Am I Dying? I'm Scared

Not really sure where to start this. So I guess I will first start off with apologies. I’m sorry for not being around anymore and not being active in this community, a community that I love so much, and a community that has done wonders in my life, that honestly being an understatement. I’m sorry for those of you that I’ve let down, and those of you that tried to be there and be supportive, and I just continued to fail you for that I’m sorry.

To say that I’ve been going through a lot would be an understatement. But I’ve been hiding, I’ve stayed in contact with a few from heart support very minimally. Just to pretty much say hey I’m still alive, and I’m here, encouraging them to not worry about me, but let’s be honest we all know that’s not how it works… So what am I getting out here, after having a tough conversation with Danjo tonight, breaking, and finally being completely honest with someone about everything (stuff that nobody else knows) I’m here, looking for support and insight.

So first off, I had recently made a post about my friend taking his own life, that’s continued to be a daily struggle for me, as we all grieve his passing, and sit with a lot of unanswered questions. I carry a lot of guilt along with that, and believe that there was something more that I could have said or done to make him not take his own life. As most of you guys know, and the post I’ve made previously I recently left what most would see as an abusive relationship. This was extremely tough for me as I loved him, and I still really do love him. Well I got word from a mutual friend of ares, that he’s in the hospital because he attempted to take his own life. This is currently eating me alive, and I carry ALL the guilt on this, because if I wouldn’t have left he wouldn’t have been alone, and he wouldn’t have attempted to take his own life. I want so badly to contact him… just so he knows that I care… and that he’s worth so much more… Should I?? Is it okay to contact him? I’m just afraid that it’s going to lead me once again down a road I don’t want to go.

After having some health issues the last couple months, I finally broke down and went to the doctor. The news that I received is scary, and life changing, and boy I was not ready for it. I was informed that I have cysts on my ovaries. And my first thought goes to I have cancer and I’m dying. When the doctors told me this I instantly broke down, and told myself that this was the end. The doctors said that there’s a chance that it could be cancer… and there’s an even larger chance that I will never be able to have children. I walked out of the doctors office without saying another word, I’ve ignored every phone call for a follow up because I’m scared… to explain better I’m terrified. I’m not ready to die… I’m too young…There’s a possibility that this isn’t cancer, rather it is PCOS (Poly cystic Ovary Syndrome). But either way I’m terrified, and have refused to go to the doctor in order to hopefully not receive the bad news and fate that is coming. This alone has caused me to lose so much sleep. I’m only able to sleep about two hours a night because I’m so afraid of dying in my sleep.

So to add onto this school starts in a week, and I just don’t know if I can handle all of this. I don’t know what battle to tackle first, and I’m just scared and overwhelmed. I’ve turned back to my old ways of drugs (xanax that aren’t prescribed), and self harm to try to mask this pain that I’m feeling. I lost the person that I was dependent on and now have become dependent on this. I’m at a lost for words, and I just don’t know what to do. I can’t handle all of this… please someone help… somehow… someway

Sorry for the long worded, and drawn out post. It was something I needed to do, and was encouraged to do!


@Monkey pour out everything and anything you want on here.
I’m very sorry for your loss. it hurts, i know. Keep living, for him. To keep your memory and love of him alive.
It’s not your fault, your friend could’ve tried taking his own life at any time. You can’t be everywhere. Talk to him, and if you feel yourself slipping down that road, talk to us. We’re here to pull you back up. Let him know what he’s worth, tell him to talk on here.
Don’t give up, take one problem at a time.
If you are never able to have children, you can still adopt. I know it hurts, and there’s no miracle fairy solution. Please don’t give up. I have faith in you. Have HOPE, i know you still have fight in you.

Stay strong

Hey @Monkey,

Wow! That is a lot all at once for you to handle. I am so sorry that you are going through all of this, but I am glad that you posted it and were vulnerable about it all! And you’re not failing anyone, you are going through a really tough time… don’t beat yourself up on top of it.

I am so sorry to hear about the passing about your friend. I also recently lost someone to suicide and I don’t think you every really get over it. You just learn to keep going and honour their memory by living your life to the fullest - which is sometimes the absolute hardest thing that you can do!

You are not responsible for your other friends attempt. When I made my attempt, it wasn’t to the fault of anyone else - it was a choice I made. But I understand that it can be hard not to think and feel this way. In regards to contacting him… it’s a tough call, if you think it will affect your personal wellbeing or safety than maybe don’t. Or just send a quick message saying that are sorry about his circumstances and are thinking of him ect. but don’t let it go further than you feel able to handle or deal with in a healthy manner.

I am so sorry to hear about your health issues - that’s so tough. But just remember it isn’t the end yet, even if it turns out to be the worst case, it isn’t over yet!!! You are a fighter and I believe in you!
Returning to the doctor to get the tests/results sooner could actually even help - if its PCOS could lift an incredibly heavy weight off of your shoulders and if it is cancer, getting treatment sooner could help impact the success rate.

We are all here for you as you battle through all of this. You a fighter and have a community standing behind you. Please don’t give up.


Thank you for sharing this difficult situation with us. I understand where you’re coming from but try not to feel guilty about not being around as much as you’d like. You clearly have your own things going on in your life and you don’t need to apologize for that.

You have a specific question here that I think is important to directly address. None of us are omniscient and therefor are always making decisions with incomplete information. This means that there is always a chance that we may make the “wrong” decision when looking back with hindsight but as long as it seemed like the “right” decision at the time with the information we had, then it was the “best” one to make.

All that being said, I can only speak for myself, and I know very little of the specifics of your situation but regret is a terrible feeling to deal with as it’s one that gets worse over time rather than better. It seems like you really want to contact your ex-boyfriend and it seems to me like you should so that you’re not left with the regret of feeling like you could or should have done something more. You have to weigh the potential feeling of regret with the potential feeling of being led down a road you don’t want to go and unfortunately you’re the only one who can make that call.

Just remember that regardless of whether the decision turns out to be the “right” or “wrong” one in hindsight, it will be the “best” decision you could have made given the situation and all the information you had! Also remember that regardless of the outcome, you “shouldn’t” feel guilty although it’s totally normal and understandable to feel that way.

We love you here and support you through all of this!

Raffi (Shnaff) :smiley:

sorry you’re going through this monkey, i believe in you <3

Monkey I am so sorry about all of this but until you go back you are never going to know what it is. I am going to say this that you really are so important and your health needs to come first.

I am going to say that I want you to know that no matter what happens when you get to go to that doctor again that you know that it doesnt change who you are.

I would not want to go back and change things because the path of our lives because we would not be where we are right now. I know how easy it is to want to look back at it but it is not a good idea

I am going to say this that none of this is on your monkey None of it is on you. I know it is hard to believe that but remember that it is not on you.

NO ONE DESERVES ABUSE I mean it no one deserves it we have to think about ourselves and protect ourselves

I will say that this is exactly something I have had to deal with when it came with my seizures. I had to figure out what it was I got freaking scared. Like even now I am scared I have had issues with them being worse than normal. It takes actually going and getting it looked at. Health issues suck but you can make it through the health issues.

The puzzle pieces of our lives are not in place yet they are being put into it but it is not finished dont force the pieces.

hold fast

Sorry you’re going through so much, monkey =\ I really hope better days come for you. Please, take the calls, any medical issue is easier to treat the sooner you start, so, please, rise your chances as soon as you can. Sorry for the friend you lost. I’m don’t see how any of this can possibly your fault and believe it’s a lot more likely that you were making things easier for him all the time and helped him hold on for longer. We’re here for you.

@Monkey Here is the link to the video response HERE

We love you.
Hold Fast.