An introduction

HeartSupport Support
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Hi all,

I’ve read quite a lot of encouraging blogs on HeartSupport over the years and I even have Jake’s book. All this content has really helped me tremendously.

I joined this online community last December when I had a mental breakdown after learning from my brother’s wife that her daughter was sexually assaulted by her late brother. She is such a sweetheart, barely entering her teenage years, and it just killed me inside knowing this actually happened by none other than someone I thought was a cherished person in the family. Mind you, her brother was killed a couple years before in a terrible car accident. I never met him but after his death I always felt pity for my brother’s wife. But this new revelation completely altered my perception. After her mom told me about the assault she showed me a poem her daughter wrote that basically described her contemplating suicide and self-harm.

I just couldn’t bear the thought that a pre-teen was having such thoughts, but then I remembered I was cutting my own writs at the age of 13. I too went through some tough times as a kid growing up in a toxic, abusive environment. I tried to reassure her that she is not alone. After a little heart-to-heart I ended up stealing some alcohol from my brother and his wife, and drove home super inebriated. My heart was just so heavy I thought drinking would lighten the load but it only made me focus on everything even more. I had a little existential crisis and panic attack and ended up passing out over my phone while trying to dial the crisis hotline.

The next couple days I kept thinking about my reaction and knowing that I’m not alright but also understanding that it’s ok not to be alright. That’s why I joined – to get seek encouragement.

I have read in, on and off, never actually posting a thing however. I’ve always kept to myself, somewhat bashful but also appearing independent. I know I can’t go on like that forever though. After 8 months, I’m ready to break the silence.

There is still a whole lot more to me and my story so I hope to share some of it as time passes by. In the mean time, I will make the effort to provide genuine encouragement to others in need.

Remember, you are not alone in this. We are all in this together. We will endure.

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This is going to be rude. It’s also important. You told us about your niece and the only person who should be saying anything online about your niece is your niece (unless she gave you express permission to post what you have). This is a secret that your niece can unseal when she is ready to share it and to whom she is ready to share it with. I don’t want your niece to ever come across her story online and harm herself in any way because her secret got out before she was ready for it to be out.

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You have a valid point @George_Mallory. I appreciate the honesty. I have kept this in mind which is why I have expressed anonymity; no names, places, etc.

I just feel I had to share because it was the ultimate trigger that led me to this supportive community.

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I have been trying figure out what to post for days. Anytime I try to type something out, I have to erase it. I don’t know this subject, so I don’t think that I’ll be good at it. And I’m really scared about the answer to this question because I don’t know if I can help. Why did finding out about your niece drive you to an existential crisis?

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Nothing is going to get out. This is a place you can come take refuge without judgement.

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I pondered this question myself. I guess I always thought that terrible things always happened to other people, not those close to you, ya know? There’s also a lot that I bottled up. I’m the type of person who builds up walls, so I don’t have a lot of close friends or family. I mean, I get along with a lot of people relatives and non, but nothing really intimate. So I guess for my sis-in-law to tell me this info was just extremely heavy for me and there was nothing for to do about it. I mean, did want her to know there is hope, but I’m just not the type of person to open up. I also was abusing alcohol at the time so maybe that played a part in my mental instability. Mind you, this was roughly 10 months ago. A lot has happened since then. I have cut out some toxic people from my life and made a lot of changes to better myself. I know I can’t help others until I help myself. I much rather set a good example than a bad one.