Am I Safe? What does that word even mean?

Let me preface this post saying this, I love you guys and I love this community. Although I’ve taken a step back from some of the community things doesn’t mean that I don’t love the community and I don’t love you guys, I just have to take a step back and connect with a small group of trusted people that I feel SAFE with, which brings me into the topic of this post.

The constant feeling of not feeling safe anywhere I go. It’s something I’ve struggled with for some time whether it’s people that I know I’m safe with, or the people that I know I shouldn’t feel safe with. I’ve been in abusive relationships, grew up in an abusive household and it was just something that I got used to. So when the community came to me with love and support, I was scared, I ran and I still do.

Without getting into much detail I’m in what I call a “safe support group” in discord made up of a few people from the heart support community I really love and trust, and I often times just freak out and leave because I don’t feel safe. And I’ve attempted to work through these feelings, and why i feel this way I just don’t get it. It doesn’t really make sense to me. I know I’m safe with these people, I love these people, but the more I open up, the more scared I get, and the more I run away.

So I’m writing this post in an odd place. For those of you guys who aren’t in the discord, I shared a video in dream crushers, of me pouring my Xanax and pain pills down the toilet. I’ve struggled with an addiction to those things secretly for a while. I used them as a way to cope with things going on instead of handling the problems going on. And I’m slowly trying to make steps towards my recover.

But it’s so freaking hard. I constantly relapse, and I count my relapses as failures. I feel like I’m a let down to those in my support circle, to myself, and to the community. But I love this community so freaking much. And I’ve been trying to mentor and help people in the discord and in my life as well, and when I have to point them back to the support wall I feel like I’m failing as a friend. I’ve tried so hard to convince people to let me go back to them, but i can’t. I’m hurting and my cup is empty, I have nothing left to pour. And it’s so hard for me to be in a spot that I can’t be that shoulder to cry on, but now I’m the one needing the shoulder to cry on.

I’m scared of what’s to come. I don’t know where this road to recovery is leading. Even as I’m typing this post my anxiety is high… i feel unsafe… and i want to turn to drugs to cope! Just know I love this community, and I love all of you guys! Hold fast always!

Adding onto this tonight I made what I feel like is another step towards recovery. I recently found the suicide note I wrote a year ago, and well I shredded it by hand, along with the letter to my ex bf Michael, and flushed them both down the toilet. Sorry if you feel like I’m flaunting these things I’m not, more so just part of my story.

Hold Fast! Don’t Give Up!
Love always,


Hey friend,
I understand how you feel. It’s hard, i know. I understand why you would get scared. Its TOTALLY, TOTALLY Understandable. You are on the road to recovery. You’re doing great and you’re making good progress! Yes, we all fail sometimes, but the good news is that your failures don’t define who you are. I know it may be hard, but looking in the mirror each day and say to yourself “I am not defined, by my mistakes.” Say it more than once if you need to but this will help. Let your words speak life to others and especially yourself. You’re doing great man! God’s got you! And He’d be more than happy to be the shoulder you lean on. He’s there, i promise :slight_smile:
Hold fast! You’re doing great :slight_smile:

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Dude, this is incredible. Great work!!! You are such a fighter, Monkey. You are making beautiful progress, and I admire the way that you’re able to feel these things…AND fight back! You are making huge strides, and I am proud of you.

The reason you feel unsafe is because any time you trusted your parents to be there (trust = feel safe), they let you down. Anytime you loved someone, they left you. It feels like by trusting in your heart, you’re setting yourself up for major disappointment, so you’d rather leave as soon as you start to feel safe because you have this association with “trust => ‘safe’ => more pain when they leave, because they always do”. Your feelings make total sense with your story. You’re not crazy. You are also actually safe here. Which I don’t doubt will take time to wrap your mind around. But you’re safe because this time God’s got you, and he promises never to leave you or forsake you. You ARE safe.


You are not alone or the only one who have “failed”. Remember you are not a failure until you give up and quit. You are no quitter.

I am cheering for you.

I’m previously “SmashedNintendo” and many things have changed. What I can share with you is that,even having the most comforting of people around,i.e support system,as I have just falln in love… Yes, I know…the difference might not seem like it’s possible,but it is!!! Hold Fast!!! -Kara