So, I’ve been seeing my therpist for about 3 months now, and this week I had to talk about the sexual assault that happened in 2018. I was seeing a therapist before this one, and when the subject was raised, I asked to change therapist so I didn’t have to talk about it… Before that, I was using the service BetterHelp, and when the subject got raised, I would divert… I completely moved off of the topic and it was never raised again… During this session, I felt like I wanted to just walk out and not go back - I carried on and spoke about it, however, next time, she wants to talk about the emotions that came with that night. Being an addict, I never really let myself experience feelings - so, now that I’m learning to identify my emotions and starting to feel them, she says in order to overcome this, I need to go back and actually deal with the feelings… I’m very scared I’m going to end up quitting again, or asking to move therapist to avoid the subject… I don’t want to do that, I actually have a good connection with her, and I trust her, I just really can’t face having to take this on. What do I do?
I say go with a pace that works for you. It is going to be intense so maybe possibly take it in small pieces at a time. Talk to your therapist and let her know that it is intense for you and that you need to go slow. Remember you are braver than you think and being in counseling is on of the bravest things anyone can do because it allows you to examine your pain and go forward. Keep hanging in there and do what you think is best.
Quitting counseling because things are tough, and hard to talk about isn’t a great choice for you, or your recovery Kayla. And I think you know this too, deep down you do. At the end of the day, nobody can convince you to stay in therapy you have to want to stay in therapy, and it will only be effective if you want to get better and find healing from the situation.
Some days counseling is hard. Some days I leave therapy feeling worse then I did coming in, but that doesn’t mean that I should give up and stop going to therapy. Some of the toughest conversations are some of the most productive and healing conversations. You suppressing this members isn’t offering you any healing at all.
So at this point you kinda have to make a choice. You can either be strong, go back, and work through these experiences. Or you can not go back, and throw away the work you’ve done for x amount of time, and potentially put your recovery at risk once again.
we have to face our fears at some point and look it dead in the eye and say you will not control me.
I like what @mufcninja said take one step at a time you dont need to pour the whole jug of information out.
Your therapist sounds like they really know what they are talking about, if you look for another therapist they to will bring up the same subject. So you are running away from healing. If you trust her and want to heal and move forward you will over come this.
Oh my gosh I understand this feeling probably more than most things I’ve read so far.
I was sexually abused by my step grandfather and my biological grandfather on my moms side. One of them went on from around age 6 through my teen years. And even attempted at age 19 when I had to live with them while my husband at the time was in training for military. When I was 16 I was sexually assaulted by the neighbor. Twice.
From those moments on, I never really spoke about them to anyone. I was too afraid. And when I finally did it caused friction in our family. I was made out to be a liar and talked down upon. So for years and years I kept it to myself because the one time I came out about it I felt punished.
I never got to to talk about the details about what happened my entire childhood between me and my grandfather and how it affected me. I never got to share with anyone the impact it took on my life, my relationships and my intimate life. By the time I finally got a counselor (a year or so ago) I just didn’t know how to be open anymore. It has been so long, I had packed it all away and just managed to learn to look beyond it. I’ve kinda emotionally shut off from it. I’m not sure if this is good or bad. Did I learn to move on? Or did I just lock it away to ignore like brushing dust under a rug?
When my therapist wanted me to talk about it, she was asking for some pretty intense details. Of how I felt when it was happening. When it was going on. She wanted some deep deep emotions that I had just put away. She wanted me to write about it and then allow us to read through it. And like you I panicked and diverted. I tried but I have found that going back to dive deeply into these things so I can work through them, takes me to a very vulnerable state. And it’s scary
I was scared that I’d go into this vulnerable state so I could talk about it for an HOUR with her once a week but then get stuck in that emotional state. I was afraid Of the emotions I’d go through the rest of the week when I was alone. I was afraid of the nightmares, flashbacks and emotions that I would have to battle till I saw her next. So I ran from it and told her I wasn’t ready.
I was also going through divorce so maybe the time was just bad as I was already emotional and mentally drained.
But I think as a whole, as scary as this is, we need it. It’ll be hard to get through, but this is key to our emotional freedom. It’s not supposed to be easy. We just have to trust the process and trust our therapists. We CAN do this. And I hope that you can find a way to find peace in it my friend.
First of all, I love you so much and even though we’ve never met irl, I look up to you and I look forward to our interactions.
My story isn’t as “intense” as yours or @anon17277947 but it’s still related. I’ve touched on this a bit on stream but never went into detail. (I’m sorry if this is triggering for you, you don’t have to read it.)
In January of 2018 I was in a polyamorus relationship with my boyfriend of 3 years at the time and our boyfriend of about 1 month. We all ended up doing some “adult stuff” one night and it didn’t occur to me until after I had broken up with both of them that I think I was assaulted. It took me 4 months with a therapist to even start to think about that stuff with her. I mostly talked about my depression which wasn’t too hard for me. It wasn’t until end of Dec/beginning of Feb that I actually came in with the whole story. It took 4 months of therapy and 2 different people for me to come to terms with everything. As much as I hated talking about it, I KNEW I needed to talk about it or nothing would change - I would keep having breakdowns, anxiety attacks, and bad triggers unless I did something. It was NOT easy. But now I have fewer issues regarding everything (that’s not to say I will never struggle with it, but it’s not consuming my life anymore like it had been.) Anyways what I’m trying to say is, since you like your therapist, try to stick with her. Maybe you can tell her that you need to approach this topic a bit slower, or maybe you need to have a day where you just force everything out - and you know it’s gonna suck but it will be better once you do it. I like to write things down so I can read them when I get to therapy otherwise I get really anxious and forget what I’m gonna talk about. Anyways I hope that helps. Please try to stick with it, but we will love you regardless of your decision.
You trust this therapist, you trust this person to help you navigate these emotions. This will be difficult, but the amount of growth you’ll undergo when you navigate the trauma will be life changing.
I think you know that, baby steps, as small as they are, are still in a forward direction.
Go at your own pace, and be transparent with your therapist, but don’t expect this whole thing to be comfortable to go through. You’ve got this, and we’re here for you if you need an ear.
Honestly, for me, Kayla when it was brought up, I ran away too. That’s okay. It’s 100% a normal feeling because you’re trying to protect yourself from pain and trauma.
It took me about 3 sessions to talk it through. The first time it was brought up (at my first session), I told her I did not feel comfortable talking about it. After a few months of building up the communication, she came back to it and I started talking then I had a panic attack and told her “let’s try again next week.” The second week, I told her I didn’t want her to comment until the very end and that I was going to explain the situation fully and that I didn’t want the feedback in the middle, I just wanted to word vomit.
That’s a very long winded way to say: Take your time. Take care of yourself. It’s okay to take breaks and forgive yourself if it doesn’t go the way you thought it would.
