Today the person thought that was my friend, can’t give me the time and day. I would always drive to see her, wish her a happy birthday and did so much for her and just not even give a shit about. I could commit suicide and she not even have a hint of emotions. I just wanted to her to at least care or appreciate me. To at least her to say, oh he an okay or just hang out.
She bring out the worst all my judgemental thoughts, hatred and rage builds inside me. I want to beat the shit out her and break her like a pencil. Make her wish that she never hurt me.
However, this kinda over nothing. Literally a girl dose not want to hang with me. And I want to destroy her life and make the world hate her. I have sickness in me where I want to hurt people, cuase I’m weak inside. That way I hurt myself in the past, cuase needed to channel it somehow. These thought fucking scare me. I hate that part about myself more than anything. It disgusts that I have these thoughts to hurt her and other people. I don’t want to be this person.
A solution is might not be her friend, only thing it would happen with another girl or person. I try so hard to do DBT and Therpy. I haven’t been able to see a therpist in awhile. It been so fucking hard lately. I hate myself for being this person.
Dear Metalskater1990 I know we replied to one of your posts earlier but I want to say that it is okay to feel like stuff is out of your control and that this person doesnt want to hang out with you. But who knows what is going on for her. Trying to distory or hurt someone else just because they didnt talk to you or want to hang out is kind of something to work through. You did say you had been in therapy. But let me ask you this do you know what makes you feel that the only way to get someone to see you is to try and ruin or destory their life? What does that do in reality. From my view it just makes it harder on you to find people later because many will see you as now this person to fear rather than a person to care about. I know what you want is friendship and support but sometimes your actions are what will work and help you. I would say if you have another person who you feel doesnt like you to talk to them. Communication is literally two ways and sometimes we have to share our feelings too.
Hi there, I’m sorry that your efforts to maintain a friendship didn’t come out to how you’d want it. That really does suck.
You may see yourself as some horrible person, but intrusive thoughts such as those are just that, thoughts. You’re not a horrible person for being upset and thinking those thoughts. In fact, there is more goodness in you for acknowledging the fact that those thoughts are not very good thoughts and not acting on those thoughts. I can also see that you’re a very caring and passionate person, which is why those thoughts both good and bad are magnified.
Please try not to cast judgement on yourself based on these thoughts. It’s okay to be upset, and it’s okay to care passionately about another human. Their absence of communication is not a reflection of your own character, even though it feels like a direct attack against you.
Take a moment to investigate and accept your emotions that conjure up those thoughts. Also ask yourself, “What is a way for me to passionately love myself similarly how I love others?”