And this is how things get screwed

Hi everyone
This… well is going to be chaotic and a ride and holy fuck!!! Its is fucking ubelievable how quickly and unxpectadly can things get fucked up… but let me begin from the start

Few weeks ago. Got into an agrument with friend. Ignored him for a bit. Who was at fault. Eh 50/50 probably. Anyways. Have another friend. My best irl friend probably. Havent talked in like two weeks but we are ok. I like him. Long story short. Today at exacly 22:36 shit just hit the fan.

I got a message from my friend that i kind of ignored that he knows I was ignoring him (feeling a little bit guilty there not gonna lie) but that he needs to tell me something important about my best friend. My best friends father died today… FUCK. HOLY FUCKING SHIT. We chatted for a bit and then I was left with my thoughts.

Yeah. This is how things get fucked. I mean do I have any questions… Yeah I have a few fucking questions. Like what did my friend do to deserve this? Why did this happend? What the fuck is my friend gonna do? What am I gonna do? What the fuck am I gonna tell him? Can I make things better? Am I a bad guy for ignoring my other friend? Should I have been a better friend to all? That would not change much but it would be of help because I dont know what the hell am I suppose to do?!

I know I am used to giving support here on the wall but this is different. I am angry. Sad numb… Mostly just numb. My friend is probably having the worst day of his life and… What the fuck? It feels like a really really bad joke that isnt fucking funny. IT IS NOT FUCKING FUNNY! It is just absurd. Just absurd. I dont know what to do or how to feel. I havent read any manual of “What do do when your best friend father dies.” I dont know what to do or how to feel. Life… fuck you life. Here is a FUCK YOU LIFE for my friend. he did not deserve this…

  • be there for them. however you can - physical comfort if they want that/if it’s possible
  • practical assistance (food, supplies, ride to go get stuff done with the various processes)
  • a comforting ear
  • a safe space where they can rant and vent and curse the world (if you can handle it)

You could also say “i’m so sorry, i have no words to express how sad I am for you, or how to comfort you. What can i do to help you? what do you need?”


Sita has offered the best possible advice. What you’re “supposed to do” is care, which you clearly do. There’s no formula for what to say or do when in the presence of a grieving person. Sometimes, quiet support is the best and most needed gift.

Your friend doesn’t deserve the pain of losing his father. You don’t deserve to feel guilty. It’s not a matter of judgment or deserving. It’s a call for empathy and compassion, which you have in abundance. Be your loving self, and allow the bereaved person to feel your caring and support.


Dear @Ashwell,

I am so sorry that you friend lost his father. This scream from your heart is completely heard. And you are right: no it’s not fair. It’s not f*cking fair. We know that death is part of life but loss can still go beyond understanding and feel like life is just playing tricks with us.

You are not a bad friend, but the complete opposite. You couldn’t know what would happen, you couldn’t prevent it either. So I hope that if there’s any guilt felt on your end for this loss to happen during a time when you weren’t talking to each other, then you will free yourself from it, because this was completely out of your control.

Your friend will simply need a friend. You don’t have to try to be anyone else but you. Oftentimes people are full of good intentions with the people grieving but they also end up doing or saying too much, because they can’t stand feeling helpless. I think it’s important that you free yourself from expectations that would be too high. You won’t fix this. You won’t make the pain easier or less intense. You won’t heal your friend. And those feelings, the gap between your intentions and what you can do, are things you will also need to process for yourself.

@Sita and @Wings already gave good advice and reassurance on that matter. There is no need to absolutely say or do something, especially if you don’t know what to say. Be honest about it if you feel like it is possible. When I lost family members I would have personally loved to hear people saying “I don’t know what to say but I’m here”. A silent presence can say a lot already and means the world. Listening is essential too.

To add, I would say, just avoid generic sayings. Avoid the “he is in a better place now”, “time will help” and things like that because it won’t mean anything right now, and it can actually hurt. There is no time for your friend at the moment, only right here and right now. He needs familiar faces. He needs safety. He needs people and things that help him to not feel like drowning too much while his world might have seemed to collapsed. But he also needs to be given time and space when he needs to breathe. He won’t need to take care of you or anyone else but himself right now.

Make it about him and his dad. Use his words. If he believes in an afterlife - it has to be respected. If he says his name when he talks about him, then say his name too. If he doesn’t, then don’t. Express that the door is open, but don’t pressure him to talk if he doesn’t want.

Keep that day in mind for years to come. There will be a time when people are going to stop checking in. It’s not that they would stop caring, but life will keep going on, though anniversaries are painful and can be very lonely. It means the world to know that at least someone doesn’t forget. “I’m thinking about you today” can go a long way.

I hope all of this can reassure you and give a bit of guidance. But know that all of this - you already know how to do it. Because there is no perfect way. It’s all about being humans there, nothing more, nothing less. Trust your heart and spirit. You are a wonderful, loving and caring friend. An amazing ally to have by your side while grieving someone so important. Your friend only need to know that you are there, whether he decides to use that safe space and relationship or not during his grief.

In the meantime, we are here for you too. Helplessness and anger like the ones you feel can be very intense. It’s absolutely okay to feel that way. :hrtlegolove:


Well… here is am update. My friend texted me and my friends a group message on discord. He said that he is glad that ge has such a good friends but he does not want us to send him empathic messages because they dont help him. He has said that he was a bit sad but such things happen. He was also upset that we knew and he did not want us to know and wanted to know who told us. Well… one person from his fathers friends commented on facebook about his fathers death so it kind of got out on its own… I am realived that he is more ok than I thought. Also a bit pissed at myself because of idk not being the kind of supportive he needed. Also confused. I guess I will just leave the whole thing be for now…


good to hear he’s doing okay. I don’t think we can ever know what kind of support we need, until it happens. For me, the empathetic “in a better place now” was just what i needed lol!

glad you and your friends have rallied around him! Good job you :slight_smile:

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