Thank you for your supportive comments and sharing your experiences and advice.
My personal thought regarding God. I have a clear memory around 8 yrs old when God died for me. I thought what I was enduring in my childhood was him punishing me. An event happened at 8yrs old that made me clearly aware there was no God.
Firstly let me say I respect everyone’s religious views. I’m like hey whatever moral compass you need to make sense of the world is okay by me.
I guess when it comes to religion I walk the line more of Foucault theory about punishment in the penal system and religion is just another panopticonic system ( an all seeing eye above that sees everything we do so we behave) a fancier grown up version of Santa Claus.
I guess in my desperation and pain last night I needed to feel there was one all seeing eye and they knew every hardship I’ve endured and had the power and compassion enough to stop my breathing for me so I didnt have to follow thru with my plan and execute it myself. Somehow leaving me free of the actions of murdering myself yet experiencing the freedom of no longer being in pain.
But that’s why I struggle like tonight. There is no all seeing eye. Unless you wanna discuss police surveillance or the NSA lol… but reality is no ones there. I have no one.
Just like when I was little I prayed every night to God to make it stop. I thought the abuse was my punishment I begged for forgiveness. But it never stopped. I kept waiting for someone to come rescue me protect me love me because that’s what all the fairy tales taught me. But no one came.
I think people find relief in religion so they dont have to feel lonely. But I’m acutely aware of my loneliness. I know no one is coming to save me. That once I take the steps into my plan (I made it to where I couldnt turn back or change my mind if I got scared and cant save myself) there is no stopping it no turning back that it’s the end. Theres no God watching over me, no superman swooping down to pull me out, no GI agent or 911 hero whisking me out at the last second.
Like the 25yr old Kpop star that recently killed herself from cyberbullying or Robin Williams or Chris Cornell …Lee Thompson… no one sees… no ones coming… and when you hit the self destruct button that’s it. And the world keeps spinning.
So I alone in my dark rabbit hole have to keep pulling out reasons to wake up to another day. Like a magician’s hat reaching in and hopefully pulling something out that will trick me into sticking it out a little longer.
After awhile the illusions grow thin and the magic hat becomes empty with reality.
@GreatWalrus I’ve enjoyed watching Ollie’s videos today. But in one of them he talked about the powers that be determining a persons value and directing their fate basically off their worth… ei say a powerful white person with a successful business that contributes to the capitalist agenda commits a crime… he most likely would get a lighter sentence over someone that has nothing to contribute to society.
It’s an indirect way to psychic-drive society to behave a certain way just like religion or any other panoptic type system. And when I break down what I contribute to society… my worth … what I give versus what I take … I’m a taker. My PTSD and mental health issues from my trauma actually make me a burden to society and a taker.
I spend what energy I do have trying to pull the next illusion from the hat when everything around me tells me I have no value. When the messages are you are a taker and do everyone a favor and stop existing.
Everything decays and everything dies. There is no knights in shining armor I’m no princess and theres no superman. I have fought my whole life to find reasons to move forward to keep fighting. Im digging at the bottom of the magicians hat and coming up empty. And frankly having to fight for those reasons from an early age Im tired.
Some countries allow assisted suicide in the severely depressed. I wish I lived in such a place. We will hurt and feel pain if we see an animal suffering and suck it up and do the hard task of putting them out of their misery. Yet we hold on to this notion that every humans life has value and meaning and let them suffer.
Maybe that’s big brothers secret … the great oz behind the curtain … with media … advertising… the slanted biased reports of the news… social media … they subtle cue us into how to behave …who we should be… what our value is… and if we have none push us off the cliff. Do their dirty work for them.
That’s how it feels for me when I was making progress in therapy that I kept getting pushed down over and over. That they wanted me to stay down. So I did. They want me to see I have no value and I’m a taker and my trauma is a burden to society fine I see it.
Last year this time I played frogger on a dark highway. Feeling cars whizzing past me only inches away. A bus went by it had on its light sign the word Garbage as it whizzed by me… I laughed through my tears …saying yeah that’s right taking out the garbage.
I stopped though because it dawned on me what if the driver swerved and got hurt or worse died because I was selfishly trying to get them to do my dirty work. I couldnt bare the thought that my actions might lead to someone being hurt.
My plan now only hurts me. I have no one. So any therapist that’s tried to help me might feel sad for a moment. But reality is life keeps moving on. The world would be less one trauma survivor that burdens the system. I would no longer be in pain and it’s a win win for everyone right?
The part of the movie The Life of Pi that touches me deeply is where he talks about Richard Parker walking away and not looking back. I view the tiger as a symbol of his innocence.
All the animals including Richard were the tricks he needed to pull out of his magician hat to survive. And when he finally made it to shore … reality set in and his innocence left. As he said that all of life is the act of letting go … maybe I need to cowgirl up and let go of all the illusions that keep me here. Do society a favor and remove another burden.
His fierce companion that kept him alive … I understand this … and to my own Richard Parker and other magic tricks I had to believe in thank you for providing with reasons to keep fighting even if you weren’t real.