Am I falling apart?

All of my emotions are so raw lately. I’m ready to yell, scream, fight, cry- anything. I’ve wondered for awhile if I’m bipolar but I have never been to a psychologist. Every time I’m happy I think everything is perfect and wonderful and sunshine and fucking daisies. When I’m low, I’m scared of myself. I want to argue with everyone, and I want to be so self destructive. Right now all I want to do is bleed but I’m also too lazy to do anything. Then I start to wonder wow, you can’t even hurt yourself you’re so unmotivated, why are you here? I feel like I’m begging for help but when I take a step back and look at my actions I see myself being a wall and crying in private. I want to hurt myself badly but the worst part after the act is showering. No matter how depressed I get I always shower. It’s my place to be me. And I love the sound for some reason.

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If you enjoy showering, next time you feel you want to hurt yourself you should try taking a shower. Let yourself relax

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I would live in my shower and I’d run out of Hot water lol

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Have you tried doing it before?

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I’m currently waiting to get into the shower. I’ve sat in the shower for an hour before calming myself.

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That’s great that you were able to calm down! And if it takes an hour, then it takes an hour. Being safe is much more important

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@icecream,

Thank you for taking the courage and step to reach out and share what you are going through right now, it truly takes a lot to be so vulnerable and transparent.

You must be feeling so trapped into what you feel you can’t control and the emotions that run high so often and for that I am genuinely sorry.

Have you ever thought about seeking medical help and advice? I’m not saying that is the issue, but it may be helpful to actively describe verbally to a medical professional to guide you through what you may be experiencing, potentially the best way to deal with it, and simply give you clarity.

How is your support right now in your life (Friends, family, etc.)? I ask this because at the end of the day, life is so hard and I can’t imagine what you are going through. What I do know is that it is even worse when you feel that you are in this alone. You should never have to be in a place where you don’t have friends and family that are there for you and to walk alongside you.

Lastly, you are valued and you are worth more that what you are dealing with. I sincerely hope that things change for you and what you are going through.

Please let me know if there is anything I can do to support or help in any way I can. We are here for you!

-L

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Sometimes I just feel like I’m drowning. I see the few people who know my current state and I see them trying to grab my hand but the emotional rocks attached to me keep me from getting help. No one knew the extent how badly I was depressed until recently. I have the most supportive husband who I’m pretty sure will end up dragging me to therapy or a hospital. Last year I had dissociated and ended up cutting myself badly. When I finally had the courage to tell him he told me everything would be ok and he helped me find what triggered me and how to pull myself out of it. He did tell me if that had happened again he would have me go to a hospital for my own protection though.

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The highs are high and the lows are low. I’ve been there and it took a long time for me to realize myself acting that way. It’s honestly great that you’re able to see it. When I need to wind down I take a long bath and just escape. There’s nothing wrong with that if thats how you relax and take in everything. Keep doing that if it helps!

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Hey @icecream,

I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re currently going through. I would highly recommend seeing a psychologist/psychiatrist. Because they are trained professionals, they can diagnose you, if needed. This would be the first step in the healing process; trust me, you’ll feel so much better, especially since you’ll have professional answers to your most difficult questions. In the meantime, know that you have us! Thank you for reaching out. We care about you. Please keep us updated!

-Eric