Recently, I have found out that an alter that we had assumed to be dormant, has actually integrated with me. This was a shocking discovery and not one that I expected, and I’m not sure how I’m handling it.
For the longest time, I had always assumed we would never integrate. It didn’t seem like something we ever needed to do. We could work as a team and still be separate. It worked well enough for me. So when I realized Lilliana had integrated, I was confused as to why. None of us ever had the thought of integrating before, so why now?
I didn’t know it at first. It started with gender questioning. Wondering why I was suddenly ok with my chest, and wanting to express my femininity more. However then, it moved to the heavy stuff. I developed an eating disorder (which Lilliana had) and I was remembering all the times my parents shamed me on my weight. Then it hit me as to why.
Although I’m not entirely upset about it. While I do wish Lilliana was still around as herself, and not a part of me, part of me knows this means that we healed from something. Unless it was forced dormancy from our persecutor. Our persecutor has the ability to tear us into fragments and force us to integrate. It’s a horrific process that luckily, I’ve never been the victim of, but perhaps, he forced Lilliana into integrating with me. Though I feel I would have known if he did.
I wonder if in the future I’ll wake up and realize that yet another one of my headmates has integrated with me. I wonder if maybe one day we’ll be one again. I truly don’t know. But this has been an interesting experience to say the least.
I only have a couple of really close friends and I am quite content with that, as I tend to be fairly self-contained. However, if one of these very close friends shows up at my door unexpectedly, it feels as though they are being a bit invasive, and I feel unprepared for the company. I’d still completely love the friend, but that doesn’t preclude being irritated with her in that unexpected moment.
So, Lilliana has taken you by surprise, as though she was asleep in another room, and you didn’t realize she was home until she was there in front of you. It sounds as though you were initially unsettled, but even then recognized the benefit of the two of you becoming closer.
I had a lot of problems growing up, including being weight shamed for as long as I attended school. I was an emotional eater, and the available food wasn’t good nutritionally, therefore I was overweight and malnourished at the same time. My parents didn’t weight shame me. They were usually preoccupied with other things, and seemed to be indifferent regarding my problems. They didn’t even take me to the doctor when they should have. My brothers did weight shame me though. I think it would feel different to be weight shamed my parents, as they are supposed to know better. Something we have in common though, is whether it was intentional or not, our parents let us down.
Isn’t it amazing how we come to learn what NOT to do, based on among other things, family dysfunction? There was this author, Napoleon Hill, who was widely read in the 1950s. He said “every adversity carries within it the seed of equal or greater benefit.” I’m not sure about the equal or greater part, but I have found positive compensations derived from the stuff that I’ve gone through. Maybe that’s something you can talk to your headmates about.
hello there! I read the part where you say that it could mean that you’ve healed from something. I want to say I do hope this is it, and that you can be comfortable with the new addition, after you’ve gotten used to the surprise. Hoping that you and the headmates will be well and coexist and function in a positive manner