Almost didnt make it thru the night

HeartSupport Support
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I’ve been struggling. As I said before just getting out of bed is a struggle. Feel like I’m either motionless or going thru the motions. I tell myself just get thru one more day.

But last night was like the breaking point. I cried until 5 am completely exhausted. Tired of being bullied online. Tired of therapy. Tired of trying to balance the mask of sanity to find work and make it thru each day there. Tired of existing.

Usually when I feel this badly I’ll break down 5 mins at a time. Work on my grateful journal. Watch some motivational videos but nothing… nothing helped… I dont know what a nervous breakdown is or what’s going on I’m afraid of really sharing it with anyone and they say yup you completely lost it. So I fake it with others. Then when alone crawl back down my rabbit hole.

Last night i made a plan… felt relief there was a way out. Made some good bye letters. Trembled and cried from a very deep place and felt completely overwhelmed by the pain.

I did give into cutting. Feel like I’ve been thru a lot my whole life. Asked to be strong and suck it and push forward at a young age and I’m tired I have no more fight in me. I know I shouldn’t care what others think but if no one else wants me around, if I’m a burden, or hated so much why not let go and be free from it all. Dying will only hurt for a short while then I’ll be free from all this pain.

I was able to watch some videos on the struggles of others and how they pushed thru … reminding myself there are others in similar situations that made it thru… and all the crying exhausted me. I was able to get three hours sleep. But now I wake up and ask myself okay how are we gonna get thru this next 24 hours… plans are made good byes are there wouldnt take much. But I keep telling myself just get to tomorrow … but tomorrow is always like yesterday … I would give anything not to be me anymore. It is getting harder and harder to find reasons to make it thru each 5 mins.

I even prayed last night and I’m not a religious person. I begged God to let me go. That he is my only true witness to the pain I’ve endured and the strength to get thru it… my strength meter is tapped out… he knows how tired I am and begged him to not let me wake up. But here I am. And all I can think is now what.

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Hey if you can afford to put your life on hold I think you should. Take a day or two off and just sleep for as long as you can or do something that doesn’t require much energy. Just save up as much of it as you can.

And I don’t know if this will help or not, but I hope it does. https://youtu.be/eQNw2FBdpyE

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@GreatWalrus thank you. I have never watched him before so it was hard for me to gauge how he use to be to where he is now; but some of his descriptions sounded like acting and a script. Then other parts sounded very sincere and my heart went out to him.

My ex sounds like the Male version of his ex gf. I realize I did swallow a lot of poison over many years and after he left it was like I didnt know how to be without the poison.

I did like how he described metacognition without it sounding pretentious. It was a very down to earth way of explaining it

I am grateful you shared the video. It gives me a lot to think about. I have spent my whole life being abandoned and abused. Growing up thinking if I’m just fast enough, smart enough, pretty enough… etc then I’ll be good enough for someone to love me to keep me to protect me.

That somehow those things that children should automatically get from caring parents was my fault and that I didnt deserve them because some how I’m not good enough. When really they all failed at being the caregivers children require to grow into happy safe loving humans.

As my therapist and I have discussed my antenna seems to be tuned into men that are not available or incapable of being loving partners. She said I pick up the same vibes as my parents and other caregivers - their indifference… their coldness … their rejection… in the men I choose … all unconsciously… but it’s a familiar feeling that I run too and she said some part of me is trying to fix those childhood wounds by picking men that feel the same way … that if I can somehow get them to love me, protect me, care for I will have rewritten the wounds left by my caregivers and turned it into a happily ever after.

Reality is … I run to the familiar feelings picking the same partners and getting the same treatment I got as a child. Reinforcing the messages. When people really do care about me and men really do love me I self sabotage it… runaway… push them away… become my cold parents … I told her when someone actually loves me it feels like an itchy uncomfortable sweater.

So maybe all these voices in my head are a mixture of self made distortions of my worth combined with all the messages I got as a child.

My mother abandoned me when I was 6 months old. I met her for the first time when I was 12. I watched her picking flowers in the garden thinking she was beautiful. And suddenly she looks up and in a tone like shes talking about the weather said " I hate you and wish you were never born". She then went back to her flowers and I felt like I died right at that moment.

My father would only see me on the weekends he left me when I was 6 months old as well. And he raped me starting at 2. My family knew what was going on. My grandmother said that’s just something that girls have to go through. All the men in my family including strangers raped me until 16 and I ran away and went into foster care.

