From Skellybanks: All I do, or will be doing, is nothing but this enormous cycle of sleeping, waking up, eating, working, sometimes playing games, and repeat. There is hardly nothing between them and it remains absolute 80% of the time. My life has been nothing but pain, since birth, and I let almost everyone I meet down. I am a poison to everybody’s life. A cynical, autistic jerk who loves to argue if someone disagrees with me, even if I’m right or wrong. In the end, my life is nothing but a long joke that has gone on far too long.
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Hey Skelly! I also can be very argumentive. I have worked very hard on my “need to be right” attitude that I got from my dad, but it’s hard.
Your life is not a joke at all. Regardless of your mental struggles. Regardless of how you think the world views you, and how you currently view yourself.
Even if it matters to no one else in the world. It matters to me. I spent 20+ years feeling the pain of my struggle and the monotony of every day life. With next to 0 relief during that time. I say I care not because I think you need to hear it. I say I care not because it is needed or necessary to try to make a person feel better. I say I care because I have been in the pain, because I still encounter the pain, and because I would have given anything to have had someone capable of seeing me for who I am while I was/am in it. For what I was internally going through. Having lived it, one of my goals in life is to be there for people who are in the middle of it all.
I don’t know the answers. Where they lay at for each individuals journey. It does sound like there might be the potential for change in your routine. Maybe if you interrupted the monotony with looking for new jobs, new friends, new hobbies, new whatever. Maybe this might help?
I never know if I say the right thing in these things. I just try to talk from my heart. Hope you begin to feel some relief. - Thrice
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It sounds to me like you need to break the cycle and find something you actually like to do. You’d be surprised at how your mental state can change when you find something you’re passionate about. Think hard. This is an opportunity to make a positive decision and trend upwards.
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It is so hard to feel like you’ve just lost your inner spark. Nothing feels entertaining, no relationship feels fulfilling. It just feels like being stuck in a cycle of repetition, one that becomes even more meaningless day after day, after day… Until you look at all of it, and wonder where you are in the midst of it, who you are, and what’s the purpose of what you do.
Again, I’m really sorry that you’re going through this right now. The way you describe it resonates to me personally, especially of a time when I was struggling the most with my depression. Everything seemed fade, even though I wanted to feel something more, it was as if I just couldn’t. Life felt artificial, like there was this invisible veil between me and the world around.
Your life hasn’t gone far too long, especially if it has brought you to be here today and bravely share about all of this. You are not here by mistake, and there are steps to take, very gently, to break down this painful cycle bits by bits.
If I may ask, what does your support system look like right now? Is there anyone in your life you feel safe with? Anyone who knows what you’re going through? – Asking for help is absolutely worth it, especially when you feel lost and stuck in something you can’t control anymore. It’s not your fault, and you are not worthless. Life is just messy, and sometimes we need the support of others to get back on our feet.
You matter, Skelly. So very much. Even if your mind (or others) may try to convince you otherwise. 