This is really hard to put into words, and it’s really weird to do so too, but I’m gonna try
I have a really bad problem with hating myself with every fiber of my being, no matter what. Even on really good days I can’t find it in me to think one positive thing about me.
As a result I fantasize a lot about really horrible things happening to me physically. Not in like a masochistic way, it just feels like it should happen and I want it to happen because I deserve it and I don’t have the will to do any meaningful harm myself. the idea of being injured brings me comfort, and I think it’s because I don’t think I deserve any form of actual practical comfort
There have been times where if I’m driving in a storm I’ll keep hoping and hoping I accidentally slide off the road into a ditch or something; it doesn’t make me drive recklessly on purpose because of cops but the chance is there either way
Or sometimes I’ll think about being in the wrong place at the wrong time and being stabbed or beaten and it’s so horrible and disgusting but it happens all the time and at this point I go to that headspace almost as a source of comfort when I’m stressed out
Right now I don’t think I’m in any danger but I am afraid of it escalating to that one day. I’ve previously bruised up my ankle and knees in an weak attempt to break something but I gave up on that, I have a problem with cutting though thankfully I’ve been clean for a couple months
I’ve spoken to a therapist about it but I don’t know. It’s just more basic tips like distracting myself when I start thinking of those things, getting better coping mechanisms, etc but it still doesn’t change the fact that I have to fight that headspace at all and it’s disgusting