Hi everyone. I hope you are doing well. I have been thinking about ending my life more often lately and… then intensions are becoming more real. I am stable one moment and then another I am not. I have not been feeling very happy lately. I think i want to die. I have been thinking about it more and more. The topic of my future is discussed around me more and more. I have been accepted to study sociology at a university where I live. But i do also have the option of studying psychology at a private university. The catch is that it is expensive. My parents are willing to to support me financially but here is the problem. They want to know this is what i want. That this is something i would really want to do.
The truth is I am not sure about that. Honestly I have dificulty thinking about my future. And many times I have wondered why. I think i know the answer now. I dont really want any future. I dont want anything from it. I dont need it. I exist in now because when I think about the future I cant see anything i would want to strife forward to or achieve. I didnt think i would be alive for this long. As a person who has chronical suicidal thoughts I just dont know if i will be here in another year. Many times when I want to die I am full of emotion and that still happends but many times it is also cold. Like stating facts. Thinking about dying like going for a walk. It actualy has a promise of peace to it.
Every time my i visit my mum she asks me if I still need my antidepressants. I told her that I probably always will. We have had this conversation before and she never accepts it. My parents want to know where do I see myself in the future. What do i want to do, but my mind is either set on survival or on self destruction. I dont have plans for myself. And a part of me really wants to die. To not care. To just accept my fate and let it happen. No more fighting and no more pain. I have tried to do it many times but what i know is that i know how I would do it if i decided it was time. So far my self preservation instinkts have kept me alive. But i know all it would take is one or two big hits to my mind and that would be the end of it. Thats the reality of it. Thats how it is.