Recently my therapist said my self harm ocd turned into harming others. I mean he is right since I have thoughts of killing people brutally and sexually abusing them. I don’t know if he misdiagnosed me with psychopathy since I want to do those thoughts. Why I am like this? I know this is really wrong and I stop myself from doing that stuff but what will happen if I can’t control myself one day? I get disgusted from myself because of this stuff. I am only 16 years old like what did I do to deserve this? I just don’t know what to do at this point. I am still in major depression according to my doctor and I can’t deal with both of this stuff anymore. Am I a bad person? Should people lock me up to somewhere where I can’t hurt people? Were other doctors I went before right about putting me into a mental hospital? I just don’t know. I had to change therapists 2 times because of my self harm issues. And now it’s harming people how great.
Deep down inside you are a good person. That’s who you truly are. Your behaviors are different from that.
Your awareness of these thoughts and realizing that acting on them is something that must not happen shows that there is a “healthy part”. If you were only these thoughts, you wouldn’t be able to analyze them from a different perspective. Your healthy part knows these thoughts and behaviors aren’t good.
When you feel getting close to being out of control of your behavior, I’d strongly recommend you to seek help immediately because your behavior could potentially be harmful to yourself and/or others. That would be your healthy part taking responsibility. I’d like to stress that this would be a very important step to take.
You don’t deserve this and there is nothing you have done to deserve this. You said that you have experience with therapy. Have you ever discussed what’s behind those thoughts? Major struggles like this aren’t there for no reason. The urge to harm yourself is an indicator that there is a lot of pain. This can be addressed. It will take time, but that doesn’t mean it will be like this forever.
Remember that you are loved and you matter.
let me say this first I dont think you are a bad person. You are not and here is why.
By self harming you are harming others. Yes that is true, but saying this to you was not a good idea in my point of view, because it can lead to a visious circle. I self harm, I hurt others that ways, I hate myself, I want to harm myself because I hate myself. You see? Let me ease your guilt a bit. . Yes sometimes we do cause pain to others but that does not make us bad. You are in a lot of pain and you hurt yourself to relese it. It does not hurt the people you care about that you harm yourself but what harms them is that you are in a lot of pain and they dont know how to help you. Telling you to not harm yourself because you hurt others by it is like telling you to not ask for help because it causes discomfort to others. The primal reason to not hurt yourself is because it is bad for you and you should treat yourself with love and respect. (btw the reason why therapists did not want you was not because you were a bad person. 1. therapist will send you to another therapist if they think they are not right for you because they were not able to help you. 2. if you hurt yourself your therapist will get scared because there were cases where a family of a person who killed themselves sued the therapist)
Thinking about hurting and killing the people we hate or people that make us angry does not make you a psychopath, it only makes you human. Having something bad in yourself does not make you evil it makes you dangerous, which is not bad by itself, because people have to be a bit dangerous to protect what we care about. Not being able to do bad things does not make you good. Being able to do them and choosing not to do them makes you good. I will send you a good video about it that I think migh be very helpful. Alan Watts ~ Embrace All Your Feelings - YouTube
Dont worry, If a person like yourself should be locked up then we are all going to be there with you . That was a bit of a joke. Sorry about that. Anyway I dont think you are a psychopath. You feel guilt and shame, which is something most psychopaths are incapable of. You are also only 16 and your personality is still in development. Also you have not really killed anybody. Ok you thought about it guess what I have also thought about taking out the trash today and it is still there .
I am very glad to know you E_Man at lest a little. I am also grateful for your help during swat meatings. I always like to see you there . I hope things will get better for you soon. If you ever want to tak DM me here or on discord. I will try to be there for you.
PS here is one more video Alan Watts ~ No More Guilt... - YouTube
these are some big questions, but maybe you could rephrase them into a way that is less-value based and easier to be logical or evidence based about. The thoughts you sometimes have are deep and intense. “Are you a bad person” makes it black and white, which is a difficult way to view these sorts of ideas.
“Am I doing bad things?” might be a more useful question, because this way you can establish specific boundaries for not doing harmful acts against others. This way you can work with your therapists maybe on clarifying what are appropriate boundaries to have (for example, what are the legal guidelines that govern what you do, what is the moral understanding and ethical consideration of those acts.
You say you stop yourself. and that’s good. But have clear reasons and boundaries. Share them with your therapist so you can make sure those won’t hurt others.
“What will happen if you lose control?” Good question. I follow it up with “what are the various coping strategies I can use to maintain my composure? How do I know when it’s time to walk away from a situation before I react?” Develop the strategies and skills that will enable you to control how you act on your thoughts and urges.
Remind yourself that people are real being with feelings and should be treated respectfully and kindly.
I’m glad that you’re here, sharing your thought with us. Wishing you peace internally and answers to all your questions in a way that motivates and empowers you to be make a positive contribution to the world.
You’re acknowledging you’re having feelings that shouldn’t be acted upon. You’re feeling guilty from them.
Have you ever had someone say something sarcastic and your first reaction is to snap back?
It’s a pretty normal response isn’t it?
I think when we experience trauma, when we experience hurt there’s no way we can justify it, because there was no need for it. Sometimes people think about or even visualise what it would be like if those people had to experience hurt.
Are you a monster or a bad person? NO.
You don’t have intention or find some sort of joy out of wanting to cause harm, you have intrusive thoughts that are distressing to you.
Sometimes these thoughts can be overwhelming and seem disturbing and you know you don’t want to gratify these intrusive thoughts. Sometimes I have had some thoughts that seem to come out of nowhere and I shake it off.
Do you notice triggers when you start thinking about these situations? Something that you see or something that gets said? Sometimes we can use avoidance behaviours with triggers, sometimes it’s not that simple. I believe you can work together with your therapist to work through 1. Why you’re having thee intense thoughts and 2. What cognitive realignment needs to take place to help you experience less of this.
You don’t deserve to be locked away and you are not a bad person. You deserve to have help through this.