All jacked up on sadness

well it’s been a while since i posted on here…

i’m just gonna get straight to the point. over the past few day or days, i’ve been feeling off. i wasn’t my normal self. i have a dad and brother in law who want me to go to college and they both are trying to get me to go to the tech school in the town i graduated from that my sister also went to. there’s nothing at that one or the other college in town i wanna do, and i don’t wanna get drowned in student debt in something i change my mind on later on. college isn’t for me and i flat out don’t wanna tell them that. alongside that, i was dealing with a friend who constantly told me i was a mood when i said i was sad or always posted about her boyfriend being inactive or how he hasn’t came
back but i cut her out and i don’t know if i should say she was toxic or not. today, it was all fine and dandy up until i was on twitch just wanting to watch streams with my friend who was off and on, and when they wouldn’t answer my messages and i saw she was offline, my sad emotion just went off??? and i was wanting to do a with my quotev followers (yes i’m 20 on a fanfic and quiz site come at me), but nobody wanted to join me, and that made my sad emotion hurt me
more. even the thought of being alone bothers me, and i’m not talking about relationships and romance no, i’m an aromantic asexual so i don’t wanna relate. i also deal with a verbally and emotionally abusive dad and three siblings who never seem to respect me or our dad, or anyone they know.

everyday i think i think about wanting to kill myself and i don’t know if i’m joking but i tell my friends almost every day “i wanna commit not alive” “i wanna die” i wish i could be like that girl from the m “are you ready to die?” “no i’m bad bitch you can’t kill me” vine with a high self confidence and a feel good attitude but i have such a low self confidence and a low self esteem at this point in time and i’m only 20, alongside having no job or no license because i’m a socially anxious person and very awkward and shy.

i wish i could say something about how i wish that i want to have encouragement sent to me and everything but that sounds annoying and i know that this post is everywhere but i just wanted to let my feelings out.

Hey @weirdmaggedon, i get you. I’ve been feeling sad and depressed these past few days too. I know my family wants me to go to college, but I have other plans for a career that doesn’t require college. But like you, I just flat out don’t want to tell them. You say you have an abusive dad and three rude siblings. I think you should move out, leave as soon as possible. If they are dowsing your life, then don’t stay near them. Get a job, work up some money, and move out as soon as possible. Or see if you can temporarily move in with a friend. But either way, I think you should tell them how you feel about college. I know it’s scary and it doesn’t feel like it’ll help. But you have to stand up for yourself and make sure they know they can’t intimidate you. Of course, you’ll get backlash, but you know what, who gave them the right to tell you how to live your life?
You don’t like being alone, that’s okay. But sometimes, people disappoint you and you have to depend on yourself. It’s better to be with someone, friend or significant other, because you care not because you are lonely.
You want to be that strong, confident person, and that will take hard work. If you want it, you have to work for it. There’s many ways to boost self-confidence, like accomplishing your goals and getting things done. Don’t let other people think they can set limitations for you.
If your friend makes you feel worse, that’s not frendship. Tell her how you feel, and be honest.

Hey, we all want encouragement and positivity from others when we feel low. It’s human, it’s okay, you deserve it.
You’re stronger than you know, and while there’s comfort in others around you, you dont need anyone else but you.
Hold Fast, and never give in <3