This is really hard to put into words, and it’s really weird to do so too, but I’m gonna try
I have a really bad problem with hating myself with every fiber of my being, no matter what. Even on really good days I can’t find it in me to think one positive thing about me.
As a result I fantasize a lot about really horrible things happening to me physically. Not in like a masochistic way, it just feels like it should happen and I want it to happen because I deserve it and I don’t have the will to do any meaningful harm myself. the idea of being injured brings me comfort, and I think it’s because I don’t think I deserve any form of actual practical comfort
There have been times where if I’m driving in a storm I’ll keep hoping and hoping I accidentally slide off the road into a ditch or something; it doesn’t make me drive recklessly on purpose because of cops but the chance is there either way
Or sometimes I’ll think about being in the wrong place at the wrong time and being stabbed or beaten and it’s so horrible and disgusting but it happens all the time and at this point I go to that headspace almost as a source of comfort when I’m stressed out
Right now I don’t think I’m in any danger but I am afraid of it escalating to that one day. I’ve previously bruised up my ankle and knees in an weak attempt to break something but I gave up on that, I have a problem with cutting though thankfully I’ve been clean for a couple months
I’ve spoken to a therapist about it but I don’t know. It’s just more basic tips like distracting myself when I start thinking of those things, getting better coping mechanisms, etc but it still doesn’t change the fact that I have to fight that headspace at all and it’s disgusting
First off congratulations on staying clean. I can promise you are not alone when it comes to thinking like this. You need to take a look at the people who love you and see why they love you and learn to agree with them or else you’ll continue down this dark path. An inspiring Veteran Navy Seal named Eric Greitens published a book called “Resilience” which was a compilation of letters written between him and an old BUDs graduate he graduated with. His friend had become overcumbered with his PTSD and fell into extreme addiction and despair leading him to neglect himself and his family. I reference the book because there is a letter where he writes “When all I thought about was my own pain and how the world had dealt me an unfair hand, I became weaker. When I thought of the needs of my team, my friends, I became stronger. We often think that our friends help us when we are weak. And they do. But it’s also true that we become strong when we have friends to be strong for.” Your self hatred is causing you to self destruct but the high road in this situation is to take this addiction and tell it that it is not going to rule over those who care about you. In the list of people who care about you should be yourself which means you will also need to stand strong and tell these dark thoughts they will not define who you are and they will not contol you.
Please give yourself the love you give others friend, you are worthy.
It hard mental thing to get over
Im have been reading the Rewrite book and talk about you have to apsect you dont have control over your thoughs. But it does not control you act. You doing a really good job going to an therpist and figuring out way to fight it. So that one positive you say about youself. For fact you can admit you have problem, that positive to proud, that show you willing to change.
Im also struggle of thinking myself as a good person, to be honest I did some fuck shit in my life and it keep me awake at night. It make me hate myself. so you not alone in this my friend.