I woke up late and decided to do some chores I’ve been putting off and then completely lost it when I realized the oven door’s lock was broken and I couldn’t fix it. I know it’s not a big deal but I just kept thinking “I only want to help, why is this so difficult?” I guess that says a lot about my current overall mental state.
My throat hurts from all the screaming and crying and my body feels tired too. I just want to lay down and rest but I’ve been doing that for days now and the housework is piling up and I don’t want anyone to get mad at me. I know a lot of people say it’s okay to focus on accomplishing one thing a day when you’re feeling really bad, but that’s not enough for the people around me.
It sounds that you’re really exhausted friend and I’m sorry you’re finding yourself in this mental state.
The situation you described with the oven door’s lock reminds me of something my grandma once said to me about depression. I was young, and to explain that to me she said something like: “You know, when you’re depressed like that everything feels like an obstacle. You expect to have warm water from the tap but then you realize you turned the wrong button and it makes you cry.” I wasn’t able to understand what she meant at the moment, but it become clearer years after when I started to struggle with depression as well.
It is really frustrating and exhausting when you realize that you can’t do things that are objectively simple. Things you were used to do before, things you actually want to do. I understand that feeling, and I’m sorry you have to deal with that. There are days when it’s more difficult, when it’s heavier, and it’s particularly important to be even more gentle with yourself and take care of you during those moments.
Crying and screaming are ways to cope that doesn’t hurt you. But yes it is physically exhausting. Sometimes you just need to let this energy out and it’s okay to do that as long as it’s safe for you. Outside of this, have you ever tried writing down your thoughts in a notebook? There are times when it was really helpful to me so I hope it could be of a great help to you as well.
Housework is piling up but it can objectively wait if you don’t have the energy yet. Of course, it would be great if you could have a clean/organized environment so it could help you to feel better. Being in a clean place has an impact on your emotional state. But if you need to do it progressively that’s okay. And if you need help for that then that’s okay too.
Also I’m sorry to hear that you’re not supported by the people around you. It’s putting on your shoulders a pressure that you don’t need right now. Did you try already to talk with them about how you feel and the fact that you need some rest, some time for yourself? It can be hard for our beloved ones to understand how we feel and it can be very important to communicate about that. There’s nothing to be ashamed of.
