Im done , im done feeling like im not good enough in their eyes. apparently im not the person who they want they want me to be. Im tired of feeling like absolute SHIT because im not the “daughter” or “human” they want me to be. im tired of being walked on / being walked on behind my back. this is so frustrating because im this broken record because they tore me down. I cant even write this because of how broken , how worthless , and how im not good enough. I know that people love me but it just doesnt seem like it.
2020 was supposed to be a year where i didnt have any of this drama to deal with. But guess what. Its happening . but hey i guess its always going to be like this no matter what.
I am just done pretending im alright when im not. im tired of people making decisions for me like what am i 12? I dont understand why adults are treating a 20 year old like they think they know whats best for me . I am tired of being used as a puppet and having them control me . I am a person who would never a person who would speak up i was never a kid who would get suspended or expelled. Yes i did have issues in the past but im not the past anymore. And mostly i am done with people not going to me first before i am the one who has to listen to someone else say what YOU could of said to me if you were truly worried.
Then i wrote this screenshot it and it said:
" i hate how shes forcing me to do things. shes telling me my family is “worried” about me and not going olut and socializing. How about this, if my parents were really worried about me they should of came to me first. not my therapist. im 20 years old. come to me before you say shit behind my back. atleast one thing my therapist and i agreed upon is that you need to try to parent me and my sister so your girlfriend (not the therapist) doesnt over step the line. i know you love her but what are you trying to do so me and her dont butt heads huh??? it just sucks how im stuck in the middle of being told this and that. you thinking you know whats best for me . i dont actually know. right now actually, me not seeing your girlfriend is probably the best idea you’ve ever made. ive been fine not butting heads with her. im probably getting my anger out im sorry im just frustrated."
i just cant anymore. When it came to my therapist telling me i need to hang with my friends , it felt like i was forced to but not on my terms. every decision they make , im forced to do it . im forced to do what you think whats best. I have litterly no effing say in the damage thats already done. NO ONE is listening to me.
Also , my dad told me that he told me " im not forcing you to do stuff you dont want to do ." like are you saying this because i went to my mom to tell her you went behind my back ? or are you bing sincere about it? Now, i hhave to go to my dads feeling stressed and anxious because of my therapist giving me an assignment to “hang with friends on the weekend”. i dont think she understands that i DONT WANT TO on her terms. I dont know if i can stand up for my self anymore without being walked on . i just want to give up on what i have/ what i have learned . Nothing is helping me anymore . i want to give up. I AM JUST DONE. I dont see therapy useful anymore besides that im being used as a pupet to talk about whats going on and how the hell im feeling when something goes wrong.
anyways thanks for reading .
I’ve been reading what you regularly shared on Discord and here about your relationship with your family. It sounds that there is a kind of spiral that brings you to the same frustration again and again. I’m sorry about that. Unfortunately, relationship changes are generally really slow and need a ot of patience.
I don’t know what kind of daughter/human they want you to be. But communication is definitely something that has to be worked on to understand everyone’s intentions. Even if you’re not used to do this, you can all try to set some boundaries alltogether, as it sounds to be a huge issue between you and your parents. 2020 is only beginning. Even if there’s “drama” for the moment, it doesn’t mean it’s not going to be a good year to you.
I don’t know the details of all of this, but I guess that maybe your parents struggle with treating you as an adult because they’re worried about you. There are a lot of parents who don’t really know how to let their children live as they want, even when they’re adults. You know, I’m 26, I’m married, I’m living by my own since I’m 16 but it took a long time before my parents stopped to give advices all the time and try to intervene in everything. I had to let go myself of a bunch of things related to how they behave generally. Just a silly example: the rare time they visited me where I live, they couldn’t help but bringing a bunch of food “just in case”. It frustrated me for years because I saw this as a way to tell me that they didn’t trust me and my capacity to handle myself. But despite all the difficult things we’ve been through in this family, I started to see this as a way for them to say they actually care about me. In a very ankward way to me, but as we’re not used to say “I love you” in this family I’ve learned to accept this.
Your feelings are absolutely valid. I’m really not trying to diminish them. Just give yourself and your parents some time. You’re all learning and progressing at your own pace. You’ll manage to set the boundaries you need in your life. But it needs a clear and respectful communication between all of you.
I really hope that talking with your therapist could help. The time you spend with them are still yours and you can still use it the way you want or need. If you feel like even you’re therapist isn’t listening to you, then tell them about this. It’s really important to be honest with them, especially when you feel misunderstood, as it can help you both to improve your therapy and how it goes.
Hold fast, Ashley. There are ups and downs but you’re gonna be okay.
thanks for responding @Micro , yeah i deff. agree with you . and im trying to be as patient as i can be.My parents are divorced. i never really have this issue with my mom unless she makes a snarky comment of calling a living thing a “piece of shit” saying thats how she loves them … My dad on the other hand thats another store . hes just put so much on the plate , i just dont know what to do with and stuff i just feel like its making it worse.
I litterly dont understand how my therapist would help . cause i was forced into it and my dad tells her everything about what hes “concerned about” when he doesnt come to me first. even tho i do hate to admit it , it has helped . but i just wish the therapy were to stop.