So for me in my child’s mind I grew up believing I wasnt worth protecting or keeping. That if your own parents hate you and dont want you no one else could possibly. So I’m thinking I have a lot of hardwired messages going on that are on constant repeat.

Why all the self sabotaging I’ve done - I haven’t recorded any messages that say I deserve love and protection …kindness …compassion… like I’m embedded emotionally and mentally with a hack script code that repeats itself … a sequence of codes designed to execute self destruction… repeating until it succeeds.

Question is how do I escape the prison in my head and find my own exit door from hell? When I’m making progress the code is executed I self sabotage and start from square 1 again. How do I begin to give myself permission to unknot all these messages that shaped me from people I loved and maintain the progress without undoing it. To let go of the only things I’ve known to be me… then how do I replace them with unfamiliar uncomfortable messages that feel foreign?

It seems like an insurmountable task… an impossible odessy … another delusional wishful hope … a mirage that I’ll never reach … when you mold a vase and fire it the kiln … its set… am I not molded by all these experiences and messages? Am I not just a defective piece of merchandise placed on the dollar shelf? You can unmold a clay vase once its fired off.

But this is also how my mind works with suicide. Yes I have made semi serious attempts throughout my life from emotional places… but when I make serious attempts I rationalize it very logically almost like he expressed. I break it down to wasting resources and space… not contributing in a meaningful way to life… the planet… my fellow human beings … being a burden to the mental health systems and anyone stupid enough to love me. I break down all the positives of why things would be better for all if I no longer existed. The strong survive is for the betterment of a species and someone like me shouldn’t exist.

When he described the play I understood the point he was making but in my mind what I was thinking is life is hell. Least my experience has been and a door opening means leaving this life. And he didnt take the exit because he still wanted to live… but that’s me distorting the real message as to why we dont exit toxic situations.

I will have to watch more of his videos. I like the way he describes things and anyone wearing a superman t-shirt is a-okay in my book :grin::+1:

Thank you for your kindness because of some experiences online I dont do social media any longer I think it would only add to my self made prison bars. Maybe one day when my eyes arent seeking out the negative messages and can focus on the positive ones I’ll dip a toe back in.

This video helped me get through the day … you make a difference and I’m glad I joined the forum.

Thank I’m grateful for the video … It gave me a lot to think about. I made a full proof plan. That’s the one thing that’s held me back from making another attempt. I didnt want to wake up in ICU to see I failed again. I have two feelings about having 100% fail proof plan… relief … and fear knowing it’s an exit only door.

So if I can keep planting “what ifs” and all things possible maybe I can hold onto enough fear to keep making it thru another day. Maybe I’ll find a way out of my self made prison cell before I miss out on anymore life. Or before my script code finally succeeds at complete self destruction.

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I think that’s what PhilosophyTube mentions in his video on trauma: “recovering isn’t like a lighting struck moment where you learn a lesson, go on to apply it, and everything is fine. It’s like rehearsing for a play: you keep going through the motions over and over again until it become second nature”.

And I know that sensation of powerlessness that people fall into where their brains go “I’m small. I’m just one person in a sea of billions. I can’t do anything.” And my response is"don’t let anyone tell you that a small group of highly motivated people can’t change the world. That’s all that ever had done it". The authority figures in our lives, the people with power, always want to tell us “we can’t do anything without them.” Because that feeds their power and takes away our power to oppose them. However… We can take that power back. Small acts over and over again like rehearsing a play can break down even the most insurmountable feeling obstacles.

For example: if someone has anxiety approaching and talking to people, they are usually taught to walk up to one person a day and ask them the time. For me, speaking to people was intimidating as all hell growing up and still sometimes is. But that exercise of just asking people the time helped a lot; knowing that I can do this small thing this small victory, helped me learn how to approach strangers and start talking to them.

So if you can, find those small victorie. That small thing that helps make cracks. Something that reminds you that you have value, have strength, and can push back. And even if it’s just coming to this forum and talking to us. That more than counts. And I’ll be here with whatever I have to help keep on the fight for one more day. And if you’re ever in California or if I’m ever in Minnesota, I’ll do my best to try to help in person :smiley:

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@TreasureDoll

Hi,

I was very moved to read your words.

Write more if it helps you.

What a brave determined soul, amazing.

You have so much to give and receive.

