Today, 5/21, I went to Walmart since I needed a few things. One of those things was in the clothing section. Ya know the plastic things that hold the price cards to the bar that the clothes hang on? Yeah, one of the corners was sharp and it scratched my arm enough that it bled pretty good. I would normally be fine with this happening, but it was in the same exact spot I used when I cut myself for the first time. The weirdest thing happened in Walmart though since when I got scratched, I didn’t wince or draw back in pain. I smiled. It was brief, but it happened. I know that it did. I thought about what would’ve happened if I had done it on purpose a few more times. I didn’t, but I thought about it pretty hard. Now, as I write this, I have the thought on my mind to end my clean streak. The way I got scratched felt…good. I hate to admit it, but it did. It brought me back to the moment that I did it for the first time on purpose. I don’t want to get back into that habit, but damn…it felt nice to have that release just for a split second.
this is a pretty good self-report i’d say, you experienced something and can identify the thoughts that followed.
But this also has to be weighed with the long-term benefits that your clean-streak has afforded you. The thing about SH is like with addiction, it seems to promise a quick feel good moment, but it doesn’t remind us how hard it is to control, or how powerless we feel afterwards.
it’s a reward system that gets activated in the brain that is really really hard to undo once it gets started. Is there another physical activity you could do that could get you out of your head for a second? I like to suggest henna/mehendi, you can feel the drag of the cone on your skin, but also create beautiful art. the concentration o the pattern, and afterwards waiting for it to dry can all be tied in with mindfulness exercises.
I applaud your honesty in this post, and the vulnerability. I’m glad you honoured the moment and you didn’t do another intentional scratch.
You’re loved and you matter.
Hey, thank you so much for sharing here.
It can be really scary to find yourself so close to the edge of an old habit - and it’s really brave of you to have talked about it here. Again, thank you!
Something that helps me in dark moments is being around and talking with people. They don’t have to be established friends - they can be totally new friends-in-the-making!
Please know that even as a stranger, I care about you and want you to be well.
Hi there @FaeTheProud,
Thank you for sharing here. That sounds like a situation that could elicit many emotions, from those positive bursts of endorphins to negative feelings like shame or worry. When you got scratched a few days back, it sounds like it felt good and that makes a lot of sense when you consider any habits you may have had around self-harming in the past.
I understand those conflicting feelings. Wanting those little positive feelings that come with self-harm, but still needing to take into account that it’s not a healthy way to manage emotions and can become habitual. That’s hard. With that said, I’m glad that you didn’t end up self-harming (at the point when you posted). I’m proud of you for posting – for trying to find healthier outlets for emotions.
You matter and I’m glad that you’re here. Congrats on having a clean streak; I hope you’re able to keep that up.
<3 Tuna
PS: Your username and pfp always bring a smile to my face. Thanks for those too! 