I guess I’ll start from the beginning. My partner had an ex that was pretty abusive near the end of their relationship. Lots of gaslighting and just mental abuse. At the beginning of our relationship, there were many nights (if not in a row) where I would sit with them while they broke down and cried for seemingly no reason. They would dissociate and get flashbacks from their ex. This continued for more than a year, but it did get better over time. My partner had to go through lots of therapy because of him. My partner and their ex didn’t talk very much for good reason. The ex had also sent a text semi recently saying that he was gonna kill himself and that they were welcome to his funeral. A few months after that text he got arrested and put in jail. My partner decided they want to go to the hearing and get closure by seeing him get booked and sent to jail for many years. This is where my issue starts. We went to the hearing and he got out. Same day release. We learned that the things he was accused of weren’t entirely true so that’s why he got out. But now, my partner is communicating with their ex again. Almost daily. And it concerns me greatly. I know everything he’s done to them, and how much he’s mentally impacted them. They think he’s changed and matured and they said they might even trust him again. Now I’ve voiced my concern about this and it often turns into a fight. So id like to get some outside opinions. Am I being controlling by telling my partner who to not talk to and communicate with (it isn’t like I don’t let them talk at all, I’ve just said many times that I don’t like that they talk) or is it completely fair given the history of their relationship?
Hey friend,
From what you described, I think you are right to advise her to stay away from the ex. Abuse in any form is not okay and it sounds like they are having trouble letting go of the abuser. Cutting off that communication is hard, but necessary. Hopefully you can find a way to say what you need to say in a way that will let her know she isn’t being controlled, but that you care for her.
When I got into a relationship with my partner, we talked a lot about boundaries, what we wanted in a relationship, healthy expectations and very especially about the need of trust and communication. I also have 15 years of a previous relationship behind me that made me realize just how important some things are that I was just not getting before, that I just couldn’t be in a relationship without, moving forward.
Exes are extremely dangerous grounds for a healthy relationship most of the time. But this is not to say that it is impossible to carry a friendship with one. At the end of the day, only you two can decide on this.
Some questions for you:
- Why don’t you want your partner to talk to their ex? What about them bothers you?
- Do you trust that person? Why?
- Do you trust your partner? Why?
- Is this ex a potential problem to your current relationship?
- Why?
Some questions for your partner:
- Why do you want to talk to your ex?
- Do you think that your partner’s reason for not wanting you to talk to your ex is fair?
- If not, why?
- Do you trust your partner?
- If yes, do you trust their reasons for not wanting you to talk to your ex?
- If not, why?
- Is the communication with your ex, honestly healthy to your or your partner or serving any good to you or your relationship?
- Why?
For me, I value my partners feelings. And when we have differing feelings on something we talk about it and try to be open to each other. Even if we don’t agree, we try to be open to why those feelings exist. There has to be a reason. Usually their is a fair reason behind the feelings we both have. It’s really important to value each other in that way. To ask yourself deep down how much you value your relationship and if its really worth the other one. Is it worth the hurtful energy it’s causing. Is the person someone you can honestly see bringing positive energy to your home and life? Or is it just going to be an ongoing problem? Needless negative energy.
Sometimes, exes and previous relationships can fog our realistic and logical thinking. Emotions can get all disoriented. We let certain things on accident get in the way of our judgement. So it’s really important to talk it out with each other and get to the core of why feelings are as they are and what’s so important about the communication of the other.
It’s also true that, even if they are doing better, that maybe it still isn’t the best choice. In our lives, we will have relationships and friendships with people that may at some point be better to leave as is and step away. Sometimes letting go is the best thing you can do for you, the other person and your partner. I don’t know the history of your partner and their ex so I can’t properly say.
It is not unreasonable for you to feel this way, however. Based on the information that you gave. Your feelings are still valid. This isn’t to say that your partner’s feelings aren’t valid. But, I think going over those questions together would be good. Why is this relationship with the ex so important to you? And how does it effect your current relationship?
If your relationship is serious and long term, it’s important to put it first. To protect and nurture it. Let go of those who may get in the way of it.
Is it worth you guys fighting over?
I know it’s hard sometimes, cutting ties off with someone that you cared for previously. That you shared a closeness to. But sometimes even if it’s hurtful, the hurt that it’s causing your relationship and current partner isn’t worth it. You instead work together to come through it.
Perhaps they can block the ex on social media when you guys are ready. Block and delete the phone number. Block all communication. It may hurt. But time heals. And your relationship will thank you for it.
I don’t know. I’m not you or your partner. Im just an outside opinion. And sometimes outside opinions can be intrusive. Especially when I know who your partner is.
I don’t want to hurt either of your feelings. I’m a friend. I care for both of your feelings. If you guys want to talk more privately together or separately in a place of no judgement, DM me. Okay? Here, on facebook or on discord.
Love you guys.
- Kitty