Not really sure where to start this. So I guess I will first start off with apologies. I’m sorry for not being around anymore and not being active in this community, a community that I love so much, and a community that has done wonders in my life, that honestly being an understatement. I’m sorry for those of you that I’ve let down, and those of you that tried to be there and be supportive, and I just continued to fail you for that I’m sorry.
To say that I’ve been going through a lot would be an understatement. But I’ve been hiding, I’ve stayed in contact with a few from heart support very minimally. Just to pretty much say hey I’m still alive, and I’m here, encouraging them to not worry about me, but let’s be honest we all know that’s not how it works… So what am I getting out here, after having a tough conversation with Danjo tonight, breaking, and finally being completely honest with someone about everything (stuff that nobody else knows) I’m here, looking for support and insight.
So first off, I had recently made a post about my friend taking his own life, that’s continued to be a daily struggle for me, as we all grieve his passing, and sit with a lot of unanswered questions. I carry a lot of guilt along with that, and believe that there was something more that I could have said or done to make him not take his own life. As most of you guys know, and the post I’ve made previously I recently left what most would see as an abusive relationship. This was extremely tough for me as I loved him, and I still really do love him. Well I got word from a mutual friend of ares, that he’s in the hospital because he attempted to take his own life. This is currently eating me alive, and I carry ALL the guilt on this, because if I wouldn’t have left he wouldn’t have been alone, and he wouldn’t have attempted to take his own life. I want so badly to contact him… just so he knows that I care… and that he’s worth so much more… Should I?? Is it okay to contact him? I’m just afraid that it’s going to lead me once again down a road I don’t want to go.
After having some health issues the last couple months, I finally broke down and went to the doctor. The news that I received is scary, and life changing, and boy I was not ready for it. I was informed that I have cysts on my ovaries. And my first thought goes to I have cancer and I’m dying. When the doctors told me this I instantly broke down, and told myself that this was the end. The doctors said that there’s a chance that it could be cancer… and there’s an even larger chance that I will never be able to have children. I walked out of the doctors office without saying another word, I’ve ignored every phone call for a follow up because I’m scared… to explain better I’m terrified. I’m not ready to die… I’m too young…There’s a possibility that this isn’t cancer, rather it is PCOS (Poly cystic Ovary Syndrome). But either way I’m terrified, and have refused to go to the doctor in order to hopefully not receive the bad news and fate that is coming. This alone has caused me to lose so much sleep. I’m only able to sleep about two hours a night because I’m so afraid of dying in my sleep.
So to add onto this school starts in a week, and I just don’t know if I can handle all of this. I don’t know what battle to tackle first, and I’m just scared and overwhelmed. I’ve turned back to my old ways of drugs (xanax that aren’t prescribed), and self harm to try to mask this pain that I’m feeling. I lost the person that I was dependent on and now have become dependent on this. I’m at a lost for words, and I just don’t know what to do. I can’t handle all of this… please someone help… somehow… someway
Sorry for the long worded, and drawn out post. It was something I needed to do, and was encouraged to do!