I’ve read quite a lot of encouraging blogs on HeartSupport over the years and I even have Jake’s book. All this content has really helped me tremendously.
I joined this online community last December when I had a mental breakdown after learning from my brother’s wife that her daughter was sexually assaulted by her late brother. She is such a sweetheart, barely entering her teenage years, and it just killed me inside knowing this actually happened by none other than someone I thought was a cherished person in the family. Mind you, her brother was killed a couple years before in a terrible car accident. I never met him but after his death I always felt pity for my brother’s wife. But this new revelation completely altered my perception. After her mom told me about the assault she showed me a poem her daughter wrote that basically described her contemplating suicide and self-harm.
I just couldn’t bear the thought that a pre-teen was having such thoughts, but then I remembered I was cutting my own writs at the age of 13. I too went through some tough times as a kid growing up in a toxic, abusive environment. I tried to reassure her that she is not alone. After a little heart-to-heart I ended up stealing some alcohol from my brother and his wife, and drove home super inebriated. My heart was just so heavy I thought drinking would lighten the load but it only made me focus on everything even more. I had a little existential crisis and panic attack and ended up passing out over my phone while trying to dial the crisis hotline.
The next couple days I kept thinking about my reaction and knowing that I’m not alright but also understanding that it’s ok not to be alright. That’s why I joined – to get seek encouragement.
I have read in, on and off, never actually posting a thing however. I’ve always kept to myself, somewhat bashful but also appearing independent. I know I can’t go on like that forever though. After 8 months, I’m ready to break the silence.
There is still a whole lot more to me and my story so I hope to share some of it as time passes by. In the mean time, I will make the effort to provide genuine encouragement to others in need.
Remember, you are not alone in this. We are all in this together. We will endure.