Back to heartsupport

Am I actually doing better?

So the other day, I came across a youtube video that I watched about a year ago. It was Boyinaband’s beard videos about growing his depression beard and shaving it off. I remember being gravitated towards it at the time because at the time of watching it. I related so much to what Dave explained about his experience. Like him, I was scared of continuing the work I needed to do over the fear that I was fulfilling what I used to want to do out of obligation. I couldn’t bear to work on any of my school work, even the assignments that I actually enjoyed. When I rewatched the video the other day, I noticed that I approach my school work differently now. I do not spend hours in bed terrified to do my work. I get up and have a routine that I try to follow and I actually accomplish my work. And honestly, I never noticed how big of a difference this is. I guess I kinda assumed that because the feeling still is there that nothing has totally changed. But seeing that the feeling now isn’t stopping me from functioning kinda helps. I don’t feel like I’m totally wasting time.
The only thing that still concers me is one line he said after Dave shaved his beard. He said something along the lines of like, “the Dave that was here the past few months was not same Dave I knew before.” Honestly, I hardcore feel that. The Beth I was in college is definitly not around anymore. And I miss her. I was definitly more bold and comfortable to be myself in front of others. I definetly had issues, but they didn’t stop me from doing what I loved. Now that I live at home again, I feel forced to be a totally different person that I do not like. I feel ashamed to be who I am because my enviroment isn’t welcoming to it or puts boundaries on certain aspects. I’m allowed to paint, but it can’t be “negative”. I’m allowed to make jokes, but they better not have the words “frick” “crap” or “fart” because that’s not ladylike. Include personal things like faith and my passions, and I feel like I have no control over anything. I’ve lost old passions because I know I can’t express intrest in them. I still feel like I’ve regressed to the person I was before college and feel debilitated from even dreaming about the future. I fear this feeling will stay long enough to put my life in a further tailspin after I move from home and I’ll end up in a worse enviroment.

3 Likes

It sounds like you did an amazing job of finding yourself! Getting better isn’t waking up one morning to a flute melody and having bluebirds bring you breakfast. It’s little changes that add up over time, changes that you may not notice day-to-day.

That said, going back to live at home puts you back in your old environment with old family dynamics. It’s inevitable. I and my siblings are all married, independent, and objectively successful, and even now we regress to shades of old family dynamics if we spend too much time together.

When my brother got out of rehab, he and my parents were strongly advised against him moving home for that reason–he had found a new version of himself, and putting that self back into an old setting could reverse it. Likewise, I know it’s really hard in the COVID economy and society, but moving out of your parents’ house would be the best way to get yourself back. It doesn’t mean you don’t love them or you can’t visit them, but you need to be free to be yourself.

2 Likes

Hey Beth,

Thank you so much for sharing those updates. :hrtlegolove:

But seeing that the feeling now isn’t stopping me from functioning kinda helps. I don’t feel like I’m totally wasting time.

That’s awesome! The feeling may still be there, but it’s not as paralyzing as it used to be. It sounds that you found the routine that works for you. Something that allows you to approach your school work with a different perspective. That’s indeed a powerful change! Also really positive to take some time to think about it as you just did here. Acknowledging your accomplishments is part of growth. You’re doing really good.

I still feel like I’ve regressed to the person I was before college and feel debilitated from even dreaming about the future.

Your fears and concerns are totally valid and understandable. Indeed, the environment you describe doesn’t sound like the most loving or comfortable place to be yourself. Lots of things that are not allowed and make you feel like something’s wrong with you - while of course there’s nothing wrong with being you. I felt that way many times when I had to visit my parents (or even when they came to my home). I don’t visit them anymore especially because I’m afraid of how it could impact me. That is certainly something that many people feel to a certain extent. That when you’re by yourself you’re progressing, changing, experiencing new things in your life, but when you’re at home again it’s like it belongs to the past and time has stopped there. So you fall back in the same patterns and feel like spiraling.

I fear this feeling will stay long enough to put my life in a further tailspin after I move from home and I’ll end up in a worse enviroment.

Again, that’s a valid fear. Though you can also see it like a season in your life, and eventually something that will, on the contrary, fill that desire to fight for a better environment after you’ll move from home. You’re aware that something’s wrong and somehow it’s not okay to feel like you have to be ashamed of yourself or lose interest in things that matter to you. That knowledge can also be a fuel for getting the life you deserve. A space where you can live your passions, express your creativity, live your faith and have dreams. The moment you will be in a new environment will be helpful, probably more that you can imagine right now. How things are right now won’t impact everything that you are, do or say forever. You’ll get that sense of freedom back. In the meantime, your life is not between parenthesis. You are still breathing, living, existing. Still there is a rich inner life in this soul of yours that is deserving of love and care. :hrtlegolove:

2 Likes

This topic was automatically closed 7 days after the last reply. New replies are no longer allowed.