All I know is fear

Hey guys, I’m back again. I feel like I’m making too much of a habit of this but I know that this wall is for the things that bother us. Lately I have been feeling a lot of emotions. Sadness, anger, but the one that burns so intensely that has seemingly taken over my life is fear. As some of you know due to medical emergency, I had to quit my job to take care of my father after he was severly injured while I was at Warped Tour. I feel no shame or regret in that situation apart from the anger that things went down as they did. But now that he’s getting better I do have to rejoin the work force soon. So for the past 2 weeks I’ve done 7 job interviews and seemingly every time it appears as though I have no chance of getting a single one of them. I was raised, more so instilled, with the belief that if you work hard enough, you could do anything in life. But it just seems as though I’m fighting a brick wall. Because of that those thoughts of self doubt and self worth and of course FEAR weigh me down. In retrospect it seems as though fear has conquered my life for the longest time. Fear of death, fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of the future. I know that my upbringing played a role in this as well but I do have to take responsibility for the fact that I have made it a habit to make myself complacent out of fear. Because if you don’t have anything to push you then you don’t have to deal with anything. So I’d lower my standards until everyday was a battle and I’d wake up defeated before I even started the day. That’s how I lived for the longest time. Complaceny holding me in contempt. But now it seems that the fear of everthing is building up again. What if things arent going to get better? What if you cant start again?
How many more years of your life are you going to waste? Now all I know is that internal monologue striking fear into my very being. I don’t sleep or eat much anymore. I isolate from everyone. I have even had thoughts of taking my life because in all honesty I don’t want to wake up tomorrow knowing that I’ll be walking into another day of fear. Besides I’m to much of coward to ever commit to death. But it’s always been that backdoor in my mind…if things get to bad. You can just disappear. I know that suicide is the most selfish thing to do. But sometimes I feel as though had I died that day when is was 8, that I and so many other would’ve been better off. All this work to build myself back up again and it just crumakes around me. All I feel is that I’m a failure, as a son, as a friend, and as a man. I failed myself. I fear what tomorrow has in store. Thank you all again listening to my thoughts and fears. This community as of late has been my light in the darkness. Had I not found it after all this happened. I know for a fact I would be dead right now. I just want to live without fear.

Hey KillerChansey,

I want to say thanks for sharing and that I’m sorry to hear about all these struggles you’re facing—believe, me I’ve been there and know what it feels like when life doesn’t seem to go your way, no matter how hard you struggle.

It’s important to remember you’re never alone and that you are loved. The idea that the world is better off without you is a lie that we tell ourselves when we’ve lost hope—I pray that you won’t succumb to it. Think about the people who love you in this world and how devastated they would be if you were gone.

Going through times of fear and suffering is never easy, I know. It might take time for you to overcome these times of trouble but you shouldn’t have to face these mountains alone. Surround yourself with friends and family you love. Reach out to us here because a lot of us have gone (and are going) through similar trials.

In future times, whenever you feel like you’re ready, it’s time to confront those fears—what can I do today/tomorrow to address my fears? That’s a future step but it all has to start somewhere, and we’re here to help support you to get to that spot.

I hope these words helped to some extent, no matter how minimal. Remember, you are loved and your life does matter.

Cheers,
Brian

Hi KillerChansey,

I just wanted to start off by saying that I’m really happy that you see HS as a light in your dark times. Knowing that you know you can come here and find support is what HS is all about and I hope I can send some love and support to you right now.

My friend, your post really spoke to my heart. I struggle with something very similar. I am constantly afraid of not being happy. I feel like I actively choose to give up because if you don’t even try you don’t get hurt. But that way of thinking has caused a lot of self hate and disappointment which I think you understand. But I want you to know (and I am saying this to you and myself) that fighting through and experiencing pain or disappointment is better than not feeling anything at all. You are worth life. And things can get better. You are not a failure. Fighting through each day and dark unknown is terrifying, but you don’t have to do it alone. We are here for you. Hold Fast.
Love,
Cassie

hugs and positive vibes to you

I TOTALLY feel you on this situation. This is exactly where I was. where I’ve been, what I struggle with just about daily. The biggest message that I came across that has helped me is that some things are bigger than us. You only can do so much to make a job happen. Dealing with your emotions is where you can act. Facing the fear is where you can do something. I had to learn a new way to interact with fear to keep going. And really it was believing in hope and faith that things will work out, that was really tough for me to accept, where I started to ease back from the edge.
I thought of myself as a failure because I was only looking at the work side of things. It took my therapist to tell me about how I love and care for my kids and wife that as she said that sounds pretty successful to me.

Hey friend,

I hear you so much about how hard it is to be looking for work. It’s so demoralizing, and everything seems like a giant wall of rejection. It is so easy to take it personally when something doesn’t work out. But I want you to know that you are valued and valuable and loved.

Fear sucks. I am a giant nerd so I always think of the mantra from Dune.

The Litany Against Fear:

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me,
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

Weirdly it helps me remember that I’m not the fear, the fear is something I am feeling. So you are definitely not alone. We are here for you, no matter what.

Video response HERE

Hold Fast friend.

2 Likes

You can’t trust fear.
And it’s okay to fall down. Sometimes you fall down. There’s nothing wrong with that, and it’s not always about getting back up immediately. Fear can’t drown you out, I don’t believe that.
Burn out your fear with passion, hope, anything you can. I have hope for you. You only wake up defeated, because you are still fighting, you’re still burning. In a way, you are winning even when you are losing. You can do this. Don’t let your fear or the lies consume you.
You are strong.
You are beautiful.
You are worth it.
You deserve hope.
Things aren’t going to get better for you if you think they won’t, friend.
And you may be fighting a brick wall, but that wall will break, because you are bulletproof, and strong.