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All i want is to die already

i’m such a disappointment to everyone… nobody cares about me and i can’t do anything about it. i know my parents are disappointed in me, i’m just a dent on their life at this point. they probably wouldn’t even care if i died now. i’ve had nausea for the past two months and had acid reflux that made it to where i couldn’t eat but i think the acid reflux is better with medicine after finally going to the er but i’m unsure because i haven’t really eaten and don’t really have any food to eat. i tried making food cause i was hungry but i just got yelled at so idc now. i’m still nauseous and it won’t go away so i still have less of an appetite but at least i had wanted to eat now ig? idk… this is all going to be so scrambled but i just have so much in my head. it’s bad now… it’s gotten to a point to where my eyes are open but i can see the blood running down my arms and into a pool below me… it’s not real but i can see it… it’s horrible but i want it so bad. i want it all to end… why couldn’t i have just been aborted? i cry to myself asking this over and over because i know i was a mistake and my parents didn’t want me so why’d they have to be pro life ? why couldn’t i have just been aborted??? everyone’s life would be so much better without me in it. my life would be better without me in it. all of this pain to just end and stop. i’m tired of it all… it’s too much… i keep wiping my eyes and now my phones wet while i’m typing so i’m sorry if i mistype some stuff… i want to see a psychiatrist and get tested for depression and stuff (though ik i have it) and get the medicine but all that’ll do is make me feel numb or something. i want to deal with my problems, not run away with meds. though i’m scared i won’t get that chance if i just kill myself. it’s all i want to do anymore… it’s the only thing i crave. i have nobody. i have nothing. i’m useless and replaceable. i’m only 16, i haven’t done anything with my life yet to matter, so who would care? nobody needs me, nobody wants me. i’d be better off bleeding to death.

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Hi Bunnys,

I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. As I read your post I felt your pain and it’s very sad to see someone so young, with so much life ahead of them, hurt so badly. Please take a moment to breathe. You will be ok.

Two things stood out to me about your post. The first was that I see a lot of statements about how you feel that nobody cares about you, that you are a mistake and life would be better without you. A lot of times our inner monologues can be very mean to us and have us believe things that aren’t true. I’m not saying you’re lying, but I often find that people just don’t realize how much they are loved. Perhaps they aren’t told they are loved. Perhaps the parents are bad at expressing themselves emotionally or unknowingly neglectful. I guess my point is, How do you know that you are a disappointment? How do you know that nobody cares about you? Could these thoughts simply be your own inner voice trying to sabotage you? I know my inner voice is self sabotaging and it’s something I’ve had to work on for some time now.

One statement in particular also stood out to me. You said, “I want to deal with my problems, not run away with meds. Though I’m scared I won’t get the chance if I just kill myself.”

Getting help in any way, whether through medication or not, is the opposite of running away. It takes great courage to admit you need help, especially when your inner voice is telling you how worthless you are. It’s possible the meds will make you numb, but at least you won’t want to die on a regular basis. You can work on realizing your self worth and maybe you’ll realize that you ARE loved. You are important. Your life means something. I think it’s important to remember that meds are not a life sentence either - they are a tool to help you get back on your feet again, and soon enough you’ll find your own footing and be fine without them meds. Also notable, nobody is going to force you to take meds. Maybe therapy would work for you if you are so against meds.

I feel like you have so much life to live and so much to experience. You’d be doing yourself a favor by seeking help. There is so much in life worth living for. I know in these times with Covid and not being able to see friends, being trapped in the house for so long, it can be taxing. Even best friends can find reasons to fight if you keep them in the same place for too long. Just try not to be so hard on yourself. We are certainly our own worst critics in life, and I find it hard to believe you could be such a disappointment at such a young age.

This too shall pass, friend. There is help all around you if you look hard enough; don’t let that inner voice defeat you.

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From: bitemarque

You are not alone. You matter and the world is better with you in it. The purpose of medications for depression is not to numb you, but to restore your neurochemicals to stable levels. Working with a therapist and/or psychiatrist is definitely the right way to go.

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Hey bunnys, thank you so much for coming here to share your pain with us and let us support you in any way we can via the internet. I feel your pain through your words and wish I could reach out and hug you and talk to you about all the ways you matter. But it’s so hard to see that in the midst of your own pain. I’ve been there, wondering how it would even matter, feeling like my whole life was a mistake (I was also an accident!!!)… When I did take medications, I actually felt LESS numb than I did before, but any time you take meds, you should be working closely with your medical providers to combat any symptoms that you don’t like. I hope something happens today to make you smile, even if it’s brief or only in your head at the time. You are NOT alone.

Leaving these with you in case you need to reach out: Suicide Lifeline in the US: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
Transgender Lifeline: US: 877-565-8860 | Canada: 877-330-6366
To text a trained Crisis Counselor, text HOME 741741
more chat, text, call & accessibility options: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

It is NEVER too late, and you absolutely do matter.

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Hey Bunnys, I’m really glad you’ve come here for support. It’s really brave of you and I think it says a lot about you that you are reaching out.
Like Sapphire said, our inner voices can be very mean to us, and I definitely want to reiterate that those mean voices can cause you to believe things that aren’t true. I definitely don’t want you to think I’m saying you shouldn’t be upset over something that isn’t real. I have the same mean voices in my head that bully me and tell me I don’t matter, and the feelings I have because of those voices is definitely real, and your feelings are real too.
Something that helps me when my brain is telling me mean lies is just to talk back to it and refute it. When my mean inner voice says I don’t deserve love, I tell it that everyone deserves love and I’m included in that. When it tells me I’m lazy and unworthy, I tell it that it’s okay to be restful and I don’t have to do anything in order to be worthy of life and love. Sometimes it’s hard to believe myself when I’m being the good voice, but just practicing saying the words has really helped me feel like maybe the mean voice isn’t 100% right and doesn’t have a hold on me. I’d really encourage you to try telling your inner voice things like “People would care if I weren’t around anymore,” and “I might not know where my life is going, but I deserve to live it.” It’s okay to feel like you haven’t done anything with your life, or to feel like you don’t know what you’ll do with your life. I’m 27 and I still have feelings like that all the time. It’s okay. You don’t have to do anything to deserve life. You’re worthy just as you are!

I love that you want to reach out to a mental health professional and see about taking some medicine that would help stabilize your mood and mental state. That’s super brave, and those kinds of people can definitely help you. I totally understand the fear that medicine will just make you numb. I have that fear too! But there are many other options for you as well, and a mental health professional will be able to help you find the right solution for you, whether that be medicine or something else. You can get through this <3

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I’m going to start off with you matter!! Took me 33 years to figure that out with help from my loving husband.

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