today i almost drank bleach hoping to end my life thursday i alomost slit my throat. i feel like i am running out of almosts and soon i will be gone. i feel like i dont fit anywhere and i know people will say i fit here at hs and i dont feel like i do. i cant make streams or comment on the wall because i find it triggering so i am not well known and can get looked over. thats not why i am writting this though i feel lost i feel like i dont fit in i feel alone. i dont turn to “friends” because i dont want to bother them so i sit alone in this depression. if i end my life my family would move on and it would be better. my wife could find someone better and someone who can give her a child naturaly. i know i wont get a lot of response and its ok i dont matter to me why would i matter to anyone else
First i am so sorry you are feeling this way. I know we have talked a little bit lately and you need to know that your life DOES HAVE VALUE. It might be hard to see but you truly do. People may not take the time to reply or get to know you but guess what they are the ones missing out not you. You are very much worth getting to know. You are loved and cared about.
So I am going to pull out pieces I want to touch on.
First fitting in any where-
I also do not feel I fit any where but what I do know is people remind me daily that no two humans are the same we are like snowflakes what one likes or enjoys is not the same as another human. I do not know what all you are into put perhaps consider joining groups that are in that area so like if you are like me and you love dogs join a club for dogs owners and handlers. I will say that sometimes your own libraries can have some. In order to find where we fit we need to put ourselves out there.
Second the triggering of the wall-
That happens to me all the time I get so triggered a lot but here is what I know I sometimes will reply because I know that even if it triggered me the other person on the other line is struggling. I also sometimes just have to step away and not reply it happens to all of us. I know many have shared that it has happened to them too.
Third your family and others not caring and would move on-
THAT IS UTTERLY NOT TRUE. I know it feels like they would just move on they would not they will always be marked with the love and person you are. There is no other human like you. I know that is words but you cant say that someone wont care if you are gone because you wont see how much they care about you when you are. You need to know that even if you know someone for 5 minutes you can leave an impact on their lives. It isnt something that goes lightly. I get the child issues it is hard to want to give someone else but you cant always give everything the same way. You do matter to me. I know we have talked a little but you do really matter to me.
Friend - you do matter. People here live you. I know it’s hard and you don’t believe it but in moments like this you need to lean on and hold on to the people that care about you. We dont care about you any less just because you can’t make streams or reply to topics. We love you. You can beat this. I’ve been in the same mindset as you a few times this week and every time, people of this community have caught me. We will catch you too.
Friend I am so sorry you deal with this .
And I am sorry this is triggering . By the way don’t distance yourself from us it’s not healthy , hears at heartsupport , we are here to help you , to mKe you feel better . We may not be psychologists, therapist, counselor, mental health specialists or doctors , we are people who love you for YOU. You are human because you have breath in your lungs . By the way please don’t drink bleach it’s not healthy. It will not be better if your wife finds someone else. She chose you to be HER husband because she cares and loves you . Your family will miss you because you are their son . You were created for a purpose and you do matter to me and the community . You are worth it friend .
I’m so glad you’re alive.
Even if you don’t believe it, you are not a burden.
So many times we can fall into this cycle of believing people’s lives are better without us, when that’s just a big lie.
So here’s the truth- people’s lives are better with you in it. Stay to see that.
Check out this spoken word by Levi the Poet, I’ve found a lot of encouragement in it.
I want to assure you that you DO fit here at HeartSupport. We love and care for you and we want to see you win! Have you considered talking to a professional about what you’re going through? It’s one of the best decisions that I’ve ever made - to see a psychiatrist and psychologist about my problems. There is NO shame in doing this! It takes a strong person to admit that they need help and you’re an incredibly strong person. We want to see you get better. Please keep us updated!
@Eric I am in therapy on meds and talk to my pastor almost weekly
It sincerely breaks my heart reading your words you have typed out that are so transparent and raw full of emotion. I want you to know that you do in fact matter and have tremendous value!
Life can be so difficult sometimes and can throw conflict and unfortunate events that we simply can’t control. No one is refuting the emotions you are feeling and going through and there is no judgement here in the SupportWall. I find assurance in this support group in knowing that everyone here doesn’t have it all figured out, but frankly I would rather rally around people who are battling things that I can relate too and do our best to encourage and support to let them know you are not alone.
I recently met a gentlemen who shared with me that if it wasn’t because of HeartSupport, he would’ve committed suicide last year while he gave me a hug and cried on my shoulder. I’m not saying that everything is going to be fixed overnight. But I am saying that this support group is here for you because you matter. I’m sincerely sorry and heartbroken for the pain you are going through, but continue to fight! We are here for you. If you need to talk to someone over the phone, I would absolutely love to be a listening ear and am always available to talk.
First off I will say I am so so prouf of you for reaching out and I am so so glad that you are still here with us.
Next- I would like to address something that I see many say:
What makes you think that?
Your wife married you for a reason- because she loves you. Your child would be so lost without one of their super heroes- or the people they look up to and love so much.
Friend your wife married you and loves you because of who YOU are. She accepts you and loves you for the person you are; I understand it must be very difficult to not be able to have a child naturally- but so many go through that, you are not alone in that struggle. There are people in this community who struggle with the same situation.
Honestly I have felt this way at times but it is NOT true. Our minds like to be jerks a lot of the time. Friend- we don’t love people just because they show up to the livestream or post on the wall- we love people for who they TRULY are. We love you because you are the only you there will ever be. You are unique and you are special and so so valued. Your presence is not overlooked, and I’m sorry if we may have made you feel that way. There was a person who would show up a lot to streams and they kind of stopped- and although it wasn’t said out loud many were wondering where this person was- I even missed them being there. And that same story applies to you- although we may not speak it out loud, we are always wondering where people are and if they are OK. And friend if you find it triggering to be at the livestreams and post on the support wall then we will advise you not to come- we don’t want anything bad for you. We want to see you get better and improve. It’s OK.
I have had this thought many times also- but now we have support wall shifts which ensure that all posts are replied to- especially once these shifts get up and running fully.You matter to us. You matter to your wife. You matter to your child. You matter to anyone who goes to your church. You matter to God. Friend, you matter. I know how hard it is to see that and accept that but man, you matter.
You are loved, you are important, your presence is cherished.
Lyss ( your old pal Blurryface)