Let me preface this post saying this, I love you guys and I love this community. Although I’ve taken a step back from some of the community things doesn’t mean that I don’t love the community and I don’t love you guys, I just have to take a step back and connect with a small group of trusted people that I feel SAFE with, which brings me into the topic of this post.
The constant feeling of not feeling safe anywhere I go. It’s something I’ve struggled with for some time whether it’s people that I know I’m safe with, or the people that I know I shouldn’t feel safe with. I’ve been in abusive relationships, grew up in an abusive household and it was just something that I got used to. So when the community came to me with love and support, I was scared, I ran and I still do.
Without getting into much detail I’m in what I call a “safe support group” in discord made up of a few people from the heart support community I really love and trust, and I often times just freak out and leave because I don’t feel safe. And I’ve attempted to work through these feelings, and why i feel this way I just don’t get it. It doesn’t really make sense to me. I know I’m safe with these people, I love these people, but the more I open up, the more scared I get, and the more I run away.
So I’m writing this post in an odd place. For those of you guys who aren’t in the discord, I shared a video in dream crushers, of me pouring my Xanax and pain pills down the toilet. I’ve struggled with an addiction to those things secretly for a while. I used them as a way to cope with things going on instead of handling the problems going on. And I’m slowly trying to make steps towards my recover.
But it’s so freaking hard. I constantly relapse, and I count my relapses as failures. I feel like I’m a let down to those in my support circle, to myself, and to the community. But I love this community so freaking much. And I’ve been trying to mentor and help people in the discord and in my life as well, and when I have to point them back to the support wall I feel like I’m failing as a friend. I’ve tried so hard to convince people to let me go back to them, but i can’t. I’m hurting and my cup is empty, I have nothing left to pour. And it’s so hard for me to be in a spot that I can’t be that shoulder to cry on, but now I’m the one needing the shoulder to cry on.
I’m scared of what’s to come. I don’t know where this road to recovery is leading. Even as I’m typing this post my anxiety is high… i feel unsafe… and i want to turn to drugs to cope! Just know I love this community, and I love all of you guys! Hold fast always!
Adding onto this tonight I made what I feel like is another step towards recovery. I recently found the suicide note I wrote a year ago, and well I shredded it by hand, along with the letter to my ex bf Michael, and flushed them both down the toilet. Sorry if you feel like I’m flaunting these things I’m not, more so just part of my story.
Hold Fast! Don’t Give Up!
Love always,
Monkey
