got bad tonight and I feel like killing myself. Like I can’t stop wanting others. Sometimes I get jealous, when I see other people getting the attention I never got and I want to tear my skin off for feeling that way. When those people are so nice to them and they talk to them and enjoy their company. I know it probably feels really good to get that and it just hurts. I don’t want people to love me for one day, I want love and admiration forever. But that’s not possible, I don’t and I never feel wanted by anyone or anything. I feel like a freak of nature, something people use to amuse themselves and then move on.

I feel like isolating myself again as punishment for having a meltdown. It’s not fair
I am completely alone, when I’m not talking to people, when I’m not online, I am completely and utterly by myself. I have no one and nothing. I don’t want to be alone, I hate it so much. And I’ve been so lonely for years, it really gets to me now. So isolated that I don’t even know how to even converse with people. I clam up when people ask to be my friend because once I warm up to them, I won’t want them to leave. I get scared using the friend label sometimes because I always feel like that person won’t even stay or they don’t care about me that much.

I’m tired and I don’t know what to do other than to live in my own mind, my own fantasy world where I don’t feel rejected at all. It’s safe in my head, and i don’t want to leave that world. It’s too painful to leave

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Hey @Amaris,

I’m so sorry that you’ve been hurting that much. You can be sure that you have us here, even if it’s “just” online. We genuinely care about you. We don’t intend to leave.

Are you safe where you are right now? :hrtlegolove:

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Hi amaris :wave:
I am sorry you are feeling so lonely and unloved. You are not a freak. You are a human. Craving love when we desperately want to feel it’s warmth is natural. Maybe you can be clingy but I don’t think you are that much. You were able to get out of a bad friendship last year which took a lot of strength on your part.

Amaris I want to make sure you are safe. Are you planning on actively hurting yourself? If so please call 911 or any suicide prevention hotline. We don’t want to lose you you beautiful human.

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I think I’m safe, if I were to hurt myself I wouldn’t have a clue as to how to do it anyways. Because of failed previous attempts. So I don’t really have anything to hurt myself with.

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I am glad you are safe Amaris. I know you feel hurt and you feel like you might deserve something bad but you dont. You want love. There is nothing shameful about that. You are a very supportive, kind and loving person that just wants some of that love that is so willing to give. Dont shame yourself amaris. There is no reason to do so. We care about you and we dont want you to suffer. We want you to feel loved so take it easy on youself and try to do something you like or take some rest if you feel tired. You matter Amaris remember that. :wink:

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Hi @Amaris

I’m so sorry that at some point in your life you’ve been made to feel unseen or were abandoned/rejected so many times that you fear this will happen in every relationship you have going forward. This the core belief for me (having BPD) and I completely understand and can connect with pretty much everything you said.

When someone gets close it’s terrifying because all you can think about is how you’ve been hurt by others in the past or how you’ve been the source of the hurt in others by pushing them away first when you’ve sensed any type of sign that they will leave you, so you don’t get hurt. Only to realize later that there was no reason to think that they were going to abandon you, it was just your perception.

When you see a friend hanging out with someone else or they don’t text you back right away, those feelings of fear deep down puddle up in your chest and you feel like you want to die because that friend who you adore doesn’t love you anymore and its literally the end of the world for you. I know all those feelings.

When you feel that fear build up inside, take a step back before you react or believe your inner critic. Really think about the facts that make your fear valid. Think about the facts that make your fear invalid. Re-evaluate your emotions after and then react if you still think you need to. 9 times out of 10 those fears are not reality, they are self defense reactions to protect yourself from the rejection you’ve experienced already in your life. If you really work thru it like this, I think you’ll find that your fears will be lessened. That your friends really do care about you.

I hope this helps you. It’s hard to find a solution for someone when you suffer from the same thing.

:hrtlegolove:

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Thank you for letting us know that you are safe, @Amaris. It probably seem like a non-event for you, but it really is a victory.

It’s tough to learn to trust others again when there’s this fear of being hurt, disappointed and left alone over and over. Whenever someone I love has hurt me, even just temporarily, and even just because of my own anxiety, I feel the urge to retreat in my own shell, hide and stay away from the world. If people who feel safe to us suddenly seems to be a cause of pain… then why even trying to put ourselves out there at all? When I isolate/withdraw socially, I feel like it’s just where I belong, yet not where I want to be.

I promise you that loneliness and darkness are not where you would belong. And, in this world, not everyone is going to hurt or disappoint you. It requires to learn to trust for sure, also to reframe our own expectations so we don’t put others on a high (and impossible) standard all the time. It is not hopeless, Amaris. As much as relationships can be hurtful and scary, it is also through them that we learn to heal and trust ourselves again.

I don’t know if you’ve ever spent some time on stream with the HS community, but it would be awesome to see you there sometimes. You know, for a very long time I just lurked there as I was too afraid to talk, and even needed to be with my own solitude. But just being there, seeing the life happening there, listening to the different interactions, has brought a lot of life to my heart again. It is simply heartwarming to see a place with lovely peeps discussing about everything. I hope you could spend some time there with the Twitch members.

You’re loved. You’re not alone. People who love you will always wait for you, as long as you need, without any pressure. So, take your time sweetheart. It’s okay. :hrtlegolove:

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Hi Amaris, it sounds like you have a lot of pent up emotion running through you, and I can understand how a sense of isolation makes those thoughts feel even more powerful because it seems like you have nobody to listen and to comfort you.

Something I’m sure of is that there are a lot of other people out there in the world right now who will share very similar feelings to you, and I’m sure the pandemic has added to the sense of solitude many people feel with the encouragement of isolation and limited social circles.

One thing I deeply connected to in what you said was the idea of isolating yourself for having a meltdown. It’s really tough when your gut instinct is to do something which will only hurt you more as a punishment. I really hope that you will strive to find ways to show yourself some love and forgiveness for your actions, rather than punishing yourself, because you deserve forgiveness and an opportunity to find the things you want in life.

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Hi friend !
Tbh your message just reminded me of myself. I can completely understand what you are going through.
And I know that sometimes these thoughts can destroy you. When you does’t have the attention you expected or someone is having fun with someone else, you feel useless and not enough.
I felt like this for years. But since I’ve being raped by one of my true friends, I figured out that this feeling and need to feel loved isn’t worth all this pain. Just because people aren’t really care for most of them.
Trust me, people are not worthing it. People that love you like you are will stay, I promise.
Sometimes, you lose people that you didn’t think you’ll lose one day, but by this, you figure out who people really are.

We are all loving you here <3 Trust me, the world is needing your presence. Stay safe friend, we are all here if you need to

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