Today, once more, I add another year since I was born. This day has always made me feel miserable. But now that I’ve grown up, the level of sorrow it brings is way much more.
It makes me contrast time and I’ve found that the pattern is that every year when I add another value to my age I think back to the last year.
And, although I’m better and stopped self harming, my life is still an utter mess. I don’t have a job and don’t want one. I’m scared and left with no motivation.
I keep pushing forward over and over but I’m so tired and nothing is getting better. It’s like I only cleared up the fog in my head to fully experience the atrocity that this world is. I can’t deal with this anymore. I keep trying. But every year I’m the same blob of shit than before. No good things are happening. My family is poor. I am poor.
It is a shame, I really wanted to turn things around this year and feel better. I’ve been exercising and eating healthy and even pushed through a very big college paper. But after all that I’m still feeling so empty.
I really wanted to enjoy today… Yet another birthday in which I wish I had never been born.
First off, Happy Birthday! You made it another year, when millions more haven’t, especially in this pandemic season.
Second off, welcome to HeartSupport! You’re in the right place.
Third, it sounds to me like you have a lot to celebrate this year. You’ve stopped self-harming, and that’s huge! You’ve started exercising and eating healthy, which is something I can relate to. I just started exercising 2 weeks ago and eating better just in the last year. They’re big steps, even if if they don’t objectively seem like it. You got through a huge college paper, which is something I failed at over and over until I dropped out. That’s not easy, and it’s not small.
Change doesn’t happen immediately, and it doesn’t happen as soon as you start making good habits. Change and healing take time. It sucks. It took me years to heal from the worst of my depression, and it’s still an ongoing process, but it keeps getting incrementally better. My alternative is going back to where I was 11 years ago, unable to get out of bed because it hurt to be alive. In 11 years, I’ve established a career, gotten married, done A LOT of therapy, and am managing my depression pretty okay and functioning. I got to this point with steps that were both huge and tiny at the same time. There was no single thing I did that felt like a triumph, but I look back to where I was and think I’m doing pretty well all things considered.
You’re doing the right things, friend. You are not giving up and staying stuck where you are. Change will come, and we are here to support you however we can. Hold fast.