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Alone/Burden/Struggling


#1

Over the past 25+ years I have gone through so much stuff. I grew up in a Southern Baptist family, the youngest of 5 children. From age 6-12 I was molested by my father. My father was both mentally abusive, physically abusive, and mentally abusive. I grew up being told I would never amount to anything. When I was 16, my dad and I got into a punching fight because he tried to hit my mom and I stopped him. After the fight was over, I was kicked out of the house. I finished high school, I started college, all of this while remaining in the closet. I dropped out of college and was joined the Army. After several years of serving, I was kicked out under Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. At this point, I was forced out of the closet to my family. I received death threats during my out processing. It was a huge dramatic thing that I really just wanted to avoid. All of this crap kept piling up and eventually I just shoved everything down so far that I couldn’t feel it. Over the course of the last 10 years, I began to have issues sleeping, it escalated so far that I was only getting 2-3hrs of sleep a night. My day would start at 3 in the morning if not earlier. I broke down and went to my Dr and he tried to give me various sleep meds, of which none worked. He then gave me a med for anxiety. Mind you this was a very high dosage as well. That was the straw that broke the camels back. I began to have suicidal thoughts, suicidal tendencies, stayed in my room away from my fiance. Nights of no sleep at all. Social anxiety, which I NEVER had before. After several visits to a psychiatrist, I was officially diagnosed with MDD (major depressive disorder), Severe Anxiety, PTSD, accompanied with suicidal thoughts and tendencies.
Since all of this has happened, I feel like a shell of a person. I do not recognize the person I am today. I have zero energy. I have to take all the different meds now. I just don’t even know who I am or what I am. I feel like I am a burden to everyone around me. Constant suicidal thoughts race through my brain. I’ve even thought of what I would put in a suicide note. I do not have a plan. I don’t even know how the hell I would do it.
I am currently in an Intensive out patient program and seeing a therapist. I just want to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Right now all I see is darkness and self-hate. I just don’t know this person. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know…me.


#2

It sounds like you have gone through many hardships in your life and I am sorry you went through so much. You are incredibly strong though for not only enduring and surviving those hardships and traumas but also advocating for yourself and seeking help. That isn’t always easy to do and the fact that you have and are still actively seeking help is so courageous. I know thoughts of suicide have been a continuous struggle for you, but I truly believe you are strong enough to fight those thoughts and find healing. With time I know you will make it through. You are loved and you are stronger than you think.

Hold Fast,
Hannah Rhodes


#3

Hi Friend, we made a video response to your post. Hope it helps! Video Response


#4

Ill tell you other than the ptsd i have the same mental issues you do, from different circumstances of course but i totally get the shell thing. Im also on crazy amounts of meds and therapy ( no sleep sucks) the struggle is real. But the fact you keep on with it says tons about how strong you are, even though i know it doesnt feel like that most the time. Ive learned the thing about being a “shell” is the shell is empty, you can fill it with whatever you choose too. Find something positive to fill it with, with your circumstances you can relate to soooo many people who might be in that same alone mind space. Keep kicking ass, you’re a gladiator, and you know from little sleep that no matter what, those dark nights always turn to dawn. Just gotta be there to see it


#5

Thank you for the video, it really touched my heart and I greatly appreciate the encouraging words.


#6

I am so sorry for what you have gone though. I know of many Southern Baptist Families especially from the Bible Belt that are just mean and abusive and especially towards LGBT people and their own families that are gay. I want you to know you are loved, you are cared for and there is light at the end of tunnel.

Many Wishes to you

Ranma1983