Today, once more, I add another year since I was born. This day has always made me feel miserable. But now that I’ve grown up, the level of sorrow it brings is way much more.
It makes me contrast time and I’ve found that the pattern is that every year when I add another value to my age I think back to the last year.
And, although I’m better and stopped self harming, my life is still an utter mess. I don’t have a job and don’t want one. I’m scared and left with no motivation.
I keep pushing forward over and over but I’m so tired and nothing is getting better. It’s like I only cleared up the fog in my head to fully experience the atrocity that this world is. I can’t deal with this anymore. I keep trying. But every year I’m the same blob of shit than before. No good things are happening. My family is poor. I am poor.
It is a shame, I really wanted to turn things around this year and feel better. I’ve been exercising and eating healthy and even pushed through a very big college paper. But after all that I’m still feeling so empty.
I really wanted to enjoy today… Yet another birthday in which I wish I had never been born.