And thats how it is

Hi everyone. I hope you are doing well. I have been thinking about ending my life more often lately and… then intensions are becoming more real. I am stable one moment and then another I am not. I have not been feeling very happy lately. I think i want to die. I have been thinking about it more and more. The topic of my future is discussed around me more and more. I have been accepted to study sociology at a university where I live. But i do also have the option of studying psychology at a private university. The catch is that it is expensive. My parents are willing to to support me financially but here is the problem. They want to know this is what i want. That this is something i would really want to do.

The truth is I am not sure about that. Honestly I have dificulty thinking about my future. And many times I have wondered why. I think i know the answer now. I dont really want any future. I dont want anything from it. I dont need it. I exist in now because when I think about the future I cant see anything i would want to strife forward to or achieve. I didnt think i would be alive for this long. As a person who has chronical suicidal thoughts I just dont know if i will be here in another year. Many times when I want to die I am full of emotion and that still happends but many times it is also cold. Like stating facts. Thinking about dying like going for a walk. It actualy has a promise of peace to it.

Every time my i visit my mum she asks me if I still need my antidepressants. I told her that I probably always will. We have had this conversation before and she never accepts it. My parents want to know where do I see myself in the future. What do i want to do, but my mind is either set on survival or on self destruction. I dont have plans for myself. And a part of me really wants to die. To not care. To just accept my fate and let it happen. No more fighting and no more pain. I have tried to do it many times but what i know is that i know how I would do it if i decided it was time. So far my self preservation instinkts have kept me alive. But i know all it would take is one or two big hits to my mind and that would be the end of it. Thats the reality of it. Thats how it is.

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It’s hard for a person to decide on a career. Most who attend college have the same dilemma that you’re describing. Some pick a path and stick with it. Even more choose a degree program, and decide to change their major. It isn’t reasonable to expect a person to know exactly what they want to do with the rest of their lives. It’s very common for people to change careers, because as their experience increases, they see more options for ways to make a living.

It may help to look at the curriculums of both programs, and see which one offers the most subjects you would find interesting. My vote would be for the psychology program, because as you learn, it will help you understand yourself. My brother got a Phd in psychology. I became a psych and hospice nurse.

It sounds like you’re a bit like my dad and I. I think we both had chronic depression programmed into our DNA. Perhaps more accurately, our genetic background didn’t prepare us for life in an unnatural environment, and we are simply more sensitive to the pressures of modern life.

I believe I’ll be on antidepressants forever. I’ve just come to accept it, and really don’t consider it a problem. I used to feel suicidal much of the time, starting in childhood. I attempted it at the age of 10.

There are other focuses available, for example, beyond surviving, there is potential for finding fulfillment, and contentment. You may also choose to set your mind on adventure.

I think the pressure for you to have a plan, is making it really hard for you. If you chose either of your options, and you end up feeling as though it was a mistake, you can look at as having learned about what you don’t want. It’s not the end of the world. If you discover you’re on the wrong educational path, switch to something else.

Take care of yourself. BTW, it also appears that you need your antidepressant dosage to be tweaked, or maybe something else should be tried.

I’d like to write more, but I’m exhausted, so goodnight!

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Oh how I can relate to what you just wrote. Ten years ago at the start of my 20s, if you asked me where I saw myself in my 30s I wouldn’t be able to tell you because I didn’t see myself making it that far.

I agree with the above about the med tweaking, perhaps you need something in addition to the antidepressants? Or depending on what you may have going on, the antidepressants may not be working the way they need to. Have you been diagnosed? That would give you a great head start to figure out what path you need to take to keep going.

I only mention the diagnosing because I was wrongly diagnosed and given the incorrect meds for about a year. After seeing someone else, I got the right diagnosis and was put on a totally different set of medication which helped immensely. That combined with DBT therapy set me on the right course and look at me now, I’m in my 30s!

I’m so glad you still have some self preservation, hold on to that as much as you can. Suicidal idealization becomes addicting and more appealing as time goes on and the more it’s thought about, it’s hard to keep the thoughts at bay or turn the mind. It’s almost like the brain needs to be rewired. It is possible, your future is there! Keep holding on.

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Hi Wings.
Thank you for your reply. I am not from the US so it works a bit differently but you could say I have already changed my major once and basically “wasted” 2 years. I can’t do it again. Both programs are interesting in a way. I also believe I am gonna be on antidepressants forever. I either try to keep my mind busy or survival or self destruction. I don’t really want to live. I was on maximal dosage of my antidepressants and then it was a bit lowered. This is my third antidepressant and it has been the best working one so far. I don’t want to change it.

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Please don’t do it, please.

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I wount its ok. Thinks just got really bad

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