Yours truly,
one of your fans

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I heard someone say that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Just know that what you’re going through is just temporary even if you don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel yet. You do matter to people whether you know it or not. Some people do get touched by subtle things that are done and they may never get to tell you how you made a positive impact on them despite thinking what you did was small in comparison to others. Just know that impacts are being made. I know you may not be thinking about it in the situations you go through, but just know you’re worth it and you have a purpose on this planet.

Social media, oh my. It really is a double-edged sword. I have found social media to be fun at first but as time went on, it really brought me down and I had to step away from parts of it. I couldn’t bear it, so I commend you for taking time away from it. Social media can be addicting and hurt you mentally.

You said you prayed to God to end it all, not being a religious person. God didn’t make a mistake by placing you on Earth, there is a reason why you’re living. Situations you go through really do suck but know that even through pain and suffering, good can come out of it. I did get encouraged by your post, knowing you didn’t take your life and do have ways to cope. I can see the strength in you to push through, to persevere, and deep down you know there is some sort of purpose or reason why you shouldn’t end it all. Just know God loves you. You are worth it to Him and is there to help you by providing different avenues, like HeartSupport or other people you come across. Don’t lose hope. You can message me if you would like if you want to talk more.

Thank you for sharing, we are here to support you!

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All I know is: if i see a God when I die, I am gonna hit it as hard as I fucking can. Because of what was done to ALL the people that are in the same spots we are. The people that have been so wronged by life that they feel the best option is to end theirs

If this is love, I don’t want it. This world is entirely too fucked for a God to exist. That’s why instead of him I recommend relying on yourself.

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I get it, there are a lot of horrible things going on in the world. I am not saying that God is the cure to everything. That’s further from the truth. I do agree with you that you need to work on becoming better because we all make choices. God isn’t a genie. But for me, knowing that you’re worth something and that you have some purpose and you can look toward God was just encouragement from my perspective. I get that not everyone will want to believe in God

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Thank you for your supportive comments and sharing your experiences and advice.

My personal thought regarding God. I have a clear memory around 8 yrs old when God died for me. I thought what I was enduring in my childhood was him punishing me. An event happened at 8yrs old that made me clearly aware there was no God.

Firstly let me say I respect everyone’s religious views. I’m like hey whatever moral compass you need to make sense of the world is okay by me.

I guess when it comes to religion I walk the line more of Foucault theory about punishment in the penal system and religion is just another panopticonic system ( an all seeing eye above that sees everything we do so we behave) a fancier grown up version of Santa Claus.

I guess in my desperation and pain last night I needed to feel there was one all seeing eye and they knew every hardship I’ve endured and had the power and compassion enough to stop my breathing for me so I didnt have to follow thru with my plan and execute it myself. Somehow leaving me free of the actions of murdering myself yet experiencing the freedom of no longer being in pain.

But that’s why I struggle like tonight. There is no all seeing eye. Unless you wanna discuss police surveillance or the NSA lol… but reality is no ones there. I have no one.

Just like when I was little I prayed every night to God to make it stop. I thought the abuse was my punishment I begged for forgiveness. But it never stopped. I kept waiting for someone to come rescue me protect me love me because that’s what all the fairy tales taught me. But no one came.

I think people find relief in religion so they dont have to feel lonely. But I’m acutely aware of my loneliness. I know no one is coming to save me. That once I take the steps into my plan (I made it to where I couldnt turn back or change my mind if I got scared and cant save myself) there is no stopping it no turning back that it’s the end. Theres no God watching over me, no superman swooping down to pull me out, no GI agent or 911 hero whisking me out at the last second.

Like the 25yr old Kpop star that recently killed herself from cyberbullying or Robin Williams or Chris Cornell …Lee Thompson… no one sees… no ones coming… and when you hit the self destruct button that’s it. And the world keeps spinning.

So I alone in my dark rabbit hole have to keep pulling out reasons to wake up to another day. Like a magician’s hat reaching in and hopefully pulling something out that will trick me into sticking it out a little longer.

After awhile the illusions grow thin and the magic hat becomes empty with reality.

@GreatWalrus I’ve enjoyed watching Ollie’s videos today. But in one of them he talked about the powers that be determining a persons value and directing their fate basically off their worth… ei say a powerful white person with a successful business that contributes to the capitalist agenda commits a crime… he most likely would get a lighter sentence over someone that has nothing to contribute to society.

It’s an indirect way to psychic-drive society to behave a certain way just like religion or any other panoptic type system. And when I break down what I contribute to society… my worth … what I give versus what I take … I’m a taker. My PTSD and mental health issues from my trauma actually make me a burden to society and a taker.

