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Hey friend.
As someone that also loses their shit, I know it’s difficult to control sometimes. Do you have things that you can think in the moment to do? It’s the hardest thing ever, I know, and it takes a loooottt of work. But honestly you’ll get there.
I’ve found that when I can feel things starting to build up, if I walk away for a few minutes and take some time out, it does pass. I’ve found Havening really good, it’s been proven to lower cortisol levels. Do you think it’s something you could try? If you’ve not heard of it, have a Google. The first time I did it I was so mad I felt like crying, but after, I actually felt kind of sleepy!
I understand you see bottling up emotions as safe, and showing the emotions as unsafe because it makes you vunerable, but emotions don’t make you weak, they make you human. Worrying about people shows you care about them 
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