I can’t believe I’m coming clean but I feel I need to before things get worst.
I’ve been dealing with anxiety/depression as far back as a teen. I’ve had a lot of trauma in my life(who hasn’t) and I don’t know how to get out of the funk I’m in.
As the title implies, I am a “new” mom to three year old twins and a wife of almost four years. My husband is amazing and I do not deserve the love he gives me. My babies were born early and spent two months in the NICU. I love my husband very much but self sabatoage the marriage by having a year long affair. It’s over now and I feel stuck. I have to life with the hilt every day and it’s my own fault. I don’t feel “coming clean” will help because I would feel better but put the hurt on my amazing husband.
We are also going through bankruptcy and are very strapped for cash. With the kids being so small, I can only work part time. My husband is taking classes online to have a bachelor’s in computer science to further his career and earn more money. I am so stressed that it’s making me depressed. I can’t talk to anyone about it because I fear they will judge/tell my husband. I’m self distracting by eating everything I can and being very lazy. I love my life and it’s everything I’ve ever wanted but why am I not happy?
Hi friend.
It sounds like that unhappiness that you are feeling is coming very heavily from the guilt that you are carrying over the affair. Which totally is understandable. I know that it is hard to be open and honest about something like that due to the fear of how things will be reacted to. But it may be very hard to come to peace with it and find happiness if you live in a lie and hiding something like that. You know?
We are human and we all make mistakes. But lies and hiding truth will never bring us happiness. It will eat us alive.
I’m proud of you for stepping forward and opening up about it and sharing your story. You are not the first person here who has shared this kind of story. So you are not alone.
Even in your mistakes, you still matter, you are still important. You are still valued. None of that changes. But just as you would be deserving of the truth if it were him cheating on you, he deserves to know the truth.
Is it possible to talk to a therapist about it and maybe work through the guilt you are dealing with? And maybe find a way to get to the truth and tell it?
That’s very hard.
I’m not sure how to advise you, BUT Heart Support has a book called Dwarf Planet that is a guide through depression. You can have that sent to you at no cost. Maybe this is something that could help you. You can order that by clicking this link
I hope you are able to find the strength and courage to work through your guilt and your situation. And I hope that you are able to in time learn to forgive yourself and find a way to be honest with yourself and your husband. Be gentle with yourself my friend.
- Kitty