I spend what energy I do have trying to pull the next illusion from the hat when everything around me tells me I have no value. When the messages are you are a taker and do everyone a favor and stop existing.

Everything decays and everything dies. There is no knights in shining armor I’m no princess and theres no superman. I have fought my whole life to find reasons to move forward to keep fighting. Im digging at the bottom of the magicians hat and coming up empty. And frankly having to fight for those reasons from an early age Im tired.

Some countries allow assisted suicide in the severely depressed. I wish I lived in such a place. We will hurt and feel pain if we see an animal suffering and suck it up and do the hard task of putting them out of their misery. Yet we hold on to this notion that every humans life has value and meaning and let them suffer.

Maybe that’s big brothers secret … the great oz behind the curtain … with media … advertising… the slanted biased reports of the news… social media … they subtle cue us into how to behave …who we should be… what our value is… and if we have none push us off the cliff. Do their dirty work for them.

That’s how it feels for me when I was making progress in therapy that I kept getting pushed down over and over. That they wanted me to stay down. So I did. They want me to see I have no value and I’m a taker and my trauma is a burden to society fine I see it.

Last year this time I played frogger on a dark highway. Feeling cars whizzing past me only inches away. A bus went by it had on its light sign the word Garbage as it whizzed by me… I laughed through my tears …saying yeah that’s right taking out the garbage.

I stopped though because it dawned on me what if the driver swerved and got hurt or worse died because I was selfishly trying to get them to do my dirty work. I couldnt bare the thought that my actions might lead to someone being hurt.

My plan now only hurts me. I have no one. So any therapist that’s tried to help me might feel sad for a moment. But reality is life keeps moving on. The world would be less one trauma survivor that burdens the system. I would no longer be in pain and it’s a win win for everyone right?

The part of the movie The Life of Pi that touches me deeply is where he talks about Richard Parker walking away and not looking back. I view the tiger as a symbol of his innocence.

All the animals including Richard were the tricks he needed to pull out of his magician hat to survive. And when he finally made it to shore … reality set in and his innocence left. As he said that all of life is the act of letting go … maybe I need to cowgirl up and let go of all the illusions that keep me here. Do society a favor and remove another burden.

His fierce companion that kept him alive … I understand this … and to my own Richard Parker and other magic tricks I had to believe in thank you for providing with reasons to keep fighting even if you weren’t real.

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Funny thing is: the thing that’s kept me going was spite. I wanted to be able to someday be able to look back and be like “I’ve made it out. I have the life I want with the people I want in it in spite of all the shit I went through growing up. And all the shit you put me through” I don’t know if that works for everyone but it worked for me.

Watch Ollie’s Chernobyl video. He talks about how society really shouldn’t be measured in terms like value because at every point in our lives we need care. We needed parents to care for.us when we were young, we need doctors to care for us when we are sick, we need people that will go the extra mile for no benefit to themselves. And that’s your value to society right there. You care. You are caring for the people on this forum as much as we are caring for you. And that’s something that can’t be measured in $s.

How many lives do we touch, how many people do we save just through this small interpersonal connection? It’s impossible to know. But I do know that, the world needs people like us; because we aren’t the first and we won’t be the last people that suffer. And because of that, we can help the ones coming before us. We can help be breakers of these cycles and one of us succeeding means all of us can. And I think you can do it TreasureDolls. I believe you can recover and get out. But you should also get your rest. If you can afford to just sleep and relax, absolutely do it because you’ve been through exponentially more shit than most people get in a lifetime.

Don’t be too hard on yourself. There is a reason people have to go through physical therapy after a traumatic injury: it takes time to heal and relearn how to function. Why would mental health be ant different? So you’re not a leacher, you’re a patient undergoing mental physical therapy. And you’re encouraging will the other people in the ward with you to keep at it and get better. We are all badasses in recovery and recovery is a long process. It’s not gonna be easy but I believe we can do it because we survived this long!

Also if you can move to Wisconsin, I can put you in touch with some really good friends of mine. People that understand what you’ve been through, and that will be able to help. A community of ready-made friends can and will be waiting there for you. As the founders of HeartSupport say: Hold Fast. <3

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Hey, not sure what to say as I’ve also been going through the same suicidal notions…but it will get better, suicide is the easy, asshole way out. Suicide crushes everyone around you. Suicide does not stop the pain it puts it onto others. Do do that please. It will get better